Last Time

So I am back from Thanksgiving break. Surprisingly there were no arguments, weird silence, or burnt food. I think the three of us collectively wanted it to be a good holiday we were quick to stray away from arguments that could come about.

Along with the Thanksgiving snack, sparkly Welch juice, and pie, I seem to have brought back a couple of bad dreams along with some thanksgiving treats.

I woke up three times in the middle of the night from my childish night terrors that have been the focal of my dreams as of late. I mean they aren't terribly terrifying , just un-nerving. And last night I had one of those dreams within a dream within a dream crap. I literally woke up saying "I'm sick of the damn dreams" followed by stubbing my toe on the dresser located next to my bed.

I haven't had a solid good memorable dream in a really long time. I was beginning to worry. Naturally being a dreamer I find solace in escaping into to dream land. I don't know about anyone else, but I know that when my head hits the pillow and the few moments of being in dreamland are very exciting....and rather inspiring escapes.

But last night I had this dream where this guy I probably was dating keep dying over and over again. I mean the dream always started with me waking up and him being right next to me. We do the whole smiley kissy thing, and the events of our day go on. But at the end of the day he always died. I mean always. They were all deaths I felt I could have prevented, but no matter how I tried to save or warn him the ending was always the same. This dream within a dream happened about 3 times, and the last one ended with us just lying in bed, me holding him close, knowing the day had started over again, and look on my face told me I couldn't prevent it. So I just held him close. And then I finally woke up.

WTF. That is not the way to start a day off. At least not in my opinion.

So with my bad dream and stubbed toe I headed off to class very late to start the beginning of the end of this semester. I can't believe it is almost over. I feel like it all just started and now it has come to a close. 2 weeks left of class, one week of exams, Christmas, and then the year is over. And of course I have no accomplished anything I was hoping to.

Year after year I feel like I am waiting for this BIG thing to happen. This big thing that will not make each year like the last. I feel like I so anticipate the big thing that will change my life, that I let the year pass me by, not aware that I have yet to make any steps toward getting out of my routine.

Last week I had a dream about riding a train. Being from the city(via Westchester) our mode of transportations were as followed a) walking b) Bus/cab c) train if you were going upstate. My aunt lives upstate and from time to time we would visit her. Taking a train from Tarrytown all the way up to the country was exciting at the time. Trains stop at every destination, dropping off and allowing people on. The view from a train are the most beautiful of all. I seen more of the east coast from the seat of a train than by any other means.

In this dream I was on a train, and it was making dozens of stops. The view was beautiful, and my seat was pretty comfortable, but I couldn't choose which stop to get off at. So I keep riding, and the train kept going. That's pretty much how I feel at the end of the semester, like I been on this train that keeps going, but I have yet to choose a stop to get off at. So I just continue to ride, watching as the towns pass me by.

Sometimes I feel as if I don't have a direction. Be it with people(defined relationships), school(what I want to do with myself after graduation),myself(who the hell am I and can I accept me). I guess it's a lot different from feeling lost, I don't feel so lost anymore. But I feel overwhelmed with choices and options and consequences to those decisions. I guess relating to the other dream it's this notion that in life there aren't any do overs. Sure there are second chances and open opportunities, but in choosing one over the other you risk losing the rest of the choices.

Or you risk, as I do as the end of this semester, to have done something differently that would have made a difference in the way things were.

I feel I need a push in the right direction. But I fear the push has to come from myself, and maybe I'm not ready to get off the train just yet. The sleeper cart has such a gorgeous view.

My first tough decision to make is whether to go to a concert in Washington DC around the first of February for a concert. Besides Katherine, Marie, and my Mom i have never traveled alone. But the impulsive side in me wants to take this trip so bad. Oh decisions.

Time to study.