All Snowed In.

There is so much snow outside. I don't even think the ground exist anymore.

I stayed inside all day to the pleasant sound of harsh winds and rain. I Played the sims (which I am getting use to), watched daytime tv, and slept. And when I woke up the ground was already covered, and tomorrow promises for more. I am suppose to go to work, but I heard today they closed early. Apparently people won't brace the snow for books, not even good ones.

I know tomorrow I will be over this whole snow thing, especially if I have to trudge to work in it. But for now, there is something comforting about not having to be anywhere. That I am all too snowed in to do anything but look at my window, and see the inches accumulate on the ground.
It's kind of refreshing.

And after my 'disagreement' with the Matt kid, I have committed myself to writing tomorrow. I'll have to pick one of my many stories to work on (Peru are you still there) but I don't want to be that girl who constantly talks about writing and who doesn't end of producing anything. I can spend my whole life doing that.

I heard this beautiful song the other day on 16 and Pregnant and can't stop listening to it these days. It's make me feel all kinds of sad and beautiful and I must admit, it was my song of the day.

Time for bed.

Takes Some Getting Use To.

Tomorrow I am suppose to get snowed in. Well, the whole northeast is. By the grace of my internship (the publishing one) I still have Tuesday and Thursdays off, which means I won't get trapped in the snow/rain/whatever mix is coming our way.

I've made no attempt to tell my managers differently, and they have not asked me about any changes in my schedule. I like knowing that on Tuesday and Thursdays I will not be at the bookstore, slaving away for minimum wage. That on those days I am more than just a name tag. A name tag that in all honesty probably isn't mine anyway ( someone asked me who my name was today, and I looked down at the name tag I had thrown on earlier in the day and said "Bradley")

And good thing I have tomorrow off because we are suppose to get hit hard by another winter storm, and I feel like I need a break from the world for awhile. I have literally spent over a grand this week on my computer, food, and birthday related things (for my mom). I haven't felt comfortable spending all this money. Hours are being slashed at work, I now have this lovely thing called rent to pay for, and yeah the pains of getting older are starting to smack me over the head. Spending that much money has just made everything else feel like crap.

I admit that I am not a huge fan of change. I like things to stay the way they are. And once I am comfortable with one thing I rarely deviate from that. I believe in the whole "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" mantra. I like my things the way they are, even if they are hanging off the hinges, falling apart in my hands, or worse.

But this has been a crazy couple of months for me. My life has changed in more ways than I am use to. I moved out of my moms, out of my aunts (kicked out, but whatever), back to new york, into my own place, got a crappy job, got a new computer....you get the picture. And I just seemed to realize (today) how different my life is from what it has been, and not because of any life changing realization but because.....

My brother bought me the sims 3. By bought I mean I suggested, over the phone, that an awesome birthday present from him would be the Sims 3. I mean I have this new computer and all, and though I love the Sims 2, it pretty much ate my last computers memory. He deposited the money in my account yesterday and hours later.... I am so confused by the game.

Yeah, the graphics are better, the game is much faster, and the people look 'more real' but it is taking some getting use to. I immediately wanted to revert to the Sims 2. Like where the hell is my fake cartoonish looking people, with their nice dream houses and yadda yadda. This game is too real for me. I don't want to be able to access my neighbors house. I don't want to follow my sims to work, I want it the way it use to be (the realization part). I want to be playing my marginally slow Sims 2, in my dorm room in South Carolina, dreaming of art boy and his artness. I want to be curled up in my twin size bed, listing to the comings and goings of 20 something year old students too drunk and too loud, while I put my sims to work. I don't want this. Why can't I go back to when my life-i mean the sims-were easier. I said this in my mind as I shut the game off because of it's newness. I'm not ready for all that new, I not ready for all this new.

Is it sad that I am comparing my current resistance to change to a Sims game. Maybe, but it's all to overwhelming. Being 24 soon, not being 23, or 22, or even 21. I have moments where I just want to be that girl again. Is that so wrong. I am starting to think that life is just about getting adjusted to change. Yeah you have the living part, yeah you have the nonliving part, but mainly you spend your whole life just trying to get use to things. And sometimes I feel like that is the only part of life I am living.

But, tomorrow will be different. I can spend the day trying to put together the pieces of my ever changing life. I plan on sleeping in really late, eating really unhealthy frozen food, and dancing. I have about 7 books I also want to read, and maybe the snow outside will inspire me to put a dent in some of them. I may play the sims, get over this fear of it's newness. I'll be 24 soon, a part of me (even if it's just my age ) will be new, and some days I look forward to that when I am not dreading it.

Outside of the Beginning, Middle, and End...It was Perfect

Like Sally Fields accepting an award, I realize that people like me, they 'really like me' and as evidence of this I have been invited to many parties and hang out sessions the last couple of weeks.

But unlike Sally Fields (I think), I have declined all of them, with the exception of grabbing dinner after work with co-workers. I don't know what it is. I know being a bailer is horrible. I know I will go down in history as the lonely girl who avoided semi productive social activities because of anxiety, but i can't help it.

I am a fan of small social gatherings. Get me around 4 people, wine coolers, rock band, and a cheesy movie in the background and I am a hoot. But when you add an extra ten people, alcohol, pot (lots of pot), people not in control of their actions and I'm just not feeling it.


Sorry

There is a girl at work, Lexie, who is a photographer major and part time bookseller. She is from the midwest, and has random tattoos on her body (one below her breast which she was way too happy to show us all). She is a...nice girl, but she talks about herself all the time. She wants us all to know how amazing her life is. She is tall, attractive, and has been to India and Germany. She had a really cool internship at NBC (which she didn't fail to tell us about everyday), and she just doesn't shut up.


I don't know if it's because she is not from new york, but I get the sense that is trying to recreate your classic "I was young and lived in new york once" experience. Because of this, nothing she does is just normal, everything is awesome and we all must be apart of her awesomeness. She along with Evan, another co-worker, have invited me to countless parties the last few weeks. But what they consider fun and what I consider fun are two different things. This Saturday they threw a booksellers party at his house in Greenwich. Though I was invited, I was not lured by the "there will be so much pot and vodka" vibe. So I didn't go, and they gave me the stank face all of Sunday (but that also could have been the hungover face)

Evan even came to me and said "we like, i like you that's why I invited you to my house. Why didn't you come? Damn my head hurts"

I want to have good hang out friends. I Do. When Angie was here, I had so much fun. We went to coffee houses, talked about literature, ate really good food and drove around at night laughing. I like those kind of things. But she isn't here now, and I am trying to build a good network of friends who i want to hang out with. But Evan and Lexie do things that just don't interest me, and though they are really good co-workers I don't consider them friends.

So, when Matt helped me with the computer thing I felt like "hey I could build a good friendship with him". But then I found out he wants to be a writer, from Jenn, and over dinner the other night she said he was the worst writer she has ever come across. He sent her links to his story and asked for some constructive criticism, which she gave but he got all writer defensive and they have been on bad terms since. To sum up the story: a girl meets a boy. they fall in love. the end.

There was no conflict, no tension. Just a boy who meets a girl that he likes, and that he keeps on liking until the end of the story. I asked her if I could have the link to his story, and we promised each other we would never let him know.

And later that night I read the story. And I cried, because it was so fucking bad. And I laughed, because it was so fucking bad. And then as I was nearing the end he popped up on IM. I rarely use instant messaging, i'm not going to lie. But my understanding of IM etiquette is that if you IM a person, you should have something to say.

It was the most awkward 20 minutes in my whole life. He asked me why I didn't come on IM a lot. So I told him. And then he said "oh". And then I waited for him to type something else, but he didn't. So I wrote "i heard you like to write, you writing anything lately?" He immediately took the bait:He loves writing (oh dear god help him), it's his passion (seriously) he wants to pursue it hard core (I am so sorry to hear that). He is writing a zombie story, and I asked him if it was like the Living Dead zombies or 28 days later ones (okay, i know there were no actual zombies in 28 days later. It's one of my favorite movies ever. But you can't deny there zombie like qualities).

