Every year Kat and I complain that we don't have any pictures of us together. As Bff's "there is something wrong with the fact that we have no documentation of our unadulterated love' So on New Years Day (after I spent the night before crying over Sean), Kat and I went ice skating, marathoned The Affair (if there is one show you watch this year, please let it be this one), ate a butt load of junk food and decided we should take a series of selfies. Our last attempt at a selfie was three years ago on a hot summer day in Brooklyn. We were both sick and depressed and looked uncomfortable and sweaty in the picture. Needless to say this is not a picture we particularly like to look at or share with others.
This year we wanted to correct our selfie fail and after a few decent shots (and great lighting) she finally got a picture of us where we didn't look sickly or deeply depressed, which honestly these days is a look we pull off pretty well.
Unfortunately Kat didn't realize she was carrying the plague during our photo op and over the weekend she showed flu like symptoms. I of course wasn't too worried when she complained of feeling ill because I'm the person who usually gets sick well after everyone else. While I am not immune to getting sick I have been known to catch things weeks/months after everyone else. So needless to say I thought I was in the clear.
But then Thursday came around, the day that will forever be known as the "day i thought i was dying'. Or more accurately 'the day i got the flu but thought i was dying because I am dramatic' And while I love Kat to death I do believe I caught it from her during the hour it took us to properly take a selfie. I want to go down in history as the first person to contract the flu from being adorable with her best friend. Happens to the best of us, I guess.
Today was my first day out in the real world since contracting the bug and I do believe I have made a huge mistake in leaving the house. While i feel scores better than lastThursday (which included: vomiting, headache, fever and chills, aches and general pains) I do not believe I am well enough to be outside. I may have worn pajama's to work. I definitely did not brush my hair and I have faked sobbed more times than I can count because I just want to go home. Why is it not time to go home yet.
I will say that out of this sickness I did do a very brave thing. I FINALLY deleted/blocked Sean, his parents, his fiance and his fiance's mom from facebook. I should have done this back in May when he got engaged. I should have done this back in June when he told me I was immature and needed to grow up (yes a motherfucker did). I should have done this in July when his father and dad kept updating me about his deployment. But I didn't because I believed I could be his 'friend' despite everything. I believed maybe there was still something left between us worth salvaging.
We resumed email exchanges and contact in October. Nothing dramatic or noteworthy but it did occur. His emails were florid with rich phrases and grandiose language. He wanted us to talk more. He would read everything i sent him with care and consideration. He looked forward to seeing me in January. He got me sand. And it is not that I believed that he had miraculously become a better person due his time at sea, I just wanted to believe that he was capable of change and maybe that person could be someone I could have in my life.
But then I caught him in a lie. A small but very annoying lie and had it been any other person I would have been able to look past it. But the lie reinforced that Sean can and will never be a person who deserves to be in my life. He is a liar. He is a cheater and worse he is delusional. More delusional than I thinking we could ever have a healthy and loving relationship. So before Thanksgiving I told him i didn't want to be his friend anymore. I wrote him an email where I I told him that I did not think he was capable of being a good person to me. I let him 'have it' so to speak and he responded with such disregard to how he treated me it only fueled my rage:
"you are a grown adult woman and you know what it is you want and I will not be contrary toward you in that way....I will always care about you because I am a human being with a conscience and i generally enjoy being a good person....your last email made me sad because it seems you are under the impression that I am no more than what you think of me....there is much more to you than what I or anyone else could think, and the same is true of every human being...".
Yep. This was his response. It couldn't have been any more impersonal.
This of course did not stop him from sending me messages through facebook: Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Chrsitmas. Happy New Year which all went unanswered by me.
And then he came home for 11 days and while I wasn't expecting much from him..I still expected something, I guess. I deserved to be acknowledged, which i know sounds crazy and stupid because I voiced my sincere interest in not being his friend, but after everything I did for him, going to Chicago being one of the biggest things. I wanted him to grovel. It's hard to explain, But I wanted him to be accountable for how horrible he treated me.
