Beckettville: Population 1

Town Motto: Town of Self loathing, save yourself and turn back now.

Queen of Self Loathing strikes again.

It don't know what puts me into those self analytical moods, where i percieve that i can't do anything right and that i have pissed off someone in my past life and am doomed to roam this land alone. It strikes upon me in those moments and then i am sad for the rest of the day.

That day was last night while i was listening to The War soundtrack as i was trying to fade into la la land. The room was real dark, my headphones on, i'm staring at the ceiling again, and the thought comes to my mind.

This thought had been leading up since about Saturday, but came into perspective while i was trying to sleep.

I had a good weekend. Filming lasted til 10:30pm, i stayed til 3 because i had stuff to study for and sleep to do. It went a lot smoother this weekend, though not as fun as the last weekend. New Jersey and Boston weren't there b/c of football games, but i had a good time anyway. The set looked way better than last time, and the actor who played the lead male didn't have the child molestor eyes that the supporting male lead has. Everyone in their is a media art student. The talk about technical aspects of movies, how amazing a scene to a movie i've never seen is, what actors annoy them, ect...I can talk about some of that stuff, but i think they think it unusual for a pre-med student to want to be involved in the process. Like i can see them thinking of jobs to give me, so i am not bored. While they play with the camera, i'm studying for chemistry. They give me jobs that usually deal with continuity and organizing. So i must admit that even among the "artist" i feel like an outsider.

Doesn't help when you have the Art Director, with her exotic name, air of artist snubbery, but overall niceness has all the boys fawning over her. Not that that would have matter, if i wasn't the only other girl who pretty much is pushed to the side when "exotic name" is present. Dave the producer when he was talking to her said

Dave: We all love the cool arsty type girls, thats why we are so glad that you are here.

As i sit in the corner with my nose in a biology book. Questions go directly to her, as if talking to me while somehow infect them with my medical knowledge, which is none so far. Though they are nice, and pleasant to be around, i feel this disconnection with them, not because i totally don't love art, and would like nothing better than to spend my adulthood wrting in some far off place, selling books, and retreating to some quaint little town in Europe with my uber intelligent but not pretentious boyfriend. But i need that balance. I need for me to like art, and be involved in science.

They are amazed that i am taking Chemistry and Biology, History, and Spanish, and English without having a nervous breakdown. But i thought everyone took a courseload like mine. They informed me that their exams are more like projects, that they know about early on in the semester and that aren't due til the end. WHAT? I couldn't function like that, i need to be educationally stimualted all the time. Somehow in all the craziness of my acedmic career, i like to be pushed. I like the struggle and proving to myself that i can do it. (New Thing i learned about myself). I think without it, is where i would really have the nervous breakdown, b/c i constantly need to be filled with knowledge that though is a stuggle for me to learn, but the fact that i conquer is so fullfilling.

So i felt a little out of place. I felt like i was infected with the medical plague and to not be infected with it, they didn't say to much to me of any merit. Like unless i was talking about movies, not indepth conversation where present.

I told my mom of my frustrations. I've never been a girl with an image. I don't need to label myself. I not a walking billboard. In essence i am a poster girl with no poster. In my infinite wisdom, i see that people love being defined. Either you are an Artist, with his/her artist friend who go to plays, and coffe shops, and wear interesting clothes to express yourslef. You could be a Intellectual. A scientist, who wears glasses, book smart. You like logic, answers, order. You wear suits at meetings. You could be a Frat Boy/Sor Girl, general stereotypes you can insert. But it seems like everyone is categorized. And it frustration cause i don't want to be in a category, i want to just be.

I thought i would find a place among the artist b/c i like art. I love paintings, i love music, i love movies. But i don't dress like them. i don't wear my hair five different shades of red, i don't wear a skirt with knee socks, and though i wear chuck taylors, i don't have them in every shade of colors. And though artist seem to always talk about how they are "outsiders" and shunned because they are different, they don't seem to be pretty closed off. Like you have to prove your quirkiness to be one of them. When my cellphone was not working(i wrote about this in another post) i went to this girl art girls room, who i assumed would be really cool about letting me use her cellphone. I mean we are hallmates, and i would totally help in a situation like that. But she totally blew me off, looked me up and down, discared me like yesterday's leftover, and even now when i see her, she has that air of "im cooler than you" because i like art.

College is just one big separation, but of cliques. But unlike highschool these cliques mingle a little more. So as i am ranting this off to my mother, she says that b/c i don't fit in, i'm am actually free and more of an individual than those who claim to be. Which is true and i understand and i even appreciate that she sees how great of a person i am turning out to be, but being an individual is lonely. Being mature, and wise is all great and dandy, but being lonely sucks, and though most times i can escape to my room from the world, sometimes i want to escape from my situation and myself but i can't, and it makes me sad.

So of course when i went to bed, i was in the self loathing mood, seconds before i drifted off to sleep. Asking myself "why i am so weird", why am i so quiet and reserved. I totally like that i am free, that maybe everyone else is just a liar and putting on an act, or upholding some image, being a part of a category b/c it's safer there. I mean wouldn't you? Why would you want to be free if that if it meant you were alone. On this side your lost and no one's looking. Price you pay i guess. Sometimes i rather be a liar, just to be a part of something.

5 days at home. This time i will actually have time to write from my house...well hopefully. Once again i can't wait to be in my own room, with my cats, and mum and brother. Wednesday needs to be here already.