The conversation went downhill from there. He went on a 'they aren't zombie tirade' and I was like 'dude it's just a movie chill out'. We then talked about the writing process and he sort of insulted my approach to writing. While it is all kinds of easy for him, I told him that writing is not for me. That depending on the story, my attachment to the characters and what they are going through wears me out because in order for it to be authentic I have to go there with them.

If we would have been talking face to face I think he would have laughed at me. He replied with some snide comment like 'well that's weird.", and that's when I signed off. Crush downgrade. It was so bizarre for him to IM, have nothing to say, get all defensive, then make me all defensive and then say my writing approach is weird. I was tempted to say 'and by the way I read your story and it was pretty bad. good luck with the zombie Apocalypse' But I didn't because I wouldn't.


I want friends.I really do I miss having them. But they are harder to find the older you get. I could go to random drunk parties with co-workers. I could get all kinds of wasted with people I don't like. But I have never wanted that, and I do not want that now. Everyone has an angle, everyone has a flaw, and I see myself just trying to fit myself in some where. To belong with a handful of friends that are all my own.

Why is it so hard? Where are these friends I desperately want, and on some days desperately need.

In A Land Before The Internet

After what seems like 3 months ( 1 and a half I believe) of going to the library, busying myself with crosswords and puzzles, avoiding pervs at various computer stations, and walking around Westchester telling anyone who would listen about my computer problem, I finally have a computer again.

I don't even know what to do with myself I am so happy.

It was a lot harder than I thought. Not because I am a hermit who spends all of her time inside my room, but because I am so use to having access to information at the palm of my hands. I've been watching a lot of Buffy lately, so forgive me for the next analogy, but in season 6 of Buffy (I told you) Willow promises her girlfriend Tara that she can go a week without using magic. She thinks this will be an easy task, until she has to resort to plain old chemistry (test tube, microscope, yadda yadda) to determine if a fast food joints special meat is HUMAN FLESH.

Willow is frustrated by regular science because it lacks the speed of magic. Though she was once the nerdy best friend of Buffy and Xander whose science and research knowledge almost trumped those of Giles, magic has become an easier method. And at the end of the episode she realizes that she can never go back to a time where wizradry was not as part of her life. I guess what I am trying to say is that the few weeks I have spent without the computer reverted me back to a time when I didn't have one. Where the Internet was the thing I used at school, trying to locate a building without google map was not a hard task, and forgetting trivia worthy knowledge meant I would have to ask someone else, instead of using wikipedia.

It's been 1999 for 6 weeks in my room, and though some adjustments were easier than others (instead of playing the sims I finished 5 books) some were not (going to the library every other day).

So when my mom called me on Friday and said that my birthday money (computer money) was in my account, it took me 15 minutes to get dress and I headed to best buy to purchase my first computer on my own. The computer search itself has sucked. Since I was 16 my mom has picked out my computer. A week before my 16th bday, my mom was so excited that she bought me a computer that she couldn't wait until my birthday to tell me about it. She blurted out that she got me a computer the day she bought it, and we set it up that night.

When I entered USC, my fair school, she purchased my first laptop from circuit city I believe. And after that one died, she went to Best Buy where she purchased my now defunct computer. Even though she split half the bill for this computer, the choice was all mine. And knowing this, I went to everyone at work who looked computer savvy for advice. Eventually I settled on the Matt kid because he was patient with all my questions. I cannot begin to tell you how much I like him. Where my attraction to McAbs is purely sexual (his muscles. his tank tops. his blue eyes!), Matt is a good guy. A really good guy.

I haven't had the chance to work with him in the past, but now that he has graduated he is there four days out of the week. He makes me laugh, he also has really nice eyes, and helped me majorly with the computer thing. But he too has a girlfriend, and I am willing to be just friends with him because he's that great of a guy.

For weeks we've message each other back and forth about my computer. I've sent him links, he has sent me links, and brought me pamphlets at work to look at. By the time friday rolled around, I narrowed my search down to a few promising choices.

But that didn't mean that I knew completely what I wanted. First it was the HP, and then the Gateway, only to hear great things about Toshiba. When I finally made it to Best Buy I was convinced I was getting a Gateway. The reviews on Best Buy were okay, and other sites varied between it being a decent and horrible computer. But it was in my price rage, it had a lot of good specifics, and it was pretty.

But I'm a horrible decision maker, because I hate regret with a passion. So even though I was all 'gateway here I come', i told the sales associate Mike differently. I blurted out that I was nervous about buying a computer, because I had never done so before. That this was a huge investment for me, and that what I want and what I need are two different things.

Let me explain to you this Mike character. He was at least 2 years younger than me, I had just heard him minutes before complaining about working at best buy, he was semi rude to a customer, and his general attractiveness was distracting. So as I was blurting this all to him I kind of expected a 'bitch this isn't therapy, choose a computer and get out of my way". But he didn't say that.To my surprise, Mike spent, god I'm embarrassed by this, 2 hours looking at every computer in the store with me. TWO! I wish I was exaggerating.

He played good cop/bad cop very well. He let me ramble, he rambled, he suggested, I suggested, he turned down those suggestions, I pouted because the HP is cute, he gave me 15 minutes to think by myself, he waited in the corner, when I returned and said I wanted the Gateway he nearly smacked me in the face and replied "have you been listening to anything I've said", i apologized, he apologized, he gave me another ten, he smiled when I narrowed it down to three computers that fit my needs, he called his friend over to examine my choices, and after 2 hours I decided on a DELL!

Who knew. At the end of it all, Mike said I was the best customer he has ever had, I thanked him for his patience, and look at me me now, a whole week until my birthday and I have a new computer. It's nice. I love it. It's a lot smaller than my other computer (a good thing) and I have been catching up with my computer absence all weekend.

Of course, I am as broke as possibly can be. The computer itself was only $549.00 but that damn warranty killed it for me. But hey, I have a computer. And not having to sit next to guys looking at porn is plus. And more blogging, writing, and of course applying for jobs. I had to pay to put my loans in forbearance again, but that gives me another three months to apply my ass off. I need a job and one quick. I've been at the bookstore a year too long, and I am ready to move on.

In a week I turn 24. I am freaked out about this, and nervous. I don't know where the time went, or how I can get it back but 24 is here and I feel every bit the girl in her 20's. I am conflicted about life, and men, and jobs (or my lack of one). I don't have control over my social life, or anxiety, and some days I want to go home to my room in south carolina, under the covers in my huge bed and hide until my real life begins.

But I can't. So I won't. And on my 24th birthday I hope I get some sweet revelation about my life. I'm in need of one. I do plan on seeing dinosaurs on my bday. I haven't been to a museum since I moved here, and dinosaurs have been flooding my dreams.

Anyway, I'm glad to be back. I missed this space.

Homecoming...

Guess who got a Dell today!

The end.

Seriously, Can Someone Do This For Me....

With help from my new crush, I am narrowing down my computer search.

Everyone at work seems to have an opinion about me and my new computer. Get one that will be able to play all of your sim games. Have one that you can use for your upcoming production career. Get a Mac.

My head has been bombarded with computer related jargon, and I just don't get any of it. I hate making decisions, and outside of choosing what college I would apply to when I was in high school, this decision has been incredibly hard.

But when I thought I was drowning in computer buying hell, a new and promising friend came to the rescue. His name is Matt. He works in the music department. I may kind of have a major crush on him. Sue me.

He usually works at the bookstore during holiday breaks (he went to school in another state) but after graduating last semester he has been working at the store full time. Everyone has always said great things about him. He's the best. He's so nice and caring. He will do anything for a friend. But I wasn't completely sold on him. I mean outside of saying Hi to me our conversations have been few to none.

But with him being there more often, I realize that everyone was right and Matt is awesome. And by awesome I mean he is amazing. He entertains me with silly faces and embarrassing impressions (yes, I am 23. But damn it all to hell, I crack up when someone does something silly faces) and in regards to my computer thing he has helped me narrow it down based on my needs. MY needs! Can I date this guy already or what. Too bad he has that girlfriend and all.

