Earlier this week Sean sent me a fb message which i have yet and probably will not respond to.
He received the birthday card and letter I sent and wanted to thank me. He's so happy I thought of him. He can't believe it took two months to reach him. He wants to email me immediately and i don't know, thank me some more or tell me me about his life
Of all the weeks for this damn letter to come back and bite me in the ass this is not the week. So much is happening in my life right now. So many things are changing. I am changing. And the one person who has the ability to halt change is Sean.
I am settling into my adorable apartment quite well. My mom bought me a crock-pot which i am googling recipes for as i type. I quit Barnes and Noble. I have a new crush on a boy with a lame tattoo. I have longer hair. I am no where near happy but damnit if i am not excited about the changes in my life. I have been sick this week so I took today off to drink tea and eat soup and read Harry Potter. Without furniture the studio is spacious and i danced and lounged while it rained outside.
Today I was happy. My life is simple and small but it makes me happy.
And then Sean sent me a message and any of the comfort i have felt these last few weeks were obliterated. I am not going to lie there isn't a day where Sean doesn't cross my thoughts I think of what i wanted. What i expected from him and what i ultimately did not get. I replay our relationship over and over again. Sometimes from the beginning but mainly from where we left it off: i tell him i can't be in his life anymore the way he wants me too. He responds "i got you sand from another country". There has been radio silence since July.
Sending him a birthday card and letter was probably a mistake. But I couldn't help myself. For someone who has treated me like i wasn't worthy of his time I wanted to do something nice. I wanted him to know that I still cared and remembered his birthday. And the letter i wrote was sincere and kind and heartfelt. I wished him a happy birthday. I wished him well on the high seas. I told him i wished we were more honest with one another because when we were it made me happy.
I gave him more than he ever deserved and i don't think he'll understand how much of a toll that took on me. There is nothing worse than giving your best and someone still telling you that it isn't enough. So while a part of me has been waiting and wanting for Sean to establish contact the other part is tired of being the girl who waits. Not romantically for Sean to get his shit together but emotionally and mentally as a human being.
I am not ready to talk to Sean. I may never be ready to talk to Sean. He is still the same person who told me that I was nothing in compared to his great and amazing girlfriend. At this precise moment as i waver between responding back or just ignoring him, I can only surmise that nothing good will come of it. I worry that he is a jinx. That things have been going so well because i haven't looked back. And i fear that if i do, if i respond to Sean, if i open up the channel of communication that all of my progress these last few months will be as wasteful as his promises.
And truth if it is my happiness or his on the line, mine is more important and more valuable.
3 comments:
no sean. kick that kid to the curb where he belongs. there is no room for sean in your new apartment, or your new job situation, or your new awesome.
instead, tell me more about the crush on the boy with the lame tattoo. [I have found there are a depressing number of cute, otherwise okay boys with lame tattoos out there. it is not a valid way of assessing someone. unless it's on their face. then, assess.]
The tattoo isn't terrible. It's just a big tribal on his arm. I think visually they are ugly. And often worn by people who have no culturally or ethnic ties to tribe. But this boy is do damn adorable imma put my bias aside. I said hi to him last week and he blushed. Blushed! In regards to Sean, it's so weird realizing that there is no space in my life for Sean. I've been brainwashed into thinking that there is no space in his life for me. For the past month he's been leaving comments or liking photos or responding to links and posts I have put on other peoples pages. This week he used the 'I got ur birthday card' excuse to contact me. I have no desire for Sean to be in my life. I have no desire to get sucked into his drama. No Sean. At all is my preferred way to exist. I'll be updating more often now that my life isn't a complete and hawt mess
As I said before, DON'T look back! The answers to your future are not in your past. If you care about YOU at all, leave the loser alone. You will only find your way in a true sense when you are free of any emotional ties holding you in limbo. If you have a weak moment now and again, it only means you are human. You can do this, girl.......to the curb he must go!!!!
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