It's 7 degrees outside. 7 whole degrees. I wish this was an exaggeration but winter, which seriously took a fucking holiday in December, is here with a vengeance.
The new year so far has not been kind to me. I spent the holidays too broke to buy anyone anything and alone in my new apartment because I had no place else to go. I then spent the new year too broke to go anywhere and also very much alone. Okay I wasn't alone. Kat and I went ice skating and went to the movies and then fretted about our fears about the new year. But sometimes even when you are around people you can feel alone, especially when that someone is your best friend.
I was preemptively optimistic about the new year since last year was such a fucking mess. For a brief moment I felt like i could put the last year behind me with, i don't know, ease and grace. I thought i'd be able to shelve everything in a box labeled "the year of disappointment' and hide it out of sight and out of mind.
But luck is never really on my side. It is always there. It never goes away. The pain. The disappointment. The anger. The humiliation. The sadness. It never goes away, no matter how far I hide the box. It never goes away really.
Sean is in town for 11 days. I found out via his father who sent me a fb message. I spent a week ignoring all of his posts about being home and the pictures of him and his fiance (sporting a shiny new ring). I ignored the ache in my belly. I ignored the stab in my chest. I ignored the weight of what feels like the world on my shoulder. But more importantly I ignored Sean because the boy likes to throw out bait knowing I will grab for it.
Perhaps because of this he messaged me on Sunday telling me he was home 'until the 11th if i wanted to see him at all'. The tone was incredulous. Like how dare i not acknowledge him being in town. How dare I let the days go by without even saying hello. How dare I... his undesirable girl not reach out to him. How dare I.
So i sat there paralyzed in front of the message. i cried for hours. I cried into a ball. I cried until everything hurt. I felt possessed with tears and weight. I cried and then i wanted to die. Not actual death but evaporation. I wanted to evaporate and vanish into nothingness. It is what he makes me feel like nothing. Absolutely nothing.
How is it possible for one person to make me feel so awful about my own existence. Why does he still have this profound affect on me. Though my response, yes there was a response, was very blase there was a part of me that desired an eagerness from him to see me. There may always be a part of me that wants some sort of explanation as to why he choose to treat me so poorly.
I feel pathetic. I am depressed. I am also now very fucking sick because of the weather and perhaps because of disappointment. I want to die. Not actual death. But i want to evaporate into nothingness. Absolute nothingness where that pain is dulled at least.
4 comments:
Ugh, the fiance's MOM was also in on the creeping? Something is so seriously wrong with that entire group of people.
As for email blocking, can you set up a filter that will send messages from him (and his parents! the weirdos!) directly to your trash? If not, you could always set up a new email address, forward your email from AOL there, and then set up a filter on the new account (gmail and hotmail would both work for this, and you wouldn't have to go through all the hell of changing your email address because everything else would still be forwarded).
It's not easy to get away from people on the internet, but damned if we won't figure out a way if that's what you want, lady.
lol, it's definitely what i want. need. desire. deserve. I just don't want him to have any way to contact me (which is a little hard to do in the digital age but there was to be a way). Or I at least want it to be very hard for him to do if he does try to contact me.
And yes! the fiance's mom was just as crazy. From what i know of his fiance and her mother they are super close. They still sleep in the same bed and she won't move in with Sean unless her mother can come with them. Or unless he can afford two apartments: one for her and her mother to live in and one near by where he lives.
She obviously knew of me (to what extent, i am not sure) but anytime i would post something on his wall she would post something seconds later as if she was monitoring who he was in contact with. It never failed. I think she knows Sean is the best her daughter can do so she is very involved in many aspects of their relationship.
I have so many crazy stories from both families. I can only hope this is something I learn from.
Post a Comment