Don't You, Forget About Me.

The last few days have been shit. Seriously.

Ever since I've found out this information about Marie: she left her job, moved back home, possibly does not want to be found; I have been in a terrible, terrible mood. No lie. And no one in my life has been helpful to assuage my fears that a) she wants to be left alone forever or b) we won't get into that possibility (which after some consideration, i think is pretty unlikely).

But option A has to mean that whatever it is that has happened to her is bad enough that she felt she couldn't come to me to talk about it. That five months later, she still can't come to me to talk about it. And I completely understand this because when my nephew died back in 2008, i didn't answer Marie's repeated phone calls for months. The text she sent went unanswered. I deleted her voice mails. And was an invisible friend for that one dreadful summer.

But she continued to hound me. Even when I didn't feel like talking because that's what our friendship is like (or what I think it is like). She never gave up looking for me and wondering what was wrong.And explaining our friendship to people who have never meet her is strange. Because despite our personality differences, we compliment one another. Where she is strong, assertive and logical I am sensitive, accomdating and driven by my heart. She's my voice of reason and I am her voice of compassion.

And I've known her since I was 12! I knew her when she had braces and big unruly hair. She knew me when I had chubby cheeks and wore that ugly blue jacket to school for a month. We've talked frequently about our issues with abandonment and trusting people. I've admitted my issues with commitment and boys. We are fearful that people will leave us or find something better. We have been a 'we' since my first day at middle school when she was the only one to ask me my name. And despite what anyone says, it's extremely weird (fine unusual) for me to hear absolutely nothing from her.

And the whole situation is bothersome now because I simply thought she was mad at me. I thought 'hey, she doesn't want to talk to me....that's cool' and that might still be the case. But for her to leave her job, move back home with her sister and mom who she is not close too at all....is just bizarre.

And what's worse is that no one currently is concerned about her 'disappearance' except me. My mom literally became angry with me over the phone because I was concerned. The words 'just let it go and move on ' actually came out of her mouth. So i sulked and ignored her phone calls for a day (but had to call today to ask for money. being broke sucks). So i went to McAbs, because well he's been doing well in my book lately and I needed a voice of reason to calm me down. assuage my fears. maybe even pull me in for a 'it's going to be okay hug'. Instead the motherfucker shrugged his shoulders, told me 'sucks for you' and then said 'what did you do before you knew her....okay, well do that'.

Are you serious?!

What happened to the comforting words. What happened to caring just for a moment about someone I care about instead of wanting to talk about stupid crap. And yeah, i didn't expect him to have the answers (hell, he doesn't know her) but I wanted him to, just for a moment anyway. And it wasn't just McAbs, the few people I told were all 'eh, so what. i mean get over it' and this is tearing me up. It's eating me alive. People are much more concerned about why I'm not smiling and joking around and making sure that they are okay rather than understanding why i am utterly distraught about this.

Now that I know that she isn't just in North Carolina ignoring me because I've said something dumb, I am concerned and scared and completely mad at myself for letting the silence go on for this long. I just figured we were taking a friend break, that we'd return as we always do back to normal. But someone disappearing from your life is almost like a death because there are times when I want to tell her something, that I can't tell anyone else, but I don't have her to go to. I have no way of contacting her: calling her, writing her, emailing her. I have no way of checking in to ask whats wrong.

And dammit, I don't care if she doesn't want to be found. Because you know what, if i suddenly went away, I'd want someone to hunt me down. Because there is always a part of you that wants someone to search for you. To have someone, even if it is just one person, who will search for you regardless.

And the last few days I have been walking around in a fog. I don't know what to do. Everyone wants me to put this recent piece of information behind me. Forget about her. She'll get in touch when she wants to. Everyone wants me to put the smile back on my face, laugh it up and stop overreacting. McAbs became livid with me today because I was pissy with him. He asked what was wrong (ugh, didn't we attempt this yesterday) and I told him that 'i needed [his] advice yesterday and instead he shut me down'. We spent the rest of the shift arguing like crazy. I never want to do that again.

I feel alone. If that makes sense. I was shelving the dumb magnetic quotes today and one by Judy Blume (maybe) about friendship and how friends are these people who keep and cherish because they are a link to our past and how much progress we have made. And maybe this is the terrifying part because Marie is the only link to my past. She was with me during the awkward teen years, she was there with me during the hell that was college, and she has been there for me now as I finally seem to be putting things together. She is my kindred spirit. I've talked to her about things that I have never gone to anyone else about (except maybe my therapist). And vice versa. We come from very similar family backgrounds (absent fathers, complicated siblings, overwhelmed mothers) and found solace in being misfits together.

And hell, our friendship wasn't perfect. It wasn't near perfect but the thought of something being wrong with her and me not being able to do anything, even wish her well...is unbearable. And I absolutely hate that everyone here needs me to be happy go lucky beckett. They need me to smile and nod and pay attention and listen to their problems and forget about my own. They need me to push past this feeling of loss (even if a temporary one) because it brings them down.

But I can't help but remind them, that if I one day, up and decided to disappear, I would still want someone to look for me. I'd still want someone to give a damn about my well being to make sure if I was okay. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to understand.

Of course now I have no idea what to do. Outside of the work friend I got in touch with, I have no other leads in order to track Marie down. And a part of me feels like I might have to wait for her to get in contact with me. Which is something I am not totally comfortable doing (especially as it feels too close to a few recommendation to 'forget about her').

But I know that I can't go around being frustrated and sullen because of this. I am wearing the sadness on my face and the longer I remain in this state thet harder it will be for me to get our of out. I physically cannot put my life on hold because it will stunt me. I know this. The obsessive thoughts will stall me and push people away and I am not that close to my current or circle of friends to expect them to wait for me to escape this despair.

But at the same time, I've never felt more at a loss about a situation. What I want to do and what I have to do are butting heads. And the one person I could use some advice from is the one person I can't find to ask it of.