Anyway, the last week we have been going over what I need from a computer and what computer will satisfy that. He told me the HP will break up with me after a year, and that Macs are overrated. Dells are pretty reliable (where have I heard that before) and that sonys are all right but it's a pretty penny. He then introduced me to Gateway computers, who I have avoided all these years because of their stupid cow logo. But after some research, the gateway has potential. Outside of a few issues, it could be the computer of my dreams.

So i told him about this. And he said "we can run over the specifics together, before you buy it". Run over the specifics together. Damn, why does he have to have a girlfriend. I am fun, and cute, and though my silly faces are not as good as his I can crack jokes like no one else.

This week has been shit. But where it has been good, it has been really good. Like Matt. And by next week (or tomorrow if I'm real luck), I will own a computer. Thank God!

I'm heading to best buy right now, where I will no doubt ask stupid questions to all the employees.

Wish me luck!

Not A Great Start to the Week

It snowed here. Something awful. And the last couple of days have been rough.

Work is beginning to suck something major. And I have one manager to blame. We have a new manager at the store with the same name as the last manager. But that is where the similarities come to an end. On the surface she is very nice, polite, and dare I say friendly. But that is about 15% of her personality. The rest of the time she is pushing people around, not managing us well, and two days ago she yelled at me because of something incredibly stupid.

I am a very defensive person. I don't know what it is. Maybe I was suppose to be a lawyer. But even if I am dead wrong, I will defend my actions or at least give a reason as to why I acted a certain way. But when I am right, and sometimes I just so happen to be, the defensive thing goes to a whole new level. I will not only defend my actions, but I will defend anyone else's.

It's a really long story. I'll try to sum it up nicely. After the store closes (around 10) we get an hour to clean it up. Each person is assigned a zone (our store has 4, not including kids), and is accountable for that zone. We were short staffed the whole day. Nice Matt was there, along with me and a girl I have become friends with name Melissa. That's 3 bookfloor closers, a music closer, and 2 people in cafe. It's a small crew considering how big the store is.

Anyway, this week all the schools are closed and because of this teenagers are tearing the store up. Looking at the nudie books, destroying manga, hanging out in the kids department, and fucking eh- the magazines department was a mess.

We had a long night ahead of us, but instead of letting us get started on cleaning the store Evil Manager decided to have us ALL watch a 20 minute video on the new e-reader product we are selling. We all had to watch it at one point, but they usually assign us a project hour for that. I guess she wanted to get as much people to watch it in one night as she could, so she would look like the awesome manager in the morning.

We all began complaining that maybe we should hold off on the video because the store was a mess, and it would cost us a good 20 minutes. But she didn't care. Of course 20 minutes later the video ended and we went off to our zones. I had to clean kids, and zones 2/3. It took me 30 minutes, and then I started working on resort.

This is when the bitch went crazy. She realized then that no one had touched magazines all night. But at that point it was already 11pm. She assigned me to go over there and do as much as I could. But there were two full carts of magazines, plus a basket. Melissa and I attempted to put the mags away (half of one cart), but then 10 minutes later EVIL manager told the store that we would be out of there in five minutes. So I started putting the rest of the magazines on a cart to clean up the mess that we weren't able to get through. I dragged the carts in the back, parked them near the newstand station and started heading back to customer service.

Evil manager stopped me in the aisle and was like "what happened to five minutes" I looked at her like she was insane and said "i put the mags on a cart and spent those five minutes dragging them back here, so that Lisa would be able to see what we couldn't finish"

She then proceeded to yell at me because that is not what she told me to do. She wanted me to finish newstand in five minutes, or leave it a mess for the newstand lady in the morning. At this point a crowd surrounded. Matt lingered, Melissa listened closely, the music guy looked away. She said she was very upset about the whole newstand thing, and that she was bothered by my lack of follow through. I, being defensive, asked her if she wanted me to drag the cart back out there so that I could put two magazines away only to have to drag the cart back. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said it like that, but what the hell lady.

This set her off, and she then proceeded to follow me around the break room while I was putting the phones away to remind me that the store was not cleaned yet, and that we would not leave until she was finished. So I asked her 'finished in your five minutes, or the regular ones'. And then I walked away.

It was embarrassing, and awful and unfortunately not the first time I have been her punching bag. She just had a baby, her mother has cancer, she is new there but that doesn't give her the right to use me as her target. I was pissed. I am still pissed, and I was minutes away from doing something irrational.

But I didn't. And now here I am at the library writing about it , because I still dont have a computer. Oh life, whenever you want to start I'll be here waiting for you.

I hope that by the end of this week, or the beginning of next I will have a new computer. More blogging, youtube, and sending out applications like crazy. I debate living here everyday, like maybe this isn't the place where I will become somebody. Who says it has to be new york? My application search will be nationwide!

Sorry about the lack of posts again. Soon I will be a functioning computer having person again. AND I will be 24! Can you believe it. March 1st is approaching. I'm obsessed with dinosaurs lately, so I am planning a geeky trip to a museum that day.

Until my next post,

Becks

Running Around...

This weekend it didn't snow. I am very disappointed by this especially since the mid-Atlantic states can't seem to get enough of it these last days. How we (NY) missed this snow storm is beyond me. There is a rumor that if it snows while you are at work and the store has to close you still get paid for showing up. I mean paid as if you have been there all day. I was slightly hoping this would be the case on Saturday. The weatherman said it would happen. People at work were throwing around how many inches we would receive. And on the day in question, I woke up expecting something. An inch or two. We got nothing. Damn

I am pulling myself out of this stupor I have created. I have no choice but to. There comes a point when you realize the only person who can really help you is well...you.

I took a much needed day to myself yesterday. I slept in very late, I read a book I have been meaning to read for ages, I had oatmeal at night and I even watched football and cursed. The last activity was on a whim. I'm not a huge sports fan but everyone needs to watch guys charge each other in stimulated battle every once in a while. right? But a day to myself may have done the trick, I feel prepared to take on the world this week.

My computer hunt is going well. I went over to my friends house (Toaster) this Friday and along with some help from his girlfriend, I am starting to make some sound decisions on what computer I should invest in. Like yeah, maybe HP's are all kinds of pretty. And maybe the reason I want this one has something to do with it looking like a MAC. But if I have to keep sending it away because it crashes on me like something awful, then I have wasted a pretty penny on sir pretty computer.

As I do this computer search, I am beginning to realize that I don't know much about computer brands. I am sort of poking around based on what it looks like, rather than what I will need it for. So yeah, it's time for me to get serious about this. I am checking out all the computer sites, comparing prices, reading reviews analyzing what specs I will need on my new computer. I just got my taxes done (so the IRS doesn''t come beating my door down) and I will get back a nice chunk of money. Enough for me to get something amazing.

Amazing.

I will have to get my hard drive backed up so that I don't lose any important files on my computer. McAb's friend and co-worker of ours (Stev) agreed to do it for free. He was suppose to come over Friday night to pick up my computer but I put a halt to that plan after I got some very interesting feedback on him and his computer skills...

Friday I spent the whole day at Toasters house playing Playstation 3 and watching infommericals involving very expensive saws. It was kind of weird to hang out with him outside of work. Like I am use to there being a buffer. One that involves us chilling at the cash register or having lunch in the break room. This was different. I woke up really early to meet his girlfriend at the train station and then we headed to their place located in some town that resembled something you'd read out of a Stephen king novel.

I had Indian food, played BurnOut horribly and then watched a two hour episode of smallville. I think he was just glad I showed up (you know because of my whole bailing thing) and I was glad to be there. I'm not good at showing up for things. I think I am most afraid that outside of work people won't find me interesting or worse that they will never want to hang out with me again. But Friday was successful. We talked, laughed, and gossiped especially about work. The moment I mentioned that Stev (hard drive guy) was going to back up my files, everyone in the room groaned. Of course I wanted to know why they made that noise and they proceeded to tell me that he is the most horrible computer guy ever.

Apparently he never gives your computer back. He just keeps it, taking parts from it for his own use. And he will find a way to mess something as simple as backing up a hard drive up. At first I thought they were exaggerating but Toaster said he hasn't seen his old computer in months. A computer Stev was suppose to help fix.