I wanted him to call. I wanted him to text. I wanted him to want to see me because I deserved at least that. In return I wanted to be in a position where I got to deny him. Where I got to decide if he was worth seeing and hearing and feeling. But he wasn't even man enough to give me that. Not really anyway. He sent me that annoying facebook message and then failed to get back to me. He once again dangled something in front of me without having any intentions of following through. He just wanted to be seen and heard. He did not put my feelings into consideration. He was a coward.
So this weekend I took the first step in distancing myself from Sean and I erased him from my digital life. I blocked his dad, his mom, his fiance, his fiance's mom and finally i blocked Sean. Having access to him digitally (and vice versa) was stressing me out. So while I only had enough energy for sleep and more sleep this weekend thanks to the Flu, I took a few minutes between vomiting and dying and decided that I couldn't put myself through this thing with Sean anymore.
I flew all the way to Chicago to share a very special life event with him and he couldn't even visit me while he was home on Leave for two weeks. There is a special place in hell for someone like that.
Despite my righteous indignation over this recent and perhaps finale insult, I will have a hard time accepting that I was wrong about a boy i loved so dearly. Because I did love Sean. I am not above admitting this and I want to make that clear to myself. I did love Sean, maybe for all the wrong reasons but I loved him. I didn't date in high school or college. I was not a girl boys eagerly gave attention to. I am pretty. I am nice. I am funny. But socially I am in a place where that has not gotten me far romantically. I am still too unconventional. I am still very hard to get to know. And my relationship with Sean was a first in a lot of ways.
He became important during a time when i was fractured and that too will be hard to reconcile. I was so angry when Marie died and for some reason it was easy to fall on Sean during this time. He was hard and lacked empathy and just allowed me to express anger like I have never been able to do. And when I was angry and jaded Sean was the only person I wanted and could relate to.
I think the problems began when I started to stitch myself together again. My anger was slowly replaced with a desire to love and be loved and while I cannot speak for Sean I think he started to care about me unexpectedly and so suddenly that it scared the shit out of him. It terrified him. It terrifies him. And this is not said lightly. Everyone who has heard about my situation with Sean has of course revealed their own story of the 'sociopath ex' who used, abused and dumped them. The boy or girl who treated them like shit and deserves a permanent spot in hell. And while those stories are very familiar to my own, I do believe that Sean loved me but just didn't know how to. Or if what he felt was risk losing what he was comfortable with.
Again this is all speculation. I can't and will not speak for him. I still think he is the worst human being I have ever known. I am still too hurt and upset by everything that happened. I regret that we both weren't a little braver. But I do not regret my decision to cease all contact with him. I can't let someone continue to let me down as if i am something less than human.
But then Thursday came around, the day that will forever be known as the "day i thought i was dying'. Or more accurately 'the day i got the flu but thought i was dying because I am dramatic' And while I love Kat to death I do believe I caught it from her during the hour it took us to properly take a selfie. I want to go down in history as the first person to contract the flu from being adorable with her best friend. Happens to the best of us, I guess.
Today was my first day out in the real world since contracting the bug and I do believe I have made a huge mistake in leaving the house. While i feel scores better than lastThursday (which included: vomiting, headache, fever and chills, aches and general pains) I do not believe I am well enough to be outside. I may have worn pajama's to work. I definitely did not brush my hair and I have faked sobbed more times than I can count because I just want to go home. Why is it not time to go home yet.
I will say that out of this sickness I did do a very brave thing. I FINALLY deleted/blocked Sean, his parents, his fiance and his fiance's mom from facebook. I should have done this back in May when he got engaged. I should have done this back in June when he told me I was immature and needed to grow up (yes a motherfucker did). I should have done this in July when his father and dad kept updating me about his deployment. But I didn't because I believed I could be his 'friend' despite everything. I believed maybe there was still something left between us worth salvaging.
We resumed email exchanges and contact in October. Nothing dramatic or noteworthy but it did occur. His emails were florid with rich phrases and grandiose language. He wanted us to talk more. He would read everything i sent him with care and consideration. He looked forward to seeing me in January. He got me sand. And it is not that I believed that he had miraculously become a better person due his time at sea, I just wanted to believe that he was capable of change and maybe that person could be someone I could have in my life.
