Fools In Love

So i am home, Which is why this post is being written late at night, instead of my ususal after class blog time.

I was exicted about going home today. And once again may have skipped out of Chemistry class with a smile on my face. I'm excited about the arrival of my mother and brother until they actually show up. Like from a far we are a great functioning family, but together we are a complete mess.

As soon as she called saying they were 5 minutes from the University, and to meet them outside, i grew dreadful of their arrival. As i waited out there the image of my mom pulling up, my brother jumping out of the car and dashing to greet me with a hug. We would be in an embrace for a while, and like a happy little family drive back home. Not the case.

My dorm is located right in front of a small loading, unloading parking lot for students. There are only five parking spaces. So as my mom drives into the parking lot, instead of parking in the spots. She parks the car right in the middle of this small lot, preventing any cars from entering or exiting. She jumps out of the car and runs toward me, but not to give me a hug, but to ask me to show her where the nearest bathroom is, my brother is refusing to get out of the car because she left the keys in the ignition. I am trying to become invisible in this moment as people pass by, the whole time i was praying Art boy would not walk by and see the craziness called the Hughes.

After the initial awkwardness,and my mom finding a bathroom, they bring my stuff to the car and we head home.

Returning home, is like returning to the past you a) want to return to b) want to escape. I love being home, but being in this small town is nerve racking. I always hated watching those talk shows where the girl comes on talking about how much she was a geek in high school, and now she is hot and stuff and wants to flaunt it to her tormentors, b/c i always figured they were liars. Underneath all the "I'M HOT NOW AND I WANT YOU TO SEE HOW HOT I AM, AND KNOW THAT I AM OVER WHAT YOU DID TO ME" is really the same scared, weird, hurt girl in highschool with this need to be acknowledge. Needless to say i am still the fragile, outcast girl from highschool and i don't make a deal of acting like i have somehow changed into this "NEW, BETTER, Beckett". I'm pretty much the same, they just don't see me every weekday in class.

It is weird seeing old highschool people in stores. Like if they weren't my friend in high school should i be obligated to say hi to them when i see them in a store. My answer is usually no. Unless your name is Peter.

Peter works in the grocery store. The grocery store 5 minutes from my house. The one my mom shops in everyday. EVERYDAY. Did i mention i once had a crush on Peter. Last January, my mom told me that a boy who worked at the Supermarket said he knew me, and that he wanted to sya hi. Of course i berated her on who it was, and when she mentioned Peter i was a little excited.

He plays the cello, i play the violin. He plays the guitar and had for a while this wild mane of hair that i was in love with. In high school, i always kind of thought he was cute, and we talked and i guess enjoyed each other company. But i notice with the boys i like(i don't do this anymore), i completely act like i dislike them(damn maybe i still do). In the 11th grade(most depressing high school experience) i completeley withdrew from any impending chemistry between us. He keep asking around if he had down something to make me stop talking to him. It was numerous reasons, but i just opted for saying "i'm just having a bad year". He even offered to but me the Goonies DVD, to make me feel better. It didn't. But during the last couple of weeks of that year, we returned to our friendship/slightly crushing thing.

In 12th grade, he went to a school for the arts, for his cello playing. And i didn't see him anymore. Which is why when my mom mentioned that he wanted to say hey, i was more then willing to go to the Supermarket any chance that i could get. Though i barley say two words to him. I can't seem to think of any words to say to him when i see him. I draw a blank, and though he has that eager look like he wants to have a conversation with me, i usually just tell my mom i am going to wait in the parking lot.

It's easy to have a crush on someone when you aren't reminded of what crazy things irks you about him. Like i keep remembering that in high school he was just so...shady, and not someone i could rely on. But with me being away at college, and not having to be reminded of that all day, i kind of had this idea of him being Perfect. That he was "lovely".

But today was different. Me walking into the supermarket, my heart for once not beating, my eyes not glancing around for him, i felt like everything had changed. We go to the cash register, and though Peter was not the cashier we went to he came up to talk to me.

Peter: Hey
Me: Hey, how are you
Peter: Good, what you up too
Me: Nothing

And then i mention a few things i am planning to do when i get home, sleep, sleep, and more sleep.Okay so it wasn't an extremely deep chit chat, but it didn't even need to be a chit chat. I don't have a crush on him, maybe i never did, maybe it was just easier to like someone far away than deal with liking someone who lives in my dorm per chance. And though i am not going on a talk show to talk about how much i have changed, and to prove it to someone who degraded me, or someone who disappointed me in high school, i am a little changed. So i'm still awkward, and clumsy, and yes i still hum when i eat, and my down days are killer, but somehow emerging from all this is the stronger and more open me. i'm different in a way, in a way that made me leave the supermarket with pride, and not with a flushed face for once.

Plus my full attention is on Art boy. Though i haven't garnered the nerve to get beyond our grade school romance, i know that i like him enough that Peter is no more in my book.

It is strictly grade school what me and Art Boy are doing. Everyone remembers that first crush in school, where the boy completely acted weird around you in his strange way to say he liked you. Well this has moved up to College. Where we walked past each other, avoiding glares, that we almost bump into each other. We pass each other on the street, smile coyly as if we are holding a secret between the both of us. Sooner or later though we have to move up from this. Right now i have opprotunity to completely develope something with him, and in my fear i am letting him just slip away. though the fact that i make him nervous, is quite funny. He's like 6'1 and completely nervous around me.

It funny how awkward relationship are.

Well i am completly exhausted, and will try to write earlier tomorrow.