So I texted Stev and told him that I had to cancel on him and McAbs (who was suppose to drive Stev over) stopping by to get my computer. The next day I ran into McAbs at work and he was kind of mad at me the whole night. When I went up to him, he said "so what the hell was up with last night. Stev and I were planning to head over and you kind of bailed'. I told him that I took it to best buy (lie) because I felt more comfortable them backing my crap up (not a lie). I mean if Stev mishandles the hard drive or worse never gives it back I am out of 3 years worth of pictures, stories, and music.

Then McAbs said something weird: "don't lie, you were afraid we were going to look at your files".


No Mcabs I wasn't. Seriously the thought never crossed my mind, until he mentioned it. And why did he say 'we'. I kind of thought Stev would be the only one to have access to my things. But the moment he said that I realized that was a strong possibility. And though I don't have anything incriminating on it, my whole life is there and I don't want them having access to it. I'm weird I know, but I've decided to get it back up else where even if I have to pay. I can't have McAbs reading any of my stories, or seeing pictures of me and my family.

Anyway.

So yeah, I'm feeling better. I did a lot of writing yesterday and I just have to do some errands before heading home.

I want to write some more but the guy next to me is totally looking at some Internet PORN. It is making me uncomfortable and I wish I could tell on him. I mean come on in the library. Aren't there basements or houses or I don't know, places where I AM NOT sitting for YOU (mister) to watch porn. I feel queasy. I'll try to write a proper post sometime this week.

Until then

'Don't Bail on Me'

I picked up my now non functioning computer from best buy today. That went well.

I didn't run into Peter who consoled me on the phone. This time it was Pedro. Just as nice but not as sweet as Pete. The Geek Squaders do there job well. They are all nerdy techy guys who hate when they run into problems they can't fix. After I explained to Pedro what Peter said on the phone, Pedro said he would take another look at it for me.

For a brief moment I thought he would be able to fix my computer. He kept making those noises one makes when they think they have stumbled on a great discovery. I started to get happy. Damn it I was even getting optimistic. I tucked my debit card back in my pocket for a moment, convinced that Pedro was on the brink of figuring it all out.

But he didn't. He suggested the same thing Peter did and I spent the better half of my time there looking at computers. I am convinced that the HP is the one for me. And not because it is cute and pretty (ok, that may be a reason). But I like what it offers, and dammit, it is cute and pretty and almost looks like a Mac except that it isn't. I am not too thrilled with having to change from XP to Windows 7, but what the hell. At this point the computer will cost around 640.00, not including the warranty. And I may have to get a new damn Anti-virus program because Norton didn't do shit.

Oh, the pains of being older.

I am beginning to think that I am secretly living the life of a 90's sitcom. Where everything bad (though funny) happens to your lovable protagonist. Case in point: The roof in my new pad is shitty. Last week it rained and the ceiling in my landlady's room started leaking. My room was rain free, but still, leaky roofs are not cool. We have had construction people (men) in our house for about 5 days, hacking away at the roof, appearing in front of windows, or more importantly appearing in front of bathroom windows as a certain lovable protagonist was peeing. What?!?! It was the morning, I had to go. I did not notice the construction guy when I sat down. It was only when I realized that there was drilling coming from outside the window that I knew that I was bare assed in front of a stranger. And damn it all to hell, there he was, standing on the roof inches away from me and my pee. I don't know if he saw me, but I have enough of this renovation. enough of it.

And on top of that I have been dubbed a "bailer" at work. Let me explain. I believe that I am a fun person. I laugh a lot. I am spontaneous. And generally a great person to be around. But I am not a fan of hanging out. I don't do plans well. I just like them to happen, and with the people I want them to happen with. When Angie was here, I hung out with her all the time. But she was easy to be around. I didn't feel like anything was forced with her. She liked to have random late night drives around Westchester. She liked waffle houses and feminist literature. She didn't mind going back to her place and just talking. I like those kind of hang out sessions.

But recently as my social life has made a turn upward. I have been requested to hang out by several people. Work people who are slowly becoming friends. But I have in some way or another managed to bail out of this. I get 'sick' or 'my computer dies' or 'i'm snowed in by imaginary snow'. You know the usual.

But recently the people I have bailed on are making a fuss of this. Do I even exist outside of work? Do I not like them? What's going on? Josh, pulled me to the side one day (as your classic sitcom 'guy who knows everything' type) and told me that 'bailers are like the worst. Because you know what happens to them. No one asks them to hang out anymore'.

It's true. Hanging out frightens me. If I can avoid it I will. But I figure with all this free time I have, I minus will try to strengthen my social life. So I don't feel so disconnected. I wonder if this is episode 34 of my life. I just need to come up with a show title at this point. Because the only thing preventing me from crying is laughter. My life is becoming absurd. I get caught on the toilet, I have discussions about bailers to a guy who dressed up like a character from Zelda for Halloween, I cry on the phone to a Geek Squader. Who I then proceed to crush on for the rest of the afternoon because his voice was nice. AND do we need to mention my obsession with McAbs. The day before, he wore a tight white shirt and apart of me died inside. Hardcore.

I need to write a pilot of my life, right now. If those Jersey Shore kids (grown ass adults) can do it, than why can't I. I'm interesting? I'm lovable. I've encountered enough material to warrant some interest.

Yes, this is my life and I hope it get betters. I hope I can find the computer, job, boy, and city of my dreams before 25. I'm still hoping Australia will take me, if this all doesn't work out.

Yeah. Australia.

Time to get out of the library. Tech guy from work is going to back up my hard drive this friday, and maybe (maybe) get the damn thing to run. Maybe.

Real Bad News

Yesterday at work I got a very 'concerned' message from a geek squad guy.

I have been dealing with computer problems since January, and after the last fiasco ('jay z is da shit'), I thought Best Buy would quickly resolve the issue with their amazingly hot geek squad team.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was taking my break when I noticed that someone from a new york area code phoned me about 5 times. I started to worry. Maybe something happen to my dad. Maybe something happened to Michelle. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. When I listened to the message, a man introduced himself as a geek squad agent and that he had encountered some serious problems when running the diagnostic test. He sounded serious and concerned. Which is something you do not expect from a geek squader.

I called best buy back immediately. What happened to this being a simple software problem. what happen to it being a (not so) simple hard drive problem. When I got on the phone with an agent she put me on hold and got me in touch with the agent who tried to repair my computer.

His name was Peter. He had a soft voice. He said that when he ran the diagnostic test my computer crashed. Hardcore. So he ran another one. A stronger one. And guess what, my computer not only annihilated that test but it went into a coma (she won't turn on). He wanted to talk to me about my options. But they are few. It appears to be the motherboard. But because my computer has shut down completely he can't even be sure about that. I can either have them ship it off to who knows where, where they will be able to fix the problem for a ridiculous price OR I need to invest in getting a new computer. He was nice and calm. I cried on the phone. He apologized and offered his condolences, but they did all they could do.

Now I have no idea what to do. I cannot invest anymore money into a computer that after 4 years just isn't worth it to be honest. But how can I afford a new computer. I could buy a really cheap one but how long will that last. I hate being an adult.

In a month I will be 24 years old. This is frightening because at 24 I work retail, live in a room, and can't afford basic necessities (okay that's a stretch but I am very emotional today). I don't know where the time went or why it went, or why I can't just get all of it back. I want to get all of it back, I hate where I am at in my life right now. When I was younger, you can bet that I didn't think 24 would look like this. If it had I would have found a way to prevent growing up.

It's not even the computer issue itself. My mom couldn't understand why I was so sad on the phone later that night. She assured me that this was not a huge issue, she gave me the 'you have your health and life' conversation. But I just feel bad that she continues to support my impulsive move to New York, and subsequent setbacks that i have to go to her to resolve. And though I know that a computer will be coming my way in a few short weeks (I sort of want an HP, any suggestions?) I hate feeling like this dream....this thing I set out to do is falling through. And that I am not only disappointing her, but myself in some weird way.

So yeah. The library will be my friend for a while. I'll just have to get use to writing here. And the weird smells. Hey, i'm starting to feel that optimism thing again...

In other news. After I spent my break crying to Peter and my mom I had to get back to work. Because I need the money to afford living. As I was heading to customer service I seriously got accosted by a customer.

