Saratoga Rain

I walked outside today to the pleasure of the cool breeze brushing my face. I know it must have been strange for those to see me, as my face was staring up at the sky. Eyes half closed with probably a smile on my face. It something about the days when the weather is perfect. The sun is shining just right, the wind is lightly blowing, and even my hair seems to catch the rythmn of the wind, and i feel as if all is possible. It those days, when you can't be mad at the world, because you see this small things of beauty we are given. When realize thats it's not the earth which makes life ugly, but the people who are in it, that can destroy the beauty and magic of life.

So i did it, today i am officially a psych major. I was nervous, i have this horrible thing of second guessing myself, and at any moment as i was walking to the building i was contemplating running back,and forgetting the whole stupid idea of major change. My feet were heavy as i walked what seemed miles to the building, but i made it up the stairs, determined to do this. The lady was really nice, we talked about the evils of biology and chemistry, and she stated that most med school students were not biology major( big load off my shoulder) . She also told me of all the years left i have of school and not to try and rush to graduate so early. Though i am still going to graduate early, i figure the 6 months off i can travel or something, and maybe i can write in this journal from France, Italy, or Oh...SPAIN. So that was extremely good news, and now i don't feel drowned in the fact that i may have spent 2 more years taking biology courses.

I'm notcing that more and more in my emergence into adulthood, that the divorce of my parents has probably affected me more than i previously assumed. I mean...ookay so yesterday i was watching cold case files, which i usually don't watch. Needless to say it was really sad, some guys daughter died in a fraternity fire, and he thought the fire was an accident but really it was arson, and he and his daughter were close and she was his strength and now that she was gone it was devasting to him...yadda yadda yadda. Before the girl died of smoke inhilation, her friend who was trying to save her but couldn't because the door was locked and the window for some reason had bars on them so she was pretty much stuck. He is outside the window, holding her hand and teling her that help is on the way, and she's fading out, but before she completely collapse she asks her friend to make sure that after she is gone that her father is okay, and that he is never alone( cause her mom died when she was 12 and they only had each other).

Right then and there i am like balling, i mean tears are rolling down my face, and my voice is quivering, and i'm mad at myself for being such a girl and crying, yet tears are still falling. It was completely horrible. And that's when i realize that the divorce of my parents has probably takng a bigger toll on me that i assumed. I mean i don't think they should have stayed married, my dad was abusive to my mom, and somehow she said when she was pregnant with me that she knew sooner or later she would have to leave. So when i two in the dead of night, with my brother in one arm and me in the other we left, and never returned to him as a family. Of course most weekends were spent with him, but leaving him was always extremely hard for me. I felt like a traitor b/c we were going back to this warm house, filled with love and childhood memories that he would never get to experience. I mean him and my grandmother always lived close by, and everyone knows him in the neighborhood, and he has a million friends. but i knew that us not being there was always hard on him, and when he saw us it was always a reminder of what he had missed out on.

Of course right now as i write these words the tears are falling down my face again, and i feel completely stupid. In some way i feel that i should be mad and angry at him, because my mom and brother are. They long ago grew tired of his vagabant lifestyle, his nonreliablity, not being able to look up to him as a role model. They have kind of washed their hands of believing in him, and have giving up on expecting him to change. In some ways i feel i should be as angry as they are, because i know that he is all those things, but i can't. I feel the only thing keeping him going now, since my grandma/his best friend died, is the complete faith that i have in. And that someone out there has complete trust and love that he will be okay, and that his life wasn't a complete watse.

Because i don't think i could go through life, never letting him know how much he meant. That even if he's not going to get some Father of the year award, that i would have him no other way, that him just being there was enough, broken promises and all, that the fact he attempted was enough, and loving him back has been the easiest thing in this stupid scheme of life that i have be able to do with all my heart and the only thing i have ever really been sure of.