Molly, You in Danger Girl Part 2

On Saturday morning i'd convinced myself that i would be on a plane back to New York whether Sean wanted me to stay or not.

After spending so much money on the plane ticket and the hotel room and having to take off from both jobs, I imagined my trip up to Chicago would give Sean all the fire he needed to...i don't know, be with me. It's so stupid, i know. Growing up my favorite show was Felicity on the WB and I couldn't understand why she would go all the way to New York for a boy who barely knew her in high school. But she was in love with him and she thought moving closer would give their relationship a chance or at least a start at something.

And in my 28th year I finally realize I have become Felicity

I can't lie and say that outside of my wanting to have sex with Sean, the real reason i went to see him was because i wanted him to finally reciprocate the feelings and the devotion and the love that i have continued to display towards him. I was hoping that this trip would inspire him to choose me. Because i have chosen him time and time again. And i know it was an idealistic and stupid expectation. But with my birthday corresponding with the trip and Sean's sincere desire to see me i was hoping all the pieces of our fucked up puzzle would align.

I didn't calculate having to deal with his parents. I didn't calculate his gf's jealousy. I sure as hell wasn't prepared for blind grandma and dead pigeon. By the end of Friday night Sean and I got into a mini argument because the facebook photo i posted  came up again in conversation. He'd just gotten off the phone with his gf and he turned to me and said "so i hear  you have been 'plastering' my photo all over the web'. I don't know why this enraged me so much, mainly because i knew it was her who said it. Plaster indicates that I posted a fucking gallery of him, i literally posted 2 photos so his friends and family back home could be as proud as i was and if his lazy ass gf had gone to Chicago she could have had photos of her own to share.

I was more annoyed by the fact that i continue to be the one who shows up and yet is always questioned. It's fucking ridiculous.

Sean immediately knows that i am upset and on the drive back to the base when he begs me to stay i am so pissed and ready to go home that i tell him i won't make any promises. In my room later that night i call my mom and she says  that i have to come back on Saturday. Have to. I got to see him, i got to spend time with him, he didn't do with he needed to do to make me stay, so it's time for me to come home.

And of course, i shared the same sentiment. Here i was in Chicago, to see a boy that i truly care about and i felt, like i always do with him, like the second runner up. I know that if his gf would have made it up I would not have been invited. All i've ever wanted was for Sean to see me for who i am and who i can be in his life and it's like he is wearing a blindfold and shades. And it's not to say that he wasn't great on Friday. He was attentive and present and there but it felt like he wasn't mine. I was sharing him with his parents and his gf and he was so accommodating to them because their role is so prominent yet mess I just wanted him to finally take a stand or exclaim that he needed time just for me because i'm the one he's unofficially been seeing this last year. And i couldn't get that.

And I was so eager to have him all to myself so we could talk and maybe figure out what everything between us is about. And i knew if i stayed Saturday none of that would happen.

So in the morning, I pack all my shit and when his parents ask if i'm going to stay an extra day, I tell them i can't. When we get to the base to pick Sean up, he is anxious to begin the day because it's my birthday and he doesn't yet know i am not going to spend it with him. My plane was scheduled to leave at 12:30 but by the time we pick him up it's 10:30. The first thing he asks is if i am going to stay and I tell him no. He makes a face and then says he will do whatever he has to if i'll stay the extra day. He wants us to go to Chicago and see the sights and he has a present for me. As he is saying all these things all i can think about is how much i'll regret not staying. I don't know when or if i'll ever see him again and to be honest i didn't want to go. I really didn't.

So at the last minute i tell him i'll leave on Sunday, i'll stay for him, but he has to promise that my birthday will be spectacular.

Now, i believe, if his parents had any clue about the nature of my relationship with their son they would have backed off a little in the parental department. I mean had they known that we wanted some alone time, without it looking uber suspicious, i'm convinced my birthday would not have felt like a field trip monitored by adults. But because they assumed i was Sean's really good friend from work so Saturday turned out to be a disaster because we spent most of the day accommodating Sean's mom and dad who are...unique to say the least.

For the past two years i've known that Sean's dad has bipolar disorder. I don't know much about the disorder except that it involves mood swings and depression and episodes of extreme highs and lows. Because I am a very moody person Bipolar disorder has always been a very sensitive subject.  I do know that when i found out his dad was diagnosed with Bipolar it was something i knew Sean was predisposed to. I never wanted to self diagnose him because it's easy to equate someone's short-comings to mental illness. But i can't lie and say that i haven't recognized some of the features of the disorder in him. He even told me once, out of confidence, that he is pretty sure he has it but doesn't want to take medication until he can't function normally.

