Following Directions....

I've never been one to follow the directions.

Sure I drew inside the lines of coloring books, and was truly neat when it came to putting things back in there place, but ask me to read the directions off of something, and I won't do it.

I don't know what it is, I mean I rather just fix it myself, without even glancing at the packet of directions that will usually stay in the little plastic wrap. I put together my desk without the directions. Sure it leans to one side, and a drawer is missing but I was just happy I got the thing together(though don't ask me to move the thing, because it will all come crashing down).

With the completion of my 2nd week of the semester and finally getting back into the groove of things, I'm noticing how much this semester feels like the beginning of my "freshman" year. Mike isn't in any of my classes,I'm unsure about the work load of my classes, and I seem to just be walking around having no idea where I should go, and generally I feel new and fresh to the whole thing. Which is weird, because I'm not new and fresh to this.

I seem to have the blueprint of how to make this semester a good one. To meet new people, and get over some of my anxieties, and step up into this college world which is kind of waiting to embrace me. And yet, reverting back to my "not wanting to look at the directions" theme, I'm not really make that step to doing that. It's a little frustrating, like "why can't I do that". Why can't I just talk to people. Somewhere I learned that silence was "good", but damn it seems to be biting me in the ass, because I seem to just fade in the background. I seem to shy away and revert to drawing in my notebook rather than talking to the person sitting next to me.

Even though my mom was wrong in yelling at me in public, I do kind of understand her view of my silence. Silence to me are like closed doors, locked up drawers...They are just signs of secrets, of things we rather not let the world see. I feel as if I have my lips clasp tight, but it is me who has bound them, and I'm not really sure how to free my voice. Like that is why my speech teacher, mom, brother, handful of friends, and even why I get mad at myself for. Because I have a voice that I don't use, I have locked myself in a silence that prevents me from connecting to people.

I'm not doing a good job of overcoming that yet. I don't even know where to begin, to try and find the fear or whatever it is that prevents me from using my voice.

I will have to address this in a later post, when I can pinpoint what it is.

Until then...

A boy wants to meet me(not the boy that I want *sigh*,but a boy).

Okay it's not Coffee boy(who knows what the happened to him, chickened out I suppose. I'm starting to think I frighten boys. I use to think I had the "I'm too rough and broken" don't mess with me vibe, but after all the "virgin Mary" looks I'm been getting, I think the sign is rather "I'm too fragile, keep distance". )

Of course it's one of Marie's friend, Lee, who apparently thinks I'm some crazy broad. The thing with Marie is that she exaggerates stories. A simple story about going to the store, instantly becomes me doing something "funny". Like I said, I'm only funny when I am nervous. People like sarcasm, apparently I have a lot of it. You say a curse word or two out of frustration and they are like "who's the girl" "I want to hang out with her". I may have mentioned in an earlier entry about his interest to meet me. Apparently he keeps having things to do over the weekend in anticipation that I will be there. WTF.

Like seeing Brokeback Mountain this weekend. That's not gonna happen. After being put on the phone with him for an awkward 5 minutes he asked when I was going to be home for a weekend,I was praying that he would hand the phone back, only after agreeing to hang out with them the day before I go to NYC for a week( I can't wait to go home). What did I get myself into? I feel like I would be a big disappointment in person. Like "why would you want to meet me? Surely I'm not that interesting."

In the 10th grade I was asked out by a 9th grader who worked with me in the library. Apparently we were flirting unbeknownst to me. Unlike the girls my age, I wouldn't know flirting if it smacked me in the face, which it did when I received a note that said "I think you are cool. Do you want the hook up(reason #98 why I turned him down. H-o-o-k, U-p)? There wasn't a box to check or anything, at least I don't think so. I ran to Marie to show her the note, she laughed and laughed. It was a definent no, but I was trying to find a way to turn him down gently, before I could though Marie sees him out of the corner of her evil eye, and yells "Oh, and she said NO!". He never talked to me again, and of course I felt horrible because of what had taken place.

If he had talked to I would have told him no gently, and then asked what it was that made him want to go out with me(maybe I woud ask him that before saying no). I'm not person I'm one of those needy people who are like "do you like me, TELL ME WHY!!!!" but I'd asked just because I really wanted to know, like if maybe he told me what it was in me he liked, I wouldn't shun it so much. I too would grow to like it. But I never got that chance.

So I'm not really looking forward to meeting this lee character. Because I hope he doesn't have this expectation that I am some table dancing, pole slinding, club hopping groupie. Cause that isn't the case buddy. Not at all.

I had a disturbing dream last night. The dreams that freak me out aren't the ones where I am flying, or something else absurd, but they are the ones that are just so normal. So mundane, that the emotions still remain with you throughout the day. I mean this one wasn't mundane, mundane, but it was so real, I woke up feeling like it had just happened. Can all the emotions from a dream carry into your waking life. If so, I was feeling a little embarrassed today.

I'm too embarrassed to go into details. Well I mean it wasn't one of "those" dreams. It was the aftermath of one of "those" dreams that freaked me out. The dream started with me literally waking up, in a room I had never seen before. It was beige, had a bed located in the corner of the room with a dark comforter, (black or brown maybe) . There was a window in the middle, and a dresser on the other side. There wasn't posters on the wall, which I thought was weird(like doesn't everyone have posters, pictures or something). So when I got out of the bed, kind of just staring around, some dude(who looked really familiar, though not so familar that i was like "hey what he hell are you doing here) walked in. I wasn't frightened of him, but I was uncertain of my being there. Like this wasn't my home, it was his space he had invited me into.

After the initial awkwardness of standing there in my pj's, and him staring at me as if to ask me a question. He walked towards me and brushed his hands against my face. I didn't pull away, just stood there like an idiot, while he said "you have really soft skin", he almost whispered it. IF he wasn't so attractive I probably would have been freaked, but for some reason I just stood there. WEIRD. What was even weirder, which is the part I'm embarrassed about it is that for the next, what seemed like 15 minutes he...Brushed him face and hand against face, neck and shoulder. I mean..It's so weird and I can't stop laughing but... It was if my skin was a magnet, and it's softness perplexed him. After that whole weirdness, I sat against the door, as he sat across from me. And I told him that I was "afraid of what was happening between us", and then he told me "not to worry".

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?

So waking up I was like "Aww, he rubbed his face against mine and said my skin was soft", by mid afternoon I was like "I'm scuzzy whore, and let him rub his face against mine". What made it even worse is that I saw Justin(kid who sang Jimmy Buffet songs to me in Bio). He kept calling my name, but I was in la la land trying to interpret my dream, and not feel so lovely and dirty at the same time. Then he literally touched my shoulder(justin) and I was frightened and wanted to yell "I"M NOT A SCUZZY WHORE IT WAS A JUST A DREAM ABOUT TWO GROWN ADULTS. GROWN ADULTS!!!!", but instead I made small chit chat and ran off to continue with my "embarrassed WTF" face.

Maybe that's why the Lee wants to meet me, maybe Marie has been telling him about my straight up neurotic behaior in public that makes me spontaneous and lively, due to dreams about people I have never met before.

So I'm going to eat burrito, watch dateline later on tonight, and hope that I dream of puppies and kittens or something. I can't take anymore One night standish rendezvous with boys I have never met, which probably resulted from table dancing, pole sliding, and club hopping things groupies do.