Daydreams

I daydream a lot.

I mean A LOT. When i was younger, it was beneficial to always have my head in the clouds. I never got bored, i came up with cool games to play, and my younger cousin loved that even though i was 10 and he was 6 that i would play stupid PowerRanger games with him, and act out all the fake fighting. Oh if someone had a recording of that i may just die.

You'd think the older i got, the less time i would spend daydreaming. Not the case. I daydream everywhere, in my room, standing in line, listening to people, but especially in class. Now even with those comercials that dictate that if you can't seem to pay attention that you have ADD, i totally disagree and think it just a way to get us all doped up on drugs. I daydream, cause i feel completely comfortable with my escape to a better place.

Usually in Chemistry i am off to another place. Which i know i shouldn't be doing, but the drone of the professor deverts my attention, and then i am gone.

What do my daydreams consist of: They use to consist of "N" which they still do most of the time. I imagine that in large class, as i am just dosing off, i notice in the corner of my eye a figure standing in the door. He is completely gorgeous, tall, dark hair, piercing eyes(though of course from my seat i can't see those piercing eyes, but i assume that they are piercing). I satnd up with out realizing it. The figure goes to the professor, i guess telling him that he is here to take me away. all eyes are on me as i am just standing there, the girls are completely jealous, the boys are completely envious. The professor calls my name, and me and the figure finally make eye contact, i grab my stuff, tripping through the aisle(even though this is a daydream that fact that i am very clusmy will always be present in them) and as i approach him, dropping my stuff on the floor, staring at him, we don't have to say anything to know what we are feeling...

OF course then i totally fade back into reality and continue trying not to fall asleep. Most of my daydreams aren't mushy. Although lately i can't help thinking about Art Boy, and stupid things like holding hands, and cuddling, gross i tell you when you are learning about gases in Chemistry and the kid next to you is fidgeting like no tomorrow and there is a fly buzzing around, and an unpleasant smell has just gotten to your side of the room. Pleasant though when i think of how sweet he may be, and even about his quirkiness i witness when he gets to talking about movies. For some reason, i keep passing him on the street, he has this deep voice and it's funny to hear him in this deep tone discussing things like Kubrick, and Batman.

I notice that my daydreams, make my expectations so high about people or situations. They are so unrealistic that when i actually become face to face with them, i am let down and disappointed. I expected i would have grand friends, we would have cool conversations about movies, and music, photography, ect...we would be a close group of friends who were cool in our own way. My family life would consist of not having to tell my mother to decorate for the holidays, a closer relationship with my immediate family, my brother being more of a role model, and me being the ideal me. My love life would be far better than it is now, Art boy would come up to me and tell that he was totally in like with me, we would balance each other out...I know this isn't logical. That life would boring if it was like that, though safe, and comfortable, it would be extremely boring.

I guess i'm not looking for safe. I'm not looking to be comfortable and stagnate, and my daydreams are my emergence into that idealistic place that i know isn't attainable, because it isn't meant to be. Though cuddling with art was very pleasant in my daydream, but whatever.

Last night we had another hall meeting. This was a get to know each other hall meeting. So we lined up, and the Ra's would ask a question. If it applied to you, you stepped forward, if it didn't or you just didn't want to answer, you stayed against the wall. It funny how any game played with people, it always turns a little perverse. They started asking question like "who have had sex this semester." "This year" "who is saving themselves for marriage (i.e. Are you a virgin) "who is celibant", needless to say, i did not step forward.

Okay...so...um... The whole time the Ra is asking the questions like "are you a virgin, are you saving yourself for marriage, are you celibant" she's staring at me the WHOLE time. I was looking around, cause i was like "is she just asking me" or maybe i have a booger. Apparently i am like the virgin mary of this whole dorm. Is there light radiating from my body or something, should i start bowing when all pass me, or maybe i should have a fellow follow me around with a violin as i pass the hall. It was so awkward. So i choose not to have sex with anyone, WHATEVER, no it's not for "i'm saving myself for marriage" bull, just that i don't see the point in sleeping with everyone who says he likes you.

I am completely emotionally attached to people, and doing something as big as sex is just not what i'm emotionally ready for yet. I was walking down the street today and some girl was yelling to her friend that her boyfriend "friend with benefit" cannot just sleep with her, but have a girlfriend on the side. I don't want to be a girl crying over that fact that he didn't call me the next day. But i hate being looked upon as some odd comodity, because i haven't done it yet. So once again i awkwardly walked away after all was said and done, and returned to my room.

My mom said she was having a bad day because she is worried about my brother, and what he plans to do with his life. I'm worried to, he just seems to be stuck in this lazy state of nothingness. It's totally okay if you have no idea what you want to do, but there's a difference between not knowing and not giving a damn. And he seems to just not care what happens to what he will make of his life. There's only so much encouraging you can do before he has to take the initial leap.

It's weird how the leap is the hardest part of the journey. When i was younger, i was the queen of the park. There were these fireman poles that you could slide down. There was three of them. One was about 4 feet off the groud. The second was higher up, the 3rd one was the highest. At the time it seemed to be about 20 feet. The daredevi lin me, never liked sliding down the poles, but jumping was the things the kids did. Almost to prove yourself. Staring down at the ground which seemed so far, and so deadly. Your heart is racing a mile a minute. You kind of reach for the pole as leverge, but you know that jumping is the only way down you can go. Counting to three, i held my breath and jumped. It seemed like the fall would never end, time seemed to slow down, the air is rushing up into your face, but the most exciting part is hititng the ground, and knowing that you had the strength to just let go and jumped. And that even if it was scary, you have the ability to make that leap anytime you want.