I have 18 minutes to explain.... So I was at customer service when a guy came up to me and asked me for an application. I told him that we aren't really hiring but that if he filled one out the managers would hold onto it for a year. I thought after I said that he would go away. You know, because he had his application in his hand. But he sort of lingered around. Asking me questions sort of related to the job and myself.

He was creepy. Beyond creepy and I made a quick exit. But he followed me throughout the store asking me to help him with his application. I told him that I didn't have the time to do that because I had to help customers looking to buy books. He seemed offended but then went away. He came back 5 minutes later to ask me about a specific question on the application. But he didn't want to ask me in front of the other customers. He wanted me to come in the corner near the children's department. Sure red flags were waving, but even with all his creepiness, I felt safe in the store at least with a guard at each end of the store and customers inches away.

So I went in the corner. It was there that he asked me for my name and phone number followed by a question about how old I was. He seemed disappointed at my age and then proceeded to do the whole creepy guy thing. I managed to walk away before he fondled any parts of the boob but I felt nervous and scared.

Turns out, after I disappeared from him he went to customer service and asked my manager for my name and the hours that I work. She of course, told him that information like that cannot be given out. He then came up to the cash register where I was and tried to get my attention but I made a bee-line for an aisle, where McAbs was cleaning something.

Jeepers. I have had my fair share of creepy guys but this guy was in another league. I am thinking about taking up some kick boxing class. Combined with how much Buffy the Vampire Slayer I have been watching lately, I feel like maybe I do have to empower myself. Especially because I give off the defenseless vibe.

I told McAbs about the incident, and at first he laughed. But then when he drove me home that night he was like "dude next time, just come and get me. I'll kick his fucking teeth in.' I've never heard such sweet words come out of someone that hot.

Damn him and his muscles.

So yeah, I have ten minutes remaining. This sucks. I will try to get here more often and suck up my aversion to the library. And the smell. I miss this place.

Until Then,

Becks

PS. Snail Mail to be sent out shortly.

Service Order

Best Buy and I are getting to be really good friends.



Today I handed my very sick computer to a geek squad guy who looked like David Byrne. No lie. When he signed the service order D.B, I couldn't help but smile. What if a talking heads member (one of the most influential, I may add) were working on my computer. That to me is worth more than getting it fixed. Okay not really, but it would be funny.



Anyway, back to the computer thing.



It's been a week sans computer and I am surprisingly hanging in there. So yeah, it feels like 1999. When I was 13, and my idea of ever owning a computer was slim. But I am dealing. I have no choice but to. Without the computer I am getting acquainted with things I ditched once I got one. I finished a book. I completed a jigsaw puzzle, I wrote snail mail. SNAIL MAIL.



Because most of my hours are spent on the interweb, I have forgotten how many hours are in a day, and more importantly what I can get done in those hours that for now do not include youtube.



Everyone at work attempted to give me computer advice. EVERYONE. And I listened, nodded my head, patted some backs and praised their techiness. But I must admit, I am not a techy girl. I know your basic 101 skills but then everything else is like rocket science. So even though I heard a million suggestions I had no idea what those suggestions meant.



Josh said he could fix my computer, followed by a guy named Mike who said he could fix it even better than Josh could ever fix it. This was then followed by a ten minute tech conversation about drivers(?) and software and who knew what. I stood there, listening, nodding, and then dreaming of Australia.



In the end, I took it to Best Buy. Yeah it's going to cost me a million bucks. But hey David Byrne is working on my computer and he said it is definitely not the hard drive. Thank God.



Until then, I am stuck at the library again. I miss using the computer in the privacy of my own home.



With all this time on my hand I want to incorporate some more not so computer related activities into my life. 'David' said it would take 7-10 to run a diagnostic and then another 3 to fix whatever the hell is wrong with my computer. So I will be without a working comp for at least 2 weeks. 2 weeks.

Some of you, should expect snail mail. I'm bored.



God this library smells weird. I am all claustrophobic here. I tried to get here earlier (to avoid the crowd) but I had to walk all the way from Best Buy to get here, and that took me about an hour. The library is like some weird comical place where everyone who doesn't have a computer come to converge for an hour out of that day.

I feel, at this moment, as I listen to the best damn french soundtrack in the world, as if I am in a black and white movie. You know the ones that are silent and you see the actor do something, followed by their dialogue written on some cardboard paper. People file into use these things like roaches, and when they are not too busy staring at the computer, realizing it is something man has actually manage to create, they type slow. One finger at a time.

I must get out of here. I will probably get some books. Get some envelopes and start writing. I am really interested in this snail mail thing. I haven't done it actively since I was 14. I use to write (and receive) letters to my childhood friend Linda when I was in middle school. I use to get so excited when I received her letters in the mail.

When I moved to south carolina I always felt like a stranger to my past. I didn't live there anymore, and for some reason I felt like traces of me no longer existed there. But when I use to write her, it was like a reminder in a way that I had once had this life there. With her. In that time. In that age.

Who knows. Maybe i'm being all nostalgic for no reason. But because I don't have a computer I feel like I don't have access to well...to this place which I am attached to.

My time is winding down at the computer. Damn. I'll try to have a more cohesive post next time. I have boy news. Yeah, seriously. Okay by news I mean, there was this boy that I met when I was in south carolina for the summer (so I didn't write about that one. my bad). I bought records from him. He is cute and nerdy, and wears glasses. Anyway, he asked about the other day when my mom stopped into the store without me. My mom said he didn't even wait to say hello to her first, he just sort of blurted out that he hadn't seen me in a while and didn't know how to get in contact. He missed seeing me at the store. WHAT THE FUDGE. He couldn't have said this when I was home.

More on that later. Well, some idiot doesn't have her headphones on the computer. People are giving her the stank face. Me including. I hate this place. Somebody save me. Time to get out of here. The smell is nauseating.

Jay Z ruins everything!

My computer has official died. Or kind of died. Or more aptly, the software has crashed (at this point I hope it is just that). I noticed last week that my USB port was not working on my computer. This only became noticeable when I tried to transfer new songs onto my ipod. At first I thought it was the cord itself. I have had problems in the past with usb wires.

But my math lessons from school paid off. Or maybe that's science lessons. Instead of buying a new usb cord I tried to use the usb port with another device (printer). The same message popped up. That the device could not be located on my computer. I put two and two together that it wasn't the cord it was the port itself. Frustration bound I called best buy, who of course told me that I would have to come in and get a diagnostic test on the computer before they could do anything.

I nixed that idea and instead called Compaq (my computer brand) to better understand the issue. The number that I found (before my computer completely crashed) directed me to a company called IYOGI. I have never heard of this company before. But all of the IT questions located on the Compaq site leaded me there. The first time I called, the sales person blamed my USB problem on me, and then insured me that if I paid him 139.99 that he would fix the problem I had created for myself. I told him, I'd call him back in an hour. I never did.

But then on Friday, my computer completely froze as I was listening to a Dixie Chicks song. I blame you Natalie Maines! I immediately shut my computer down the illegal way, and then tried to restart it. But I got nothing. I mean absolutely nothing. My computer went from working to not working in a matter of seconds. I paced. I wanted to cry. I paced again. I realized I had no pants on and then paced again. I didn't go to sleep that night. I watched my lifeless computer the whole night wondering how I was (am) going to pay to get it fixed.

The next day I called best buy, asked them my computer issue and then decided I would go to them. Yes, it is going to cost me 69.95 to get a diagnostic test and another 129.00 to restart XP (if that is the case) but what am I suppose to do, pay 139.99 for IYOGI to fix it ? Wait. This would be the cheaper alternative. This would save me money. And IYOGI is for a whole year, so if I ever encounter a software related problem I can call them. YEAH!

That's what I thought when I called them up Saturday night. I talked to an okay sales associate who ensured me that I was making the right decision. As he was processing my debit card information, he asked me about my email address. He said it was an interesting name and then I said it was from a band. As I was waiting for him to take the money out of my account he kept asking me information outside of computer related stuff. This made me nervous for some reason.

