Most Unpopular Girl in the Room.

I was never one for senior superlatives....but right now if one were assigned to me I think it would be that one. Le Fucking Sigh.

The last few weeks it feels like I have stepped into a time machine that has transported me back a time where I a) had little to no friends b) felt lonely and depressed and c) found comfort only under the safety of blankets because no one loves me and I am destined to die alone. Okay Most Likely to Exaggerate Feelings may also be a superlative I would win. But seriously the times are circa 2006 right now and I no likey.

I do not know what is going on in my life at the present moment. Not too long ago I was a person with friends, a social life, a disastrous but still discussion worthy 'un-romance'. I was worried about there not being enough time to tackle things. I'd sleep late and wake early. I had two jobs that kept me busy. I had concrete plans. And a cat named Memo. I was social and useful and while things weren't great I sure as hell was distracted.

The last few months have been very different from the one I once knew and I am not sure I am handling these changes well. The move into my new place was necessary and for the most part i love it. The privacy is awesome. The space is incredible. And not having to share a bathroom is the best! I've been sharing one for the last 28 years and suddenly I have one all to myself. I can take baths for as long as I want without someone knocking on the door.

I live in a college town maybe 10-15 minutes from where I used to live but without a car I often feel secluded from things. New York is a strange place; I am a bus ride away from one of the most populated areas in my county and yet my actual town feels small. It is the Stars Hollow of the tri state area with it's quaint and picturesque surroundings. But I am sort of stuck in this truly adorable town without any friends to explore it with most of the time because I am still adjusting. It's kind of depressing.

Speaking of friends: outside of Kat I am starting to believe I do not have many 'friends' left. I kid you not. Working at Le Sad Store was awesome because I was able to interact and form bonds with people on a weekly basis without having to put in much of an effort. Work became a hangout place where all my social needs were met. It was much easier to plan things around a bunch of people getting off work at the same time and desiring to have fun. But since I quit Le Sad Store I have not really dropped by mainly based on my own experiences with seeing old co-workers stopping in for the awkward 'so, what's new' spiel. Which seriously is the pits.

 Plus many of the people who I was close to aren't there anymore. Some how I thought it would still  be easy to maintain those friendships despite everything. But apparently I was wrong. Either I misjudged my closeness with a lot of people or I am just not as popular as I'd like to think. Maybe both. I sort of put myself in this position if I can be honest. Sean and Kat were the two people who i exerted all my real energy on but my dynamics with both were so differently socially. And of course now so is my relationship.

No one really liked Sean at Le Sad Store. He was a domineering presence who was cocky and moody as fuck but people tolerated him because of my closeness to him (and because he had a car). In classic form once our 'un-romance' feel apart and he joined the Navy I retained all of our friends but i realized I wasn't super close to them based on mutual interest, I was close to them because Sean liked to be entertained and to make him happy I made sure to be game for any asinine activity he wanted to engage in but could not handle doing by himself. Or more importantly that he wouldn't have been invited to engage in without me. Once he left so did my desire to participate in those things anymore and eventually people seem to have just stopped inviting me to do them.

On Kat's end I am the Jan Brady to her Marci. I often feel like her less attractive, less interesting sidekick that is often only required to supply comic relief. While Kat and I generally have the same friends I am never really asked to hang out with any of them unless Kathleen has been asked too as well. The last party we went to I was talking to a mutual friend for a solid hour at the bar. The conversation was lively and fun and Kathleen was not even within earshot of us. Before getting up to leave said friend said 'this has been really great, we definitely need to hang out soon...make sure to bring Kathleen with you'. This was not the first time someone has said this to me. I am certain it will not be the last either.

So now that we both do not work at Le Sad Store my worst fears have suddenly been confirmed. While Kat still remains in touch with a bunch of 'our' friends who want to catch up with her and hang out...I have not received the same response. We'll be hanging out and she'll comment on a text she just received from a mutual friend about establishing plans and they will mention me in passing 'oh, and tell Beckett I said hi", as my phone idly sits there with no calls, texts or even messages. What's even more depressing is in some cases my presence seems not as important. It does not matter if I miss an outing as long as Kat is there.

Last week we both got sick on a day we were supposed to hang out with a bunch of people from Le Sad Store. Leading up to the outing, my presence was a hit or miss. I was expected to show up but like most things it wouldn't be the end of the world...if i didn't. So when we both got sick leading up to the actual day my feelings were mixed. I felt guilty for not going but then not really sure if any would miss my absence. That night Kat received condolences and 'get well soon' messages for not being able to make it  (which she had no problem relaying/texting to me as I lay dying). I on the other hand was chastised for being selfish and possibly exaggerating how awful I felt to get out of the outing. Yep. No condolences, not get well soon...just a 'all of a sudden ure sick? mkay".

I am trying to keep my head and spirits up despite how awful things are and how bad I feel. I just need things to get better so that I can feel less despondent and depressed. My days consist of work, which is still only part time, and home. Both do not require much activity or socializing. Both are not satisfying either. I've hit this weird spot and age where I have no idea how to make things better or what exactly would make them better but I worry about being in this funk, friendless, love-less, unsatisfying disposition any longer than necessary.