I probably spent more time with his parents this weekend than with Sean and getting to know them made me understand him so much more. His dad can at times be this jovial, brilliant, charismatic man an in another instant throw a tantrum like a child. Despite what Sean has said about his relationship with his father, his dad was so fucking proud to see Sean graduate.When Sean's dad was good, he was fun to be around. He joked a lot and was considerate. He talked passionately about movies and computers and was focused. Socially, he talked to any and everyone who would listen and had an authority about him that was approachable.

However, in the same breath  he could be sullen and crabby, aloof and downright angry. Both his parents were oblivious to the concept of time but his dad especially regarded it with such indifference that lateness was the norm. He'd get distracted  and that distraction would obsess him and we all would wait patiently until he worked himself out of it.

The worst was his irritability. He'd become irritable about the littlest thing and we'd have to deal with the fallout of it for however long it took him to calm down. The fallout was usually anger directed towards a)inanimate objects b) Sean's mom and/or c) Sean. It was sort of tough to witness because Sean and his mom at times seemed immune to it or worse paralyzed by his dads moodiness. I on the other hand observed with curiosity. It's not to say that his dad moods were the only thing that complicated Saturday being spectacular because it wasn't. His mom is passive and absent-minded and a huge hoarder! Huge. Though they only stayed for four days they packed so much shit their hotel was almost impossible to move around in. And while we were in town she wanted to buy things in bulk because she 'never knew when she was going to need it'. We couldn't go into a store without her buying any and everything.

There were just too many factors against me.

After i agreed to stay we drove back to the hotel so Sean could buy me a plane ticket and extend my hotel reservation. One of the few alone times we had was in the hotel lobby to use their computers and we both agreed that the trip would be a million times better without his parents around. Of course this sentence was short lived because his father came down soon after to ask us what we wanted to do now that I was going to stay the whole day. I had no clue, i'd never been to Chicago before and I really just wanted to spend my birthday alone with Sean. The front desk clerk recommended the Chicago aquamarine and because i am totally into sea life i was ecstatic about the idea.

Now we made plans to go to the aquamarine around noon. Instead of leaving soon after to get t there  we spent 3 more hours at the hotel while his mom watched tv and his dad google deals for the city. Sean and I seemed to be the only two aware of the time restraints and kept stressing that we had to go because it was my last day in town and Sean had to be back at base before 10pm. We left the hotel around 3:30 but because of traffic it took us two hours to get to downtown Chicago. At 4:30 we were realized that by the time we found parking and paid for admission we'd only have about 45 minutes inside so we bailed on the aquamarine that was literally a block away.

Sean could tell that i was getting upset and just as we decided to turn around we noticed this big ass Ferris Wheel in the distance (fyi, i'm obsessed with Ferris Wheels). Sean redirected his parents waning attention and we headed to what is called the Navy Pier for my birthday dinner. This would have been a romantic and splendid experience had it just been the boy and I. The sun was setting. The crowd was lively and nice. He was dressed in his best Navy suit and I looked nice in a navy blue lace top and skinny jeans. But his parents were starting to wear thin. His mom was cold and kept getting distracted by stores and his dad started complaining about everything. Parking, the noise, the crowd, the weather and how much he hated Chicago.

We decided to eat at a Italian restaurant and for a brief moment when his parents went to use the restroom it was just Sean and I. And it felt nice. I literally told him that as we were settling into our seats and looking outside the window. I told him that I missed 'this'. The one on one and just time with him. He apologized again for his parents and dinner was spent dealing with another one of his dad's meltdown this time because Sean's mom couldn't decide what she wanted to eat and his dad dropped a fork.

We managed to find the Ferris Wheel and I could have stayed their forever but Sean had a curfew and I had an early flight. The night ended solemnly. We just didn't have enough time to do anything, not even talk. We watched a movie on my laptop, cuddled on the couch while mom slept and his dad was downstairs in the lobby. We talked about me coming back to see him, this time alone so that we could have time to ourselves and just like that he had to go. And we said goodbye in the stairwell of the hotel room. And i boarded a plane back to New York early Sunday morning.

The trip wasn't anything like i expected. Not even because there wasn't any sex. I really just wanted to discuss us and what we're doing and how long we are going to continue as is. I didn't want definite answers but i desperately wanted and on some part thought i deserved something. And while Sean is definitely more mature, i could see that he still doesn't know what he wants.

The one thing he said he liked about boot camp is that he didn't have to think. There was always someone somewhere telling him what to do and how to behave. He liked not having ownership of his thoughts and it's a little frustrating for me because what i need from him is ownership of what he wants to do next.

And the navy couldn't make him conquer his fear of following his heart. The Navy couldn't make him see me. And even now, since I've been home, i have no clue where we stand. He calls every night to check in, I have spoken to his parents regularly  because i think they've adopted me and Sean and I are even planning another visit up to see him soon. But I still do not know what this boy wants from me or if he will ever want me as much as i want and love him.