I still do not know if he was trying to be friendly or what but the moment he started going on a tangent about music I started to get concerned. Who the fuck was I talking to. Where they even a legit company. I didn't have Internet access to check them out, and why was he so interested in talking about Guns N Roses. Not that I am not a fan or anything, but dammit it all to hell if I am forking over 140 bucks to someone I don't know, I want them to kind of be professional. PROFESSIONAL!

The nail in the coffin came when he started talking about Jay-Z, an artist I have no issues with. I have danced to some of his songs myself in my room, but when the guy on the other end said "Jay-Z. Yeah he is the shit!", red flags started raising. I have never had this feeling before. My stomach dropped. For the first time ever, I felt real fear. Maybe I wasn't talking to who I thought I was talking to. I did find this number off the Internet. Maybe the whole thing is a scam and I have just willingly given a person I don't know all of my debit card information. A person who says "Jay-Z" is the shit to a customer.

He knew he made a mistake because then he returned to regular sales person voice. But by then I was all kinds of freaked out, and told him I didn't want to purchase the year insurance to fix my computer. But I got this response from him: "but Beckett, I'm sorry. I've already taken the money out. Too late!". I started freaking out, I hung up the phone and began to dial bank of America, for them to freeze my account. But the moment I hit the number pad on my phone, the phone rang like something out of a scary movie. 'Why did you hang up the phone' the voice yells back at me. Yells!

"Who the hell are you people!" I yell back, repeating that he just said Jay-Z was the shit. Before he can utter another word I say "your supervisor. NOW!". He transfers me to a manager who seems pretty appalled by the agents un-professionalism and ensures me that this will never happen again. But I am livid. I feel violated. And I want my motherfucking money back.

Of course, I then spent the next 2 days! on the phone with these people, explaining why I want my money back. The answers ranged from 'we don't give refunds' to 'call this number'. I was on hold a total of 12 hours, spoke to about 12 people, and cursed out 2 managers.

Today I woke up and my money is back in my account. I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was. I have won the battle! I am all bruised and worn out, but dammit I have my money back. But my computer still doesn't work and taking it to best buy is going to cost me a pretty penny. A pretty penny. I can't afford this. I have rent to pay, and this week is another 3 days of work. Now it's time to beg my mom to help me out with this. Yeah, I'm working the mom angle on this one.

If it is the software it will cost me 129.00, if it is the hard drive (please don't let it be that), it will cost me 80+50+129.00 dollars. which is 2X the amount I want to pay. Please be the software, purty please.

I will be away from the computer for awhile. I hate coming to the library. But will try to at least until my computer works. Fingers crossed. I'll need it.

Yeah, Well You're Pissing Me Off Too!

There is some upcoming drama in the air. Yikes.



I no longer have a crush on McAbs. There are several reasons this crush thing fizzled out. 1) He has a girlfriend. I know this has not stopped me before (from crushing, nothing more) but for some reason this has deterred me from him. 2) He's domineering and aggressive. Which is all good in those trashy romance books I read, but in real life, it can be annoying and dumb. 3) out of crushing on him, he is a guy of a million promises and no follow through. He has offered me rides home in the past weeks and then gone back on his words. That microwave he said he could get me, well that didn't pan out. He said he had to give it to someone else.

And then....Sunday he asked me if I wanted a cat. McAbs is huge on cats. I think he likes them more than I do. He is a Leo, and he takes that astrological sign to heart if he knows it or not. I have seen him in the presence of feline friends and he dissolves from being McAbs to something else. He is patient and soothing as he calls the animal towards him, and before you know it there the stray comes, tentative and lost, but towards him as if she knows he will take care of her. It was the most bizarre (and hot) thing I have ever seen.

So I was flattered when he came to me with a cat dilemma. Seems like his sister got a stray a couple of weeks ago. The cat is gentle and sweet and couldn't hurt a fly. Well it could but only because it's a cat. Unfortunately she cannot keep the cat, and McAbs can't keep it but he doesn't want the cat to go to a shelter. He knew that I was a previous cat owner and that he's 'known me for nine months' and that I couldn't hurt a fly. I mean I could but only because I don't like bugs.

He was on his knees (cleaning something) and I was standing above him, dreaming of his abs and muscles. He came to me because I am good with pets. And I am a good person. And I could name him jack like my favorite person in the whole entire world. I told him that I would have to think about it. I mean I just moved into a new place which isn't entirely my own. I can't afford a cat. I barely can afford to feed myself. But I would see if my landlady (who has cats) would want another in the litter.

'i'm not giving her the cat. I want you to have it. What do you say?". I'm a girl, his muscles distracted me. I didn't say no, but I sure as hell didn't say yes. I had to think it over, because I do want a cat. But can I afford one now? Would the landlady agree to have another cat in her home? Where would the cat sleep? Eat? Do it's cat business?

By the time I got home, I concluded that though I would love to have a cat, I can't have one now. I am in no position to take care of another living being. When I get a cat. I want it to be able to have space to roam, and sleep, and do it's cat things. I don't want to have it secluded to one room.

The next day I told the janitor that I couldn't have a cat. My landlady already has three, I live in a room, and it just wouldn't work. I sort of swung the landlady angle a lot more than my own 'I'm broke' truth. He asked if he could talk to the landlady about the cat. I told him it wouldn't do him any good because she speaks a little English. He asked me about her native language. And when I say Portuguese his face lights up. His sisters husband is Portuguese (great) and he can talk to her (even better). I say I don't know. I mean I still can't have a cat. I'm broke. broke. but he doesn't hear this or doesn't want to.

A couple of days ago he sent me a text about the cat situation. That I should call him ASAP. But I was out. I was having an okay social time with a friend. I didn't want to drop what I was doing, call him to talk about a cat I don't want. So I didn't call back. And I haven't heard from him since.

We work together on Saturday and I know he is going to be pissed. I have the scene in my head. He is going to come in on Saturday, give me a piss face, and then display his anger out on me until I go home. He is expecting me to fell sorry or guilty or worse. But you know what he should have never put me inn that position. I never said I wanted that cat. I said I wanted A cat in the near future. But not today. And maybe I wasn't clear about that, but I asserted the whole "i live in a room. One room. In a house. How could I take care of a cat"

I needed a microwave. I needed a ride home that night it was pouring outside. I don't need a cat. Sure I want one. I would love to have one. But right now, it was the dumbest thing I could do (outside of having a crush on a dude because he has nice muscles). And I sort of want him to be all pissy with me on Saturday (away from the managers of course) because you know what I am going to be pissy back. He shouldn't have made me Joan of the Cats. He shouldn't have expected me to pull him out of a jam, especially if that could jeopardize my current living situation.

I am not looking forward to Saturday. He thinks he has me all figured and maybe he does. But I won't let him make me feel like the wrongdoer in this. I just have to remember this on Saturday, when he pulls me aside to talk.

'Everything Was'

MixCd Extravaganza has unfortunately come to an end. I received my last cd's this Monday and I have been over the moon since.



I must admit, I have been waiting for this one most of all. Frogboots has been with from the very beginning. Since I admitted my bouts with depression, fell in and out of love with Art Boy, had to deal with crazy Katherine and her 'worst friend in the world' status, when I changed my major (several times), when I started therapy and toyed with the idea of prescription drugs, when Danny died....



This blog has been a place of refuge for the last four years. Hence the whole unwillingness to break the fourth wall. I talk (and will continue to talk) about every aspect of my life here. I didn't intended to do this, but it happened, and it kept happening and here we are today...



Once again this mixcd thing was just suppose to be fun. A way to say thanks, or hi, or maybe to break the fourth wall down a little. But I never expected the cd's that I received. They are all very personal, intimate and I hear all of your voices in them. Every cd that I received I opened with care, and then ripped the cd jacket open to get a sneak peek into yours lives. Into what you listen to, or what you knew I would like.



And then on Monday, I heard that sound again. Of a package being dropped off in front of me room. I waited a few minutes, dumped my book on the floor and held the package in my hand for a while. A long while.



I snapped a picture of the contents with my camera, and then tore into my suprise. There were two cd's, two playlists wrapped in tissue paper, and a note with my name. How I love me some notes. Especially ones that come from a sincere place.



