Behind the Wall

When I was younger...I hid in closets.

It wasn't every closet that I hid in, but it was the hallway closet, next to the bathroom, that I would sit into to just escape somedays.

And by younger, I mean like 12. I get extremely uncomfortable around people who are having an argument. It's just emotionally draining for me to watch people yell and say nasty things to one another out of anger.

I can't say I've ever got angry to the point where I have said something malicious to someone, because I realize that you can never take back what you said. I feel the truth comes out in anger, and maybe the half truths are what we live by. It's at the boiling point of an argument when "you were never good enough" "I am so sick of your shit" or the dreaded "I hate you" that I fear, because once they come out, they can never retracted.

So closets are usually where I go to avoid someone yelling or when I was angry that I fear I would say something I didn't mean. I hid to be invisible. I hid hoping never to be found, I hid hoping they'd think I had run away, and fearing they wouldn't care to look.

My mom dated "the greatest man in the world" after she left my dad. They started dating when I was in Kindergarten and their relationship "ended"(they still talk and stuff) when we moved. He was like the father we had also wanted. He was reliable, he was fun, and he taught us things. But somewhere in the relationship bliss they were having, he decided to, how do I say "get another girlfriend on the side", and when my mom found out, lets just say she wasn't really happy.

This would be the 2nd time I would encounter a huge blowout, and seeing another man walk away from our lives(for the time being, the eventually got back together, and we enjoyed more good years as a make-shift family). My mom was never that mother who had 20 different people my brother had to get to know as her knew boyfriend. There was basically my dad, and then James( or "the greatest man in the world" minus the cheating).

Me and brother, were in our rooms when we heard the yelling. It was basically my mom yelling at him, while he stood there are took her words. We lived in those old New York apartments, where the hallway is long, leading to the BIG LIVING ROOM. There was a sliding wood door, which separated it from my moms room. So she was standing in her room, and he was standing in the living room. It was night time and we were suppose to be sleeping. But from our rooms, at the other end of the hall, we peaked our heads out and watch the commotion. I don't remember what was said, but I remember how crushed he look. I remember my brother staring at me, wondering what was going to happen now, and then I remember us scurrying back into our rooms when he came down the hall to leave. I didn't close the door fast enough though, and before he left we made eye contact. I don't think that look will ever escape my mind.

It was of a man devastated and knowing that he was losing the only thing that meant the most to him. It was also the first night I sat in the closet. The first night of my hiding, of trying to figure out was had gone on, the first night I prevented the tears from falling, and may be the first time that I hoped no one would look for me.

A couple of nights ago we had a hall meeting. It was like 10 o'clock when I got the knock on my door to venture out into the hallway for another bonding attempt with the girls on the floor.

Most of us never talk to each other. I said one word to my neighbor(not the one Art boy is "seeing"), and the only time I see the rest of them is in the bathroom or on my way out. There is no hall unity, at least not from my end, there are the quiet ones, me, neighbor, cello girl, music girl, dj girl, and desk girl. And then there are the rest of them. Loud, partiers, one girls boyfriend basically lives on the hall, and the new girl from Spain.

We had to introduce ourselves to the new girls, and Art Girl was there. She introduced herself but oddly said "I just broke up with my boyfriend of 14 months, be happy for me" we were all kind of confused because when we introduced ourselves in the beginning of the year she had just mentioned she had broken up with her boyfriend

RA: Didn't you already break up with him
Art Girl: yeah but then I got back with him it's over for real this time.
Girls:[Laughing] Yeah right.
Art Girl: Don't worry I have a new boy toy anyway.

I didn't roll my eyes, I just laughed like the rest of them. Art Boy is now someone's' boy toy, who is totally rebound material for this girl to use. I feel sorry for him. I think she was wrong is using him. I disliked her from that moment. But then I heard the yelling.

As I said we are next "room" neighbors, and these walls are pretty thin. We can all hear the arguments she has with there "ex" boyfriend on the phone. (she puts him on speaker phone for some reason). I heard the screaming matches before, but they are becoming more hostile and increasingly loud, and unfortunately at night, moments before I drift off to la la land, I hear them.

And I realized how sad she really is. The moments when her friend isn't around, when she is standing by herself, how completely sad her eyes appear. I can hear it in her voice behind the walls at night, when her boyfriend is screaming at her as if it is his life mission to make her feel like crap. And I feel like the 10 year old me, pressing my ear against the wall wondering what is going on, and what will happen. And moments before I close my eyes, I'm wishing there was a big enough closet(the closets here are dirty and scary, I feel as I close myself in them I will never be able to get out) that I can escape into. So that I can be invisible and immune to their anger.

They had an explosive one the other night, and I couldn't go to sleep. I tried to cover my ears, and pretend as if it wasn't happening. I figured if someone was saying the things they said to each other, I rather be invisible, and not have to listen to people tear each other down.

And I was also kind of relieved. That though some days I am sad, I accept it. I know it isn't hidden behind anything. I know that I don't walk around trying to pretend everything is okay. That I don't lie to myself in that regard. And that I'm glad my sadness isn't hidden in my eyes, doesn't walk around with me, while I hope no one sees it, because that's the sadness that is dangerous. The sadness we hide in ourselves, the ones we aren't so good at hiding from the world.

So Art boy isn't "seeing" Art girl. Maybe they are close friends that she is using for comfort. I saw him walking in this amazingly stupid hat the other day, and I felt sad, that I was letting him slip away. That I'm not fighting to start a relationship with him( i mean not even a budding friendship, if anything else). Just another reminder that everything at the tip of my finger tip, I just have to do a little reaching to get it, or let it slip through my hands. The beginning of the movie club thing,starts this Monday. And I don't even want to say "I'm going to go this time" only to later not go. But I will say that I have some thinking to do, this is my Starting over year after all, and I have to put some of my resolutions into action.

But I must admit, I'm a little scared.

Okay , very scared.