While I am learning to enjoy Christmas again, I must admit I was never a huge fan of the New Years holiday It's such a weird celebratory day. I get it, some of us survived another year. I get it, the new year marks this weird reset ideology for some. But to me, the new year is just that a new year. Or rather a continuation of whatever I currently have in progress.
So even though I was invited to a New Years Eve party, i decided to spend the night at home. I drank some wine that I stole from my work holiday party, I marathoned Black Mirror Season 4, I made the rounds with phone calls and texts to friends and family and turned on NBC or ABC at the exact moment the countdown began. Then I went to bed, like any sane person would with little to no actual resolution for the upcoming year. Except maybe, to keep trudging along as I have been.
New Years Day however proved to be a little more eventful.
So...Blue and I have been consistently hanging out for about a month now. We decided just before I went home for Thanksgiving that we should see each other regularly. And that is what we are doing. He typically comes over every Sunday around noon and doesn't leave until 8. We have lunch together (and sometimes he'll bring me a homemade snack), watch movies, talk for hours and then pick up dinner. He is a sweet, patient, attentive boy who can be both serious to a fault and completely ridiculous and charming
I like him. I really freaking do. Something I was not intending on doing when we first started hanging out. But after four months, I can unequivocally say I like having him around and while I was hesitant about sharing my sacred weekend with anyone there is something nice about sharing the weekend with him. And he keeps coming back so I guess he feels the same way.
While Matt and I excel at intellectual, mental and emotional connection....we seemed stalled or hesitant about sexual one. Which is frustrating because I constantly think about hooking up with him. Early on, I convinced myself that I was totally okay with having a friends with benefit relationship with Matt...because well, i'm a human with urges and needs who is not comfortable enough adapting to online dating. Ideally, Matt is the perfect sort of boy in this regards. We've known each other for years, there's always been an interest rather platonically or romantically AND we no longer work with each other. It's a perfect situation.
But our past friendship and familiarity actually seems to be working against us rather than for us. We are so comfortable around each other that there is perhaps this hesitation to cross that line. I mean I'm all about crossing it (especially when he wears this stupid blue henley sweater) but I understand that the risk of it not working out (whatever it is) means that we wouldn't have what we have now: companionship. Sex, unfortunately, always complicates things and feelings and emotions and he seems aware of this too as we continue toying around with possibilities without acting on any. If we throw sex into the equation, the dynamic would change. And maybe we both aren't ready for that yet. I mean the sex part yes, but the fallout....not so much.
This isn't to say we don't discuss sex a lot. The bulk of our conversations are about intimacy and our preferences. He typically dates dark skinned women (check) who are independent (check), quirky (check) and smart (check). He asks me all the time what my preferences are in men and honestly he is pretty much my type right down to the stupid beard. Sometimes I worry about my lack of experience tho....because i do lack it. I am not a complete angel but compared to most people my age I am "virginal" as fuck. He once brought up that he is as interested in his sexual partner getting the most of sex because he knows the women orgasm takes longer to obtain. I literally choked on my fucking water when he said this and instead of inquiring further i was like "damn" because well damn, that means he is a boy who is diligent.
But every time he throws a sexual comment my way, I have no idea how to follow it up. I get so stuck in my head and past insecurities that I am not sure if he is just throwing out a fact OR he is letting me know how very interested he is. So for now, the sexual or romantic (or both) possibility remains suspended between us and because we are both non assertive individuals it looks like this tension will continue until we both explode or cave. I'm not sure which.
Because of the holidays, we haven't been able to have a proper Sunday hangout in a while. The last two weekends he has either come to my house on Friday after work, or Saturday after his volunteer gig. So instead of spending all day with him, I usually get a few hours before he heads home. This week we decided that we should hang out on New Years Day, which to me seemed like a very relationship thing to do. We spent much of New Years Eve texting and then on monday he showed up in this ridiculous but warm winter jacket that he let me parade in for a few minutes while laughing. He was so smitten with my strut that he said he would buy me a similar coat in my size.
"you want to buy me a jacket"
"well, you look so good in mine...you should have your own".
What is this boy doing? what are we doing? why can't we just skip these moments of hesitation and tension and just..idk, get to the point. Because I think I really want to pursue this boy who is unlike any boy I am ever liked. And I don't mean it in that whimsical way i used to name all of my previous crushes...he is no Art Boy or Mcabs, he is Matt, this man with warmth and a self awareness that embarrasses him. When he's talking, i'll look at his lips or his hands or the sneak peak of chest hair peaking out from his shirt collar. I like when he laughs to the point that he's hand goes to his mouth, I like that he is smart and thoughtful but also a person with slight OCD because he is always straightening things on my bookshelf or coffee table.
I like him and I want him around and I know that means that i'll have to be brave and bold and assertive. So i will because I think he's worth it.
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