Both cd's are distinct. One is filled with songs of wonder, excitement, optimism. The other one is quieter. The songs are delicate, soft, and filled with a tinge of optimism. I can't help but think that each song represents the four years of 'everything was'. Of our friendship.



I made sure to listen to each track closely. I didn't want to miss a thing. Not one. I wanted to make sure I was hearing what R.E.M was saying, and Jeff Buckley, and the cast from Glee. I wanted to hear it all, so that I could hear her and dammit all to hell Frogboots I got all weepy. Especially here:

'I have seen you in various stages of undress.I have seen you through various states of madness.I have seen your refractions and I did not recognize you.I have seen you in various states of madness'.


I don't have a lot of friends. I have people that I hang out with, I have people that I want to hang out with, and then I have people who know who I am. And there aren't too many of those.


You are one of my dearest friends. You know me better than Marie at this point. I don't know how you did it, but the songs are lovely. They are raw and unflinching and painfully honest. They are me. Every last note. And I think they are you. Every last note.


Thank you. Thank You. Thank You. I don't know how you did it. How you knew. But thank you. I adore you. Thank you.

And again thank you Mary Poppins, who introduced me to some awesome Canadian bands! And who has me addicted to that damn Bon Iver song.

And to Jon. Jon, whose cd's I listen to on a regular basis. The songs have lodged themselves in my head and every time I listen to a track it means something completely different than it did before. By itunes count, I have listened to 'One Time Too Many' 41 times. Damn. I literally love everyone song.

I don't think my cd's did justice in comparison. But I hope they moved you in some way. I hope.

Thank you.

.

perfection.

You Can't Use Me.

Last night I let a co-worker spend the night in my room.

It's not what you thing. I did not succumb to McAbs muscles and take him to bed. I am not like that. Though today I did find out that he wants to be a firefighter, which raised his hotness factor to about an 11. Oh, those arms were made for putting out fires. damn.

Anyway. Remember the whole, hanging out with that girl from Jenn thing. Yeah? I think that might have been a mistake. I am a very nice girl. Most people mistake my niceness for gullibility because: I'm 'from' the south, I'm a little naive, I laugh a lot, and I try to get along with people. For some reason this smells of 'doormat', and I have spent a lifetime running into and avoiding people who want to take advantage of me.

Because of this, I go into relationships hesitantly. I am NOT a people pleaser, but I do like to take care of the people I love. I'm nurturing in that way, sue me. So the other day I get a call from Jenn at 9:30 at night. I think that she is calling because she wants to get drinks or something. But she doesn't.




She is in school and lives in an apartment style dorm. For some reason she assumed her dorm was going to be open during Christmas break. That day at work she came in all excited because she thought she was going to have the apartment all to herself. She made plans to get something to eat, watch a movie, and then lounge. Of course, when she got to her dorm she was shocked to find the whole building locked up. Her dorm was not going to be open during the holidays, she didn't get the memo.



She lives in Brooklyn, but works here in town because she goes to school here. She didn't want to go home because then she wouldn't make any money over the holidays. She thought she could room with another co-worker during the 3 week break. But said co-worker lives with three other people and after a week they were not cool with a free loader in their house. Apparently vegans are very territorial and after a while they were not feeling Jen as a guest in their fabulous apartment who was trying to be affable in order to mask the freeloading.


Said co-worker is a traveler. And she had made plans to spend the last week of her vacation in California. Jenn thought this meant that she could stay in her apartment until she got back. Her vegan roommates were against this, Co-worker was against this, and after pondering this for a while, I am against that plan too. She was given the boot by the friendly vegans, and has spent the better part of the week sleeping on people's couch.

When she called, she wanted to know if she could spend the night in my house (i guess it was my turn). Because you know, I have a place of my 'own' now, a place 'big enough' for two people. She used the excuse 'i feel we are good enough friends for me to ask you'. What could I say? I hate having people in my room. In therapy when I had to draw the house of anxiety, the bedroom was the one place NO ONE was allowed in. The room was located on a floor that only I had access to. And you couldn't get in without direct invitation.

But what was I suppose to do. It's freaking 10 degrees here, and she had a closing and open shift (clopen). I too had a clopen and the idea didn't seem soooo bad because she would just be there to sleep. Right? The whole night I regretted saying yes. But I couldn't make up an excuse after the saying 'yeah why not'.

The actual 'sleepover' was fine and dandy. We got home late, talk about boys, and then passed out to the sound of that damn wind again. When she woke up, she complained that the hard wood floor was uncomfortable (i just moved in!) and that 'co-worker' lived way closer to work than i did.

I was a little annoyed with this, but she left soon after and all was returned to normal. But I think because I let her stay over she believes that she can get me to do other things for her. She works in cafe. She hates the cafe, and we all know it. But she agreed to go up there in light of the managers cross training initiative. Now, she doesn't want to be up there anymore but the managers see no point in bringing her back onto the book floor.

She apparently went to another manager today and complained about being in cafe. The manager said if she could find someone on the book floor to trade places with her than she could get back on the book floor. And guess who she came too because 'we are good enough friends for me to ask you this one favor'. I just stared at her like she was out of her mind. I have made no attempt to EVER train in cafe, and I have only hung out with her twice (including last night).

I may have given her the stank face, I may have told her that there is 'no way in hell' I would ever give up my job on the book floor so she doesn't have to be up there. Then she asked me how sure I was about not being up in cafe. She was like "on a scale from one to te-" But I didn't even let her finish. She was so serious about it, I wanted to stop her before I said something stupid. I believe she had it in her mind that I would agree to change places with her up in cafe. That I could not say no because I am too nice.'You must have gotten the wrong impression' is all I could come up with, but it was marred in snark. Marred in it.

Who does she think she is? I am peeved. So peeved, I want to clean my room of her aura. That ended even before it started. Not to bummed out about that one, but peeved none the less because I believe she tried to manipulate me in order to help herself out.

Adding to the Mix....

I got another mix cd today (thanks MaryPoppins)!

This musical extravaganza turned out amazing. I have been inside all day, reading The Hunger Games ( I took a break. negative utopia tales are daunting. even in the YA genre) and I heard the sound of a package being dropped off in front of my room. Like a twelve year ago, I waited a couple of minutes than ran to get my package.

The package turned out to be a gift. The gift turned out out be a mix cd, with a pretty silver cover and a a cd booklet. But more importantly on the back of the cd is note. A hand written one. I love hand written notes!

I've been listening to the cd ever since (jeff buckley, do I need to say more). My day has been perfect.

As the mixcds roll in, I am completely overwhelmed by everyone's musical taste and the conscious effort to make each cd a unique one.

I'm feeling a little loved here. I must admit. And I love having you all in my ears. Is that a weird sentence. Probably.

I have added cover art to each playlist. For some reason, I have been using Kurt Halsey images for each mixcd. This is the one I used for MaryPoppins. It seemed fitting.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Stop Being Such A...Girl

Marie is planning to visit me in New York sometime in march.

I do not know how I feel about this. She is my best friend in the whole entire world, and I am excited about her coming to New York. I don't think Marie has ever see the northeast. I mean she lived in Florida until she was 6, then moved to South Carolina where she lived until she was 22, and now she lives in north Carolina. She wanted to move to Wisconsin once (seriously I can't even remember that one as a state most times) but she stayed in the south, just because.

I love Marie to death, but she is not every one's cup of tea. She is brash, assertive, and has to be right even when she is wrong. Everyone hated her in high school because she would argue just to argue. In AP English she would take a stance on a subject that everyone was opposed to just because everyone was opposed to it.

By proxy, because she was hated in school, I was hated. No one could understand why we were friends. It was almost like "you are nice, and friendly but why the hell are you hanging out with her...maybe you aren't all nice...too late we hate you to now". Oh, high school.

The last year has been hard for her. Well, by hard I mean she graduated college, moved to north carolina and has no one to talk to. I feel bad for her. I Do. But, when she talks about how lonely she is in north carolina I can't help but want to say 'well,now you know how I felt in school'. This is petty I know, but sometimes she will talk about our relationship in college as if we were as close as were are now. That was not the case. She was dating the boy, and hanging out with her friends, and going on ski trips. I hung out with mike. We ate sandwiches at subway. I went to therapy.

