It's a new Dawn...It's a New Day

Early morning post.

I absolutely love the mornings. I love the image of life emerging, of things waking up, of the millions of people making coffee this morning. Of pajamas and morning news. Especially of oatmeal, and my occassional glance of the cartoon network, while i am munching.

I've never been a night person, which i thought i would eventually grow out of, but needless to say, when i'm sleeping, i will make sure everyone knows, and then respectively wherever i am, make a comfortable spot for me to sleep on. Car, airport, school bus after a speech competition, and maybe on the person sitting next to me. It's lie between 12:30 and 2:00 my eyes are basically closing, i am struggling to hold myself up, and such. If i can make it past two without passing out than i have insomnia and can't sleep.

But the mornings they are different. I am totally a morning person. I wake up as if i have been in hibernation for years, and i take in all my surroundings like a new born baby. My room has the best view in the house, and of course when i looked outside, i wanted to go running.

I use to be a runner. Yes, so i'm not that athletically devoid of skill. I mean i didn't run for a team, but i was called Speedy in school but the Gym Teacher, up until the 8th grade or so when we moved. It's something about running, that seems to clear your mind. So at 7:00 this morning i crept out of my room, and had a jog around the neighborhood. Though i can't really run in these hospital scrubs my mom bought me as pj's but just being out there, tripping and freezing, was enough to clear my head.

I thought of Heather. I thought of my dad. I thought of my mom and my brother. I thought of my new cousin and hoping that she would like me (she's like 6 months old). I thought of the future, and of the present. I thought of Nicholas.

I do set up these high standards in my mind of people. I mean almost impossible standards that i know they cannot fulfill, and i don't even expect them too. I do it with everyone, new or old that i have meet. But for me it's just another protective mechanism for me not getting to close to people. So really it's just detrimental on my part, because i trying to protect myself from the realities of relationships that i set up these unrealistic expectations of them.

I liked to believe in my mind that everyone i love doesn't have these faults, and that all the world is beautiful and that life is WONDERFUL. but by experience i know they aren't b/c i have put complete faith in people, without those high expectations that always seem to come up short, and i always seem to be left crushed. So i set up those barriers, those "he will be lovely and nice", "She will be the greatest friend ever" though i know people aren't like that.

My "ex" best friend from New Rochelle totally left me in the dry when i was having a hard time last year when i had to leave School and come back home, she didn't care and she wasn't there emotionally to comfort me, she had moved on. I don't even want to talk about Nicholas. My head will have to process that whole relationship another time.

I always had that fear of being left behind. Like i wouldn't have dealt with the whole "home Alone" situation as well as the kid in that movie. I mean sure crooks and the craziness that ensued i could handle, but the fact that i was left out of a vacation with the people i kind of cared about would irk me. I don't like being trapped in a situation from prevents me from being a part of something i like. But i'm trapping myself kind of. And maybe little by little these barriers have to be stripped down (or sweating in my case, i'm still running here), and i will emerge from this like a new Dawn, like a new day.

You know that point in running, where you feel like you can't run anymore. Her heart feels like it's about to burst out of your chest, your legs hurt like crazy, and your house which is just a couple of houses down seems like miles. By this time i was about to collapse, but i at least waited to i hit my lawn, to complete collapse on the ground of course as a school bus of peering children come by. The embarassment never stops i tell you.

Staring up at the sky, i heard the song in my head, Nina Simone "Feeling Good"(DAMN you Six Feet Under)

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

And i couldn't help but smile...i love the morning. By then though the little faces in the bus were totally laughing at me(seeing that bus stop is right on the corner), and i retreated in to my house.

Now for totally unrelated news. I hate getting my hair done.

Though my mom LOVES to put me through the torture of putting curls and other frilly things in my hair, so "you look like the beautiful girl you are Beckett". Yadda yadda yadda, after surprising me early in the morning with her..."do you want to go out , Beck" and me agreeing,we went to get my hair done, so " going out" meant going to a place where the do you hair but students of the hair school do it. So i was their guinea pig.

I love how that trick still works. At 19, i thought i wouldn't still fall for the "lets go to the park routine". So sitting in the car, i'm like "this isn't the way to the park".
MOM:Well i thought it would be fun if you got your hair down before we go to the park
I was fooled again. She's a tricky one that mom. As i'm sitting in their waiting for the doom of getting my hair down, my mom tries to reassure me....unsuccessfully

Mom: we have to support them in their dream Beckett, one day you will have to do the same thing. Don't you have to practice on people before you can become a doctor
Me: Dead people, mom. If i mess up on them, they won't care.
Mom: oh come on, you are being irrationalm how can they mess up on a simple wash and shampoo.
Me: [glaring at her]

So i don't complete faith in people touching my hair. Everyone i have been to says they have the perfect look for me

Hairdressers of the past
#1: We can give you a little flippy thing
#2: oh a curl would look so beautiful
#3: You have amazing hair, i can but like a little french braid with the...
#4: One word: BIG

No, No, and More No.

When i try to tell them i like it to look like i just woke up, and kind of messy...they do the "srcunch nose up face" and give me the style they want. I even brought in a picture of Selma Blaire when she had short hair, and somehow i came out looking like a bride on her Wedding day, wearing a Ramones T-shirt and Chuch Taylors. Ridiculous.

Needless to say, i did not trust my hair in the hands of a student of Hair.Everyone's so smitten by the color of my hair, i am like a lab rat. My hair is technically black/brown but for some reason in the sun, it becomes this auburn color, like i head radiating from the sun. I hate that my hair does that b/c people are always touching it.

She did an okay job, though as soon as i got outside, i ruffled my hair, shaking out any possible curls that may have been. But it was all the things she said to me in their that blew my mind. She was a 20 year old girl, who was overly nice and constantly asking me how i was feeling. As she is washing my hair, she's asking "how old are you" i tell her. "You go to college". I tell her. "What's you major". I tell her. And then out of the blue

Hairdresser: So do you have a baby and a husband.

I almost drowned myself with the water. But instead i just did the awkward laugh and said

Beckett: NO, NO, NO...i'm just a student

So yes most of the girls from my high school has already gotten married and started a family. Which there is nothing wrong with that. But that is not in my near future. From watching my mom, i can see that starting a family is a selfless act, you have to completely be invested in the kids and your spouse, and you can't have a selfish bone in you body, because it isn't about you anymore. I still want to be a little selfish, and all i could do was laugh. Me Married? I don't think so. Not unless his name is Gael Garcia Bernal, then i would make an exception. =)

So then after that, she kept asking me about being a doctor, like i was one already. Word got round like there was a possible doctor in the wing, and i was treated like gold. I hate having to tell people i'm a pre-med student. Not because i'm embarassed but because people do the whole "treat me like i sleep on silk sheets act"(i've slept on silk sheets, i nearly slide off, funniest sight.), so after being crowded by 5 girls asking me "doctor" question i was happy when they were done and i was out of their.

I have to get some school work done. I still haven't finished my essay. Damn you English ...complete writers block when writing reader response to a song.