You Can't Freak Out Now Gurl.

Memba' Debbie Downer? My boss from the library and really good friend while I was a student at USC.

Well turns out she has a writing gig for me that I am a bit scared yet excited about. Let me explain.

Yesterday I officially launched Grilled Cheese. I use the word launch very loosely. It's not really a professional website, it's just my 'i really need to have a web page featuring clips for potential employees to access:so that they know i don't suck as a writer and hire me for a gosh darn job already'.

Because I don't have any legit writing samples as a 'professional writer' creating a web page with blog posts I could use for clips seemed....like the perfect solution. Because lets be honest, I am a horrible at networking and selling myself (not in the Pretty Woman sort of way) and providing samples of my writer will be useful as I try to start some sort of career.

The fact that I am horrible with this whole networking thing is probably why finding a job has been damn near impossible. As an introverted person, I rarely like putting myself out there. I hate having to sell who I am and what I'm good at. I am not at all competitive in the 'look I'm way better than this person' game. I'd rather just fade into the back, remain a quiet observe and relish in the silence.

For some reason I have always associated 'networking' with sucking up.I mean I understand the importance of it, I do. But I can't get past my apprehensions that networking involves bugging someone into liking you.

There is this one customer who comes into the store every time we have a big author event. He is a college student who attends the hipster college near by and spends the bulk of his nights at the store with his friend drinking lattes in the fiction aisle (and leaving the cups on the shelves like a asshat).

Any time a relatively famous author/media personality visits the store he makes sure to be in attendance. He has a business card and everything (i saw him hand one out to the NBC new anchor who stopped by a few months ago) and because I usually end up working the events I tend to watch him act all cheesy when he gets his book signed; making sure to throw his name out there along with his interest in pursuing a career in broadcast media to whoever is visiting.

His approach is probably very effective. Not probably, it is what some would ambitious.That kid will make it...trust me. Even though I loathe the sight of him in the store, I know that kids like him always make it (somewhere)because they are not embarrassed about being pushy and in your face.When he graduates college he will have more contacts than I do now. I know this for a fact.

But to me he is the epitome of a brown-noser. His approach is feels tactless and (even) pushy. And the odd things is, I know that my statement is false. I know that networking is the smartest thing a person could do. Especially for someone like me who wants to join a creative field. Especially in this economy. But for some reason I have never been able to disassociate the two and I am terrified at the thought of having to do so in order to have a career.

This Grilled Cheese thing is my feeble attempt at networking. A small creative venture that hopefully will prove to someone, outside of my mom, that I am passionate about writing. Or at least that I have a strong storytelling ability

I've mentioned the webpage at work some, especially to those who have questioned my ability to even formulate a sentence. But pursuing this writing portfolio seems daunting. I was actually very nervous about creating Grilled Cheese and putting my work out there.

Writing journal entries about my everyday life is easy. Sharing my thoughts and feelings and obsessive thoughts to whoever all of you here is....cathartic. Trying to create a blog that solely represents my voice as a 'writer' is terrifying and stressful. Trying to convey a sense of voice and identity without talking about Mcabs or Le Sad Store seems so impersonal I don't know if the things I write there will read...honest.

I intend to link Grilled Cheese to my resume, as a lot of people in the creative industry are social networking whores, but I feel anxious and guilty for wanting the work I create on Grilled Cheese...to be good.

So far I've generated a few views to my site. A couple of 'isn't that nice beckett started a little blog' from my employees and dare I say one questionable 'a writing website-like anyone is going to read it' comment from a sort of friend.

However Debbie Downer was ecstatic about this venture. She has been nothing but positive since my big reveal. She sent me an email and everything when I made the announcement a few days ago. And she has officially joined the small cheering squad that has accumulated on my side.

I posted my first 'welcome to my site' entry yesterday and was relieved that at least the awkward introduction is out of the way. Now I can solely write reviews, critiques and other professional writing clips and started padding up a virtual portfolio.

Of course, Debbie Downer congratulated me on my first 'piece' and then added that she may have a writing opportunity for me if I was interested(hell yes) in response to my creative mojo.

Debbie Downer has been an artist for years outside of working at the library of my Alma Mater. She mainly draws sketches, paints larger pieces and creates figurines out of clay.While she has shown me some of her creations in the past, I did not know the extent of her craft until recently.

A few weeks ago she got in touch with a friend who owns a gallery in downtown Columbia. Said friend and owner is interested in displaying some of her art work in the gallery this summer.It would be a small show featuring a bunch of other works by local artists. It's a huge opportunity nonetheless and she asked me if I could supply a small poem (or prose) to be attached to her drawings. A story to weave the images together in a poetic way. I will be given 50% of anything that sells at the gallery.

AND she wants also to eventually turn the project into a book published by a small publishing house nearby. I'm freaking out ya'll.

This is great and grand on some many levels. She sent me links to some of her current work and the drawings are amazing. Gothic, Celtic, quirky images of men and women on the outskirts of society. Freaks and Mystical beings draped in Victorian outfits and even a mask or two. I am totally amazed that she would even consider me for the project yet alone share half the profits from it.

Of course, I jumped on to the project as soon as I finished her email. And we have chatted back and forth about the collboration.

But now of course doubt fills my body and and i am petrified by having this writing opportunity. While we are a long way from showing her work in that gallery, I am concerned that perhaps my words won't do her art justice. While the images are hers the world I create for them is all my own. She has given me complete artistic range...and I am scared that I am not prepared for this. That in some way I cannot create anything worth being seen outside of my head.

I am suddenly inundated with writing/reading projects. Though all small, they have overwhelmed me in some way. The guy from work who questioned my 'web page' actually asked me a couple of weeks ago to help him set up an etsy shop. He sells steam-punk jewelery and wants me to write the description for things he will sell soon. I generally like the pieces he has brought to work and agreed to write up descriptions for him (as that too is a possible means of income. anything will help at this point).

Along with that, I took this freaking no pay reader position ( i read manuscripts and then compose reader responses for them) with the literary agency that did not hire me.While unpaid it will look good on my resume, but it also means that my days off are sometimes spent reading incredibly dull manuscripts.

And NOW along with Grilled Cheese; where I have to restrain myself from writing about....well...myself, I have (though honestly I want) to create a story and subsequent words for Debbie's creations.

While I am excited about all of these ventures, I am worried that I cannot live up to my potential. That like every aspect of my life, my feelings of inadequacies (though unfounded) will stunt me and limit my contribution to any of these projects; even the ones that mean the most to me.

It's anxiety, I know this. But the pervasive thoughts along with my other anxieties about money and loans have kept me up at night. And I'm freaking out that I can't handle what I want because I'm so use to not feeling like I deserve any of it.

Silly, I know.