Melancholia.

The mornings are the worst.

Because there is always that brief moment when I think the last two days have been one long ass nightmare.

I can't get the voice of her mom outta my head 'i just want my baby back' and I can't help thinking that there was something I could of done.

Despite being her best friend, i've never felt more like a stranger to Marie after her suicide. Sure we talked about depression, sure we talked our feelings of isolation. At one time I was no stranger to suicidal thoughts. Who here can say that they haven't thought about it? But the difference is that I could have never gone through with ending my life because even the pain of living feels nice. Being alive and knowing that things can get better is exhilarating. It feels like a badge of honor to be alive.

My mornings these last few days consist of a lot of crying. My afternoons are spent trying to fill the emptiness in my stomach with food, in hopes that the bottomless pit that once was my stomach will feel less empty with food in it. I escaped my house for a bit yesterday and wandered the streets buying everything that look good. Chicken tenders, a sandwich, chips, soda and candy. I don't eat this much during the week but my stomach just felt so empty to the point of physical pain and cramping. I thought the food would help.

It did not. I cried during the actual consumption. The food look great and was prepared with care but everything tasted bland. I couldn't eat everything, so most of it went into my fridge. I doubt anything will feel or taste that great for the next few weeks.

Every waking thing reminds me of Marie and i seem to only be able to escape her in my dreams, a guarded realm i've had practice protecting. Her memorial is tomorrow and I won't be able to attend, I don't think I could emotionally or mentally do so even if I lived in South Carolina. I feel like I should call her parents again, but I don't have any words of comfort right now. I am a mess and the constant sobbing is making me ill. I constantly feel like throwing up but there is nothing in my stomach, so my throat and belly just ache with a weird numbness.

I've only told a few people about Marie's death. My mom, who needed to know, and Blue because he called and asked what was going on in my life lately. And I just sobbed and told him and I didn't feel any better, just less burdened by sharing the news to someone else. He was a brief source of comfort, but he didn't know her and could not grasp the extent of our friendship fully. I realized I just wanted a shoulder to cry on, to be weak and helpless, for someone to say they would take care of the pain for me.

Devastated and Disappointed is what my grief feels like these days. She was my best friend. Every memory I have from my teenage years revolves her. The last three years (up until 5 months ago) we talked too each other every day. I have her laugh embedded in my head, every plan we made for the future, feels achievable until I remember she is no longer here. She was always the stronger of the two. More assertive and smart and strong willed. I always let her take the reigns because she was my protector.

And i can't get over the fact (from the conversation I have had with her mom, stepfather and friend from work) that she was truly miserable at home and in North Carolina. The loss of her job sent Marie into the deep depths of depression and misery. She took her life in the middle of the night alone and ashamed. She was found with her cell phone, which she spent the last few minutes erasing every contact from her life. She left a note for her mom and step-dad, saying she was sorry and to call 9-1-1. She also gave directions on how to handle her body and what to do with her remains.

Even in death she needed to be in charge. She needed to have control.

The thing that goes through my head is how lonely she must have felt those last few seconds. And I don't think i'll ever forgive myself for not being more aware of her sadness. While she was withering away emotionally in south carolina, I was much more concerned with the happiness that was occurring in my life. The way things seemed to be falling into place lately. I spent the last 5 months making bonds, growing stronger in my own skin, and finding peace with my imperfections. And my best friend was in another mental state altogether.

I am depressed and sad and fucking angry at everything. I want my best friend back. I want to tell ask her why the good in her life wasn't good enough for her to stay. She had a family, a nephew who idolized her and a mother who was proud of her and best friend who wanted to see the world with her and she couldn't hang on for that. That's where the disappointment lies, because Marie knew how crappy things were. She knew that she wasn't normal by any standards. She was complicated and interesting and unique and it isn't easy being all those things in a world where average wins all the time. And our life together, revolved around proving that atypical was beautiful.

Her death makes that sentiment feel like a lie.

Her death makes me feel like a long standing truth has been shattered.

I miss her terribly. I don't know who I am without her. And I wish she would have come to me. I wish we could have at least had one last conversation before she died.

I would like to thank everyone who has reached out to me these last few days. Your support and general concern has made things....better. I am holding up (i promise). Therapy taught me how to cope with things and more than ever the lessons i learned there are helping me get through this.

But I am numb and quite despondent and am struggling too find much comfort in anything outside of bed. I was going to take the next two days off, but I know if I stay in the house her loss will eat me alive. I can't believe she's gone. It's surreal.