It wasn't the same for me. We talk almost everyday now, but in school we talked once a month, and during those conversations she only talked about her boyfriend, or her amazing friends, or how awesome her school was! She never really asked about how I was doing, and to be honest I never really had the chance to.

So of course, I am less than sympathetic when she talks about being lonely n north carolina. ONLY because she equates loneliness to not having a boyfriend. She is convinced that if she had a guy it would make her situation less...sad. And this is coming from a girl who is the least girly person you would ever meet. Up until she got a boyfriend, everyone (excluding me) thought she was gay, only because people steretyped how she dresses, talks, and behaves (she likes hiking, and football)

And now, she calls me everyday, going on and on about not having a guy to occupy her time. I don't need to go into the demise of her first and only relationship with The Boy. But I think, because this was her first relationship and in all honesty she didn't think she would have one, he consumed her whole life. She got him a job at her job, she got him an apartment downstairs from hers, they had classes together, shared the same friends...it was insane. And when the broke up, he still worked with her, still lived downstairs, still shared the same friends.

It's weird talking to her on the phone, because my wants right now are so different from hers. I would like to have a boy to hang out with too , sometimes I get a case of the 'lonelies' but for the most part I am trying to sort through so many other things those are on the bottom of my list right now.

She called me the other day, with her sad voice, because the only person she knows in north carolina, has a girlfriend now. This was after he tried to befriend her months early and maybe casually date her. She turned him down though, and established a 'friends only' barrier. But now that he has a girlfriend she finds herself wanting to occupy all of his time. "he hasn't called me in two days" "should I call him" "maybe I should need another message".

I was beyond myself with aggravation, and I told her to stop being such a girl. Maybe he's just busy, maybe he is going out with his girlfriend, maybe he just doesn't feel like talking. Maybe she should start doing something about being lonely other than trying to snag some guy who has a girl because she didn't show any interest when he was single. She got really quiet after that. But it's the truth.

I mean one of the only reason she talks to me is because she doesn't have anyone else too. A part of me knows that the moment she aquires this boyfriend or friend I wil be pushed into the back burner again. Just like when we were in school.

She is planning a trip up here in march. But I fear that her real motive for coming is because she wants to inject herself into the small social life I have established here. She wants to meet McAbs, and hang out with Jenn and crap like that. But as with most things, I plan on keeping her as distant from those aspects of my life as possible, not because I want to but just because I have to. In order to establish a fine line between what her friendship means to me but also what the friends I have acquired her mean to me.

If she does decide to come, I imagine it will be a mixture of fun and stress. But she hasn't set any dates yet.

Time to read. I closed last night, and clocked in about six hours of sleep last night. I plan on reading (and maybe finishing) The Hunger Games today, listening to my ipod and eating pringles. I enjoy my life some days.

Days Go By...

I have four days off of work this week. Yikes!



Yesterday, I hung out with a girl from work. We went window shopping, stopped at the supermarket and then hung out at her temporary apartment for a few minutes. Then she came along with me to the library where I added an extra 6 books to the 7 I had at home (I returned those today. I am really addicted to the library).



Today I plan on reading some of those books, lounging in some cute slippers I found and maybe getting some writing down. I have the time to do it. So why not. The part of me that doesn't like all of this time off is worried about my paycheck next week. 3 days aren't much. My manager is an idiot and for the next couple of weeks I will have hours and then not have hours. The part of me that does like all this time off is excited because of the books I get to read, the movies I get to watch, and the sleep I get to have.



I am trying to swing in some more social aspects to my life. I am loner. I have no problem admitting this. I don't like being alone, but dammit if I don't relish in some time by myself. When I don't have to be anyone else but me.



But there comes a point in everyone loner's life, where you worry about being alone. When all you have to look forward to is nothing, because you don't have anyone to share things with. I am still struggling with anxiety. I sometimes feel like it is just in remission and that there will always be the possibility that it will come back hard core.



I am ultra guarded about my life. Or rather, some insecurities about it (and me) that I can't shake. It's weird. I can make friends, I can maintain relationships, but I always feel like I am holding something back from the people who want to know who I am. I only feel like a handful of people have a true sense of who I am (my mom and marie) and despite the positive feedback I get from them about who I am and what I mean to them, I resist being as fully present to other people as much as I am to those two



But currently this is preventing me from making any real connections to the people I come in contact with. Especially the ones who want to get to know me. This particular girl from work has been asking me to hang out for a while. She, Jenn, was the one who invited me to the hotel party for New Years Eve. I didn't go, only because I thought Josh, the one throwing it ,should have invited me. Turns out he did invite me. He asked Jenn who had my number, to ask me to come because we hadn't seen me at work in a while (different shifts) and couldn't ask me in person. But the way she asked me on the phone made it seem like she wanted me to come because she didn't want to go by herself.

The next day he came in to work a little pissed at me. "where were you last night" was the first thing he asked me. And then I relayed the whole "i didn't want to be a party crasher. I wasn't sure who was inviting me to the party" thing to him. "why wouldn't I invite you. we're friends, but i wasn't sure if I had your right number so I asked jenn to ask you to come".

My bad. How was I suppose to know.

I have to make it up to him. I told him the next party he has I will come, and be all excited about being there. Though Jenn, totally fudge up the party invite, I still wanted to hang out with her because she has been asking for a while and I like Jenn. I don't want her to think that i don't, just because I am not much of a hanger outer. Marie explains it the best: It's getting me out of the house that is the problem. It can be a challenge, but after that I'm fine.

So yesterday I spent the better part of my day off hanging with her. It was fun. I was exhausted when I came back home and did my usual crash and burn thing. But then I couldn't go to sleep the rest of the night, I contemplate getting rid of my nap hour (2-3). It is sort of affecting my sleep at night.

Today will be more like my usual day off. I returned those damn books to the library (like seriously, who checks out 15 books!), then to target for food, and now I am home in bed (shit there goes that getting rid of my nap thing).I enjoy not having any place to be today. I don't have to wake up at a specific time to head to work, or to the mall, or someplace like that. I hate not making the money but for now I am going to enjoy these days to myself. I miss them.

Bed Time

Closing was horrible tonight. Two people called out sick. The new girl Tiffany, who we all hate, (maybe because she's gorgeous. Definitely because she is a bitch) got into an altercation with a customer while she was at the cash register, and and was sent home early. Like 3 hours early. Lets just say she displayed said bitchness to a customer and he went directly to our MOD (manager on duty) and went all ape shit.

He kept calling Tiffany a 'snot nose' ( who uses that any more) and that he would go to corporate to make a complaint. I am sad, not really, to say that this may be the last of Tiffany. Once a customer requests a termination via corporate, the managers really don't have a choice. After the customer went on a 10 minute tirade about 'snot nose', the MOD pulled Tiffany off of the cash register, took her to the back and sent her home early. This means that we closed with two booksellers, two cafe people, and a manager. What the fudge.

I hate closing. After these late shifts, no matter how tired I feel, I have this weird energy that prevents me from sleeping. Because I can't sleep I eat. But then my stomach is all "you just ate something, you don't think I am going to let you sleep, right? ". I mean it's 12:30 right now, my feet hurt, my eye lids are heavy, and I want nothing more but to crawl under the covers and sleep. But I can't. And I won't and the sandwich that I have in the fridge is calling my name. And because I know I have a day off tomorrow, I will not only sleep in late but I will sleep all day. If I can.

I have no hours this week. The holidays are over, which means the hours are sparse and the stress starts to set in. I have become the wage whore I never wanted to be. Because I am clocking in 3 days this week (and one on-call shift) I have started to work on my resume, since I need to make more money and my job sucks. A year out of college, and the old resume just isn't doing it anymore. So yesterday I started fiddling with the format, finding the right words and sentiment to put on the page, and so far this thing is looking really good.

With the time I have off this week, I see it as the perfect opportunity to fill out some job applications while I wait for word (any time Max) on the Nonion internship. I have nothing better to do. Maybe I should try getting some sleep first though. Yeah, sleep. My bed is really warm, my pajama pants are somewhere and I am done with tonight and all of it's craziness.