Hang the DJ

Matt wants us to have a "serious conversation" on Sunday.  He said this to me Wednesday via text and yer girl is freaking out about what could transpire in a few days.

Apparently he is in a much better mood now that he has returned to eating solids (he hasn't eaten since last Thursday due to the stitches in his gums) and before he goes to Texas he thinks we should have a talk. The last few days have been so strange between us and all my fears of our relationship changing negatively once we discussed what is brimming to the surface seems to be occurring.

I mean grant it, he is in much better spirits and I have a small idea what he wants to discuss this Sunday. He mentioned our relationship to his co-worker and I guess they had some questions and thoughts that maybe he didn't piece together. Because you know, he's a smart but also a very dense boy. He sent a flurry of texts Wednesday  telling me that i was important and that he likes who I am and that he would never mislead me....yadda, yadda, yadda.

It was a very entertaining text exchange and I know it should give me some hope that last week and this past weekend was just a big ol' mess of miscommunication and perhaps fear. But I am nervous. I am not a person who always knows what I want. I do not always wish to belong to anything or one. I have also never been in love. I have been infatuated/in lust/in like/in denial/in limbo...but never love. It is not something I have ever opened myself out to fully for reasons I am not sure I will ever really understand.

And I am not claiming to love Matt. I am still learning all of these things about him that takes time and effort and honestly intimacy but my connection to this boy is....something new. It might have to do with me as much as it has to do with him. I am not the same person I was 8 years ago, or 4 years ago or hell even 2 years. I am much more confident and comfortable in my skin and I don't have time to waste on people who don't offer me something that is worth loving.

And while Matt is sort of this enigma of a person, he is also incredibly kind and gentle and I get the impression he would never hurt me. That he goes out of his way to  handle me delicately which i am not used to. I have cried in front of this boy, I have danced recklessly and sang stupid songs in front of him. I have allowed him to see me fully and there is something in that that scares me. Because I am not a person who is capable of always saying what i mean but I'll show you effortlessly.

There are parts of me that worries my growing feelings for him may cause reckless pain. The sort of pain that aches in the tender folds. The sort of pain that makes you feel crazy and insecure and yet wondrous all over. But I trust him with his pain....if that makes sense. I trust him with this pain or at least I want to.

What I don't want is to be led down this path that leads to nowhere and unfortunately, if this happens I am at fault as much as he is. Because as much as I talk about wanting him to tell me his intent...I can be a pretty hard person to read and where I should be admitting my feelings for him, I instead of keeping mum out of fear that the thought never crossed his mind. I am more worried about never being an option to him than a flat out rejection. That if I tell him how I feel he'll saying something stupid like "I only ever saw you as a friend, where is this other stuff coming from" which would crush me for some reason. And I can't continue to blame Sean for those insecurities. They are all my own. I have always felt not quite good enough and I am perhaps doing the same thing with Matt now.

Le sigh. I am nervous as fuck right now. We haven't spoken since Wednesday and with his "talk" conversation looming I don't feel confident enough to be brave Sunday but it looks like I don't have any choice.