I thought we were on the up and up after some truly extraordinary hangouts but homeboy came at me this weekend with some mixed signals and now I feel like my life is a comedy or errors. Or rather a Jane Austin novel where the characters say one thing but think another thing and then fumble around trying to communicate and understand each other based on a slew of miscommunications.
I have several saved and unfinished journal entries about my weekends with Matt. For the past month or so Sundays have become an extraordinary day of .... companionship and I think love, or something like it. He swings by at noon and we spend the whole day eating and talking and watching movies. The last couple of weeks we haven't even been able to squeeze in watching movies as much because we are consumed with just wanting to talk about everything.
He is a charming attentive boy which I sort of like because I am used to be the listener in most of my relationships. But he seems to want to know about my days. He'll sit on the couch and I will go on a tangent about something irrelevant and he'll say "wait, but you didn't tell me about your week. Lets start there". And it pulls at my heart strings how much he listens. Sometimes he scowls at my stories, especially the ones about work. Sometimes he shakes his head in "disapproval" at some of my week day shenanigans but he is kind and attentive and I think I like to tell him stories because his eyes light up when i do.
The last two weeks he has made me food from home. An apple crisp dessert that literally was an organismic treat and last weekend he made me pizza from scratch. homemade dough and sauce and special cheese that doesn't come from the refrigerated aisle. Growing up I had a great uncle who used to live down the street from my grandma's house. When we would visit her, he would make a point of coming over with a bag full of treats. Mainly fruit and vegetables for my grandma but he always had this super small bag of cookies especially for me. I'd get so excited when he pulled the bag from under his arm, like he magically conjured it up from thin air. And Matt has been doing this with his homemade food. If he walks into my house with his black lunch bag I know there is food inside and I'll attack him with questions until he teases me to settle down.
I like this boy, or something like it, and despite our inability to cross this romantic threshold (yet) I think he likes me too. I can tell from the way he looks at me or the way he touches me or the way he says my stupid name. There is chemistry, so much of it, that I want to bottle it up and store it for when i am feeling down. He has gone from being this guy I once worked with to this person that I want to have things with. To share things with and I don't like that feeling. I mean I love that feeling but the vulnerability scares me.
But of course we both have our barriers. He has not had much luck with woman and is hesitant about opening up his heart again. His last gf wanted an open relationship and the few online dates he has gone on have left a sour taste in his mouth. So i think he feels like less of a man because he hasn't had a lot of good experiences with women. I am just a big old weirdo who feels things so strongly but am often unable to tell people what I want. I am also so inexperienced in areas of love that I don't always know how to read obvious signs of desire and attraction.
So the last few months have been exceptional in one area (companionship) and terrible in others (um, we haven't even kissed yet). Last week we were both having a shit couple of days. I am having so many problems at work I have thought about quitting more times than i'd like to admit. Matt is going through some prolonged dental pain related to surgery he just had and he was just in an uncharacteristically awful mood. On Thursday we got into a conversation via text about love and relationship and consent (based on the Aziz Ansari incident) which of course led to us talking about sex.
He's convinced that women don't want to have sex as much as men, and I am convinced that most women generally like sex but a yes can easily become a no if say, there is no foreplay or lack of communication beforehand. Just dumb shit like that. We both agreed that men and women should communicate more about what they want from a potential partner (wink wink) and we concluded that men and women will continue to have many issues because of miscommunication.
During this very engaging conversation he bluntly asked me what sort of dudes i generally dated and I was like "holy effing shit! finally! we are getting somewhere'. Of course I basically describe him and he's like "okay kewl" and I ask "why do you want to know what i'm into romantically" because I think he is going to cross the threshold and tell me what i've been wanting to hear!
Ya'll....i'm going to be honest right now..Matt literally texted back "because i've been known to be a really good matchmaker....so now since I know what you are into, I can keep my eyes open".
Excuse Me? Asawywhat? Why would i need him to keep his eyes open if we are....seeing each other...cause i don't know I sort of thought him spending all day at my house and making me dinner and buying me presents and sharing some truly intense moments of....intimacy meant that our eyes were firmly planted on each other. I mean, am i reading the signs completely wrong?
Of course I am livid at this comment and I call him on it immediately. I ask him why he is under the impression that I need an extra pair of eyes to find a dude. I also ask him why he is still single since he's such a great "matchmaker". Ya'll....he replies "because women around here don't seem to be that interested in me, so maybe when I go to grad school in a few years I can start looking again".
Asaywhat?!?!
I couldn't understand the sudden shift in his attitude. I mean, I knew he was in a lot of physical pain because of the surgery but he was coming across mean and almost defiant. And this was after our extraordinary weekend of movies and food. We watched a really sad movie the weekend before and I got teary eyed. He ran and grabbed my tissues and then wiped my tears away.....I mean c'mon! Why do this for a girl you are practically shooting down.
We end the conversation poorly and then the next day he texts me incessantly because he didn't want me to grab drinks with a work friend who he sort of loathes. I had a weird encounter with said work friend a few weeks back and Matt is convinced he is just trying to get in my pants. But i was so livid over our text exchange from Thursday I sort of played into his fears just to piss him off. It worked and we went most of the weekend without talking. He texted me Sunday to make sure that we were still on and of course I relented and said "sure"
He was still in pain most of the day because of his dental surgery and I was still pretty upset about the last few days. He could obviously tell something was up so he apologized out of the blue as he was mixing me a drink. He was grabbing ice from the freezer when he said "listen, i'm really sorry i've been a shit to you these last few days. I just have a tendency of ruining things before they get good and I'm sorry".
I was taken aback by the apology so like an asshole I asked him to repeat it again, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. But he does. He says it all again but instead of looking away like he did the first time....he turns his head and looks me right in the eyes and says it again "i'm having a really hard week, and i'm tired and in pain but that doesn't give me the right to be a dick to you. And i'm sorry for trying to mess things up before they get good " and then he hands me my drink and we end the night watching a Tarantino film.
Matt is heading to Texas on Feb 3rd for two weeks so this Sunday is our last together before this trip. I am nervous and anxious and feeling a little unsure about who or what I am to this boy. I have gotten advice from damn near all my friends who say I need to be blunt af with Matt about my feelings...even though I am unsure about the extent of them. I mean I like him and I want to have all the sex with him but I wasn't expecting to have feeling for him ....that came out of nowhere and I'm afraid of putting myself in another Sean situation where I give him literally everything...only for him to take and discard. So i want him to tell me what he wants. I want him to want me so I can make the decision on how to proceed. But i think he is petrified. The ball is in his court and he is petrified.
I have 4 days to get my shit together and figure out what the hell to do or say Sunday and I am freaking out. Just freaking out.
No comments:
Post a Comment