But then I caught him in a lie. A small but very annoying lie and had it been any other person I would have been able to look past it. But the lie reinforced that Sean can and will never be a person who deserves to be in my life. He is a liar. He is a cheater and worse he is delusional. More delusional than I thinking we could ever have a healthy and loving relationship. So before Thanksgiving I told him i didn't want to be his friend anymore. I wrote him an email where I I told him that I did not think he was capable of being a good person to me. I let him 'have it' so to speak and he responded with such disregard to how he treated me it only fueled my rage:
"you are a grown adult woman and you know what it is you want and I will not be contrary toward you in that way....I will always care about you because I am a human being with a conscience and i generally enjoy being a good person....your last email made me sad because it seems you are under the impression that I am no more than what you think of me....there is much more to you than what I or anyone else could think, and the same is true of every human being...".
Yep. This was his response. It couldn't have been any more impersonal.
This of course did not stop him from sending me messages through facebook: Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Chrsitmas. Happy New Year which all went unanswered by me.
And then he came home for 11 days and while I wasn't expecting much from him..I still expected something, I guess. I deserved to be acknowledged, which i know sounds crazy and stupid because I voiced my sincere interest in not being his friend, but after everything I did for him, going to Chicago being one of the biggest things. I wanted him to grovel. It's hard to explain, But I wanted him to be accountable for how horrible he treated me.
I wanted him to call. I wanted him to text. I wanted him to want to see me because I deserved at least that. In return I wanted to be in a position where I got to deny him. Where I got to decide if he was worth seeing and hearing and feeling. But he wasn't even man enough to give me that. Not really anyway. He sent me that annoying facebook message and then failed to get back to me. He once again dangled something in front of me without having any intentions of following through. He just wanted to be seen and heard. He did not put my feelings into consideration. He was a coward.
So this weekend I took the first step in distancing myself from Sean and I erased him from my digital life. I blocked his dad, his mom, his fiance, his fiance's mom and finally i blocked Sean. Having access to him digitally (and vice versa) was stressing me out. So while I only had enough energy for sleep and more sleep this weekend thanks to the Flu, I took a few minutes between vomiting and dying and decided that I couldn't put myself through this thing with Sean anymore.
I flew all the way to Chicago to share a very special life event with him and he couldn't even visit me while he was home on Leave for two weeks. There is a special place in hell for someone like that.
Despite my righteous indignation over this recent and perhaps finale insult, I will have a hard time accepting that I was wrong about a boy i loved so dearly. Because I did love Sean. I am not above admitting this and I want to make that clear to myself. I did love Sean, maybe for all the wrong reasons but I loved him. I didn't date in high school or college. I was not a girl boys eagerly gave attention to. I am pretty. I am nice. I am funny. But socially I am in a place where that has not gotten me far romantically. I am still too unconventional. I am still very hard to get to know. And my relationship with Sean was a first in a lot of ways.
He became important during a time when i was fractured and that too will be hard to reconcile. I was so angry when Marie died and for some reason it was easy to fall on Sean during this time. He was hard and lacked empathy and just allowed me to express anger like I have never been able to do. And when I was angry and jaded Sean was the only person I wanted and could relate to.
I think the problems began when I started to stitch myself together again. My anger was slowly replaced with a desire to love and be loved and while I cannot speak for Sean I think he started to care about me unexpectedly and so suddenly that it scared the shit out of him. It terrified him. It terrifies him. And this is not said lightly. Everyone who has heard about my situation with Sean has of course revealed their own story of the 'sociopath ex' who used, abused and dumped them. The boy or girl who treated them like shit and deserves a permanent spot in hell. And while those stories are very familiar to my own, I do believe that Sean loved me but just didn't know how to. Or if what he felt was risk losing what he was comfortable with.
Again this is all speculation. I can't and will not speak for him. I still think he is the worst human being I have ever known. I am still too hurt and upset by everything that happened. I regret that we both weren't a little braver. But I do not regret my decision to cease all contact with him. I can't let someone continue to let me down as if i am something less than human.
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