Everyone Leaves...But Me.

I apologize for being a bad blogger these days.

I am suffering from another case of 'where have the days gone' and it is throwing me off my writing game, amongst other things.

I spent most of last week running around accommodating friends, sleeping in, working and watching Mystery Masterpieces' Sherlock Holmes on Netflix. Of course I now have another crush on a floppy headed British Guy (whose first name is Benedict. I mean come on, how can you not love that name?!) and am headed to the library today for some Holmes reading material.

This is another crappy week for me work wise. I clock in three days at Le Sad Store and the other four will be used to apply to jobs, try not to cry from job hunting frustrations and dance as much as I can. Hours are still being slashed despite the fact that we have lost 5 or 6 people in the last week. Most of them worked in cafe or worked when I wasn't around so their absence has no effect on me, but a couple of days ago Evan pulled me aside to let me know that he put in his two weeks notice too. And I am a little thrown off by this.

I like Evan a lot. Despite that 2 month period where I ignored him, I adore this kid. I trained him during his first weeks at Le Sad Store and ate lunch with him during the weird new kid months. We've exchanged DVD's, gone to see movies together, and he was one of the people I spent days in the city with.

I am crushed that he is leaving (happy of course that he has gotten a new job, at a, um, Harley Davidson store. I know.) and cannot wrap my head around this new wave of exits that are happening. I always describe them as waves because they consist of weeks, particularly in the summer, when a large part of our staff finds new employment. I wouldn't say better employment but new nonetheless.

Last year, right around July, we lost so many people managers were scrambling to fill their spots. That too is happening now. On Friday three people called out on a four person close. I opened, but it didn't stop evil manager from asking if I could do a double shift. I quickly said 'no' and she fumed. The next night, two people from a mid shift called out along with one closer. I was not asked to stay this time around but I made sure to get the hell out of the store before anyone could ask.

Everyone however, is pissed that hours are being slashed hardcore even as managers are hiring up a storm (taking away more hours). But after the last three days of a short staffed store I can't help but understand their decision to hire people for backup purposes. I just hope that I have a new job secured before anyone of them start working there.

I am a lot more practical about this job search. Worried, some, because there are a slew of recent grads lurking about now, but still hopeful. It doesn't mean that I am not bat-shit anxious from time to time. It doesn't mean that I haven't contemplated getting any job rather than sticking to my guns about the industry I am currently trying to break in to. But I'd go crazy if those thoughts consumed me every day. I would be in a really horrible funk if I didn't see the silver lining in it all.

I am applying to a UK production scheme just for the hell of it. I mean it can't hurt. International applicants are encourage to apply and though I have no idea how I would fund moving to the UK if I got this paid internship, having the opportunity to work abroad makes me happy. It makes me feel productive and like I am going somewhere.

Last night I was joking around at customer service with our newest head cashier, a kid who is just 19 and a Freshman in college. No one knows how he got a head cashier position so quickly. He'd only been there a month or two when they offered him the raise and of course he didn't turn it down. He is a very smart, attractive, creative guy who is mature for his age and he has become the 'golden boy who can do no wrong' to the managers.

At first I didn't like him to much but over time we have developed a very joking jovial relationship. He was hanging around customer service during his break last night because he needed help finding a book. It was a Adobe Suite CS5 manual (?) that he could not find anywhree in the store but that he 'needed' because he wants to work as a freelance designer and wanted a leg up on the competition. I repeat the child is 19 years old.

I, naturally, assist him in finding his book while he explains that he needs the book so he can start a website that will help people start their own webpages. It'll be like a hosting site or something and he has already claimed a domain name. When we finally come across the book he explains that wants the website to be up and running soon, so that he can start his own business within a matter of months(only 19, remember this).

He was rambling so fast that I had to ask him to slow down, 'you're only 19'. I continued with a general 'ambition is cool and all but at 19 I was moping floors at a philly cheesesteak joint (that lasted all but 6 weeks)' spiel but he was too busy thumbing through the manual to pay attention.

I know, some kids are just driven, some kids have that ambition sort of thing going on but at 19, I couldn't imagine wanting all that responsibility. At 19, I wished I would have been more of a 19 year old. It irks me how he talks about people in their 20's. As if we lack the ambition that kids his age have. I am only 6 years older than this guy but he acts as if the age gap is by generation.

He tellls me that he is 'so ambitious and independent' because he can't depend on his wealthy parents to support him. I understand this. I tell him this. And I agree that thinking about the future now is always a good thing.

But as we are talking about goals and such he says, out of nowhere, that he doesn't want to end up like me when he graduates college in three years. I. Shit. You. Not.

I know he was just joking, he said he was just joking, I pretended to cry in my hands (while I boiled with rage inside) to make him feel bad. He then tried to apologize for the way it came out and he said 'I'm kidding you know that, if i was a writer like you, working at the bookstore would be ideal. you know, but I want to work in graphic design so being a Head Cashier here is like, dumb, you know. I couldn't imagine being 23 and still working here'.

So cute. So young. So naive.

I agreed some. And then walked away, trying not to destroy something. I let the comment go the rest of the day. I went about my shift as if he hadn't just said that. And then I got home, and it ate at me. It burned through my flesh and tore at my veins. What the hell?! What a polarizing thing to say to someone. As if I enjoy being a 25 year old bookseller because I know how to put a couple of sentences together to form a cohesive thought. What a dumb thing to say to someone just because you assume they lack ambition? The comment infuriates me on so many levels and insults my already bruised ego.

I sure as hell don't want to be anyone's template on 'what not to do'. I sure as hell don't want to be anyone's worse case scenario. Because truthfully, despite the aggravation, frustration and general anxieties I know that I have more potential than being at Le Sad Store and I am working my ass off to prove this to myself.

And it sucks hardcore that everyone around me is leaving, that everything is in this beautiful state of change (again) and I feel left behind. But I know this won't last forever. It is not as if I am standing still while everything revolves around me. It is not as if I have given up hope that I will get a new job, or a UK production scheme, or maybe incentive to try grad school. I know this.

I just have to keep moving and catch up to the things that I want. It's a lot harder than I thought. He'll learn that in a few years.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings.

I should get dressed and out of bed. There are so many books I want to read this summer and despite the thunderstorm clouds I see from my window, I really want to stop by the library and pick up a few things. I don't know why the library is so relaxing. Oh, because there are free books. My bad.

~Beckett