A while back I saw Katherine in the library. What a weird awkward moment that was.
It's funny how much has changed in a year. I feel like the same girl but different and I have yet to learn if those differences are good or not. I feel stronger yet vulnerable, stable but on shaky ground, and even a little happier but with a shadow of pain behind it.
I am evaluating myself and the relationships around me constantly, trying to put it all in perspective before bedtime.
My mom use to say that James(Ex boyfriend James) hated silence. He was always making jokes and laughing and making sure that as a family our time was filled up with plenty of noise. She said because in the silence all you have is your thoughts. And your thoughts can be an endless reminder of past regrets.
So upon seeing Katherine, images of what our friendship was popped into my mind,and I could only evaluate what went wrong. Luckily having an almost daily reminder of my life allows me to go back and pinpoint events, but it doesn't stop the doubt that crosses my mind. Of what went wrong, and whose to blame.
What I think is incredibly hard with the demise of that friendship is that every one put me managed to remain friends with her. I mean plain Jane is still friends with her, and even the Amy/Kristin girl is . Perhaps it was me, maybe I over-reacted in letting her go.
Maybe it was my own insecurities in wanting a BFF that led me to drive her crazy ass away.
Because days when I see her hanging around a new group of friends whom she will undoubtedly lose interest in, I can't help but miss being apart of that.
You kind of forget how fun it was being apart of something until you aren't apart of it anymore.
I desperately miss having a best friend. I can feel myself on the telephone when talking to Mike or Marie wishing that our conversations were longer. That they weren't so one sided, where Mike will ask me if I did my math homework so he can copy off of it, and Marie will go on and on about her boyfriend.
We had the worst conversation last week on the phone, where a long awkward pause was the only noise, and then she started talking to her boyfriend while I was still on the phone.
I feel like I am putting things into place, and growing as a person, but I am some how still lacking the only things that I want. Some sort of strong connection to people I would call my friends.
Everyone talks about college as if it is this huge social experience, and I have encountered the complete opposite. I'm afraid that I'll have left this place with greater regrets that I walked into it with.
I mean even when things got really bad with Katherine, I still kind of miss having a place to hang out at. Of being apart of something and someone's life other than my own.
And maybe I am just lucky, maybe I have just avoided the silence of my life as of late. I have been able to avoid having to be swamped with thinking of past regrets all the time. But I learned that you never evade silence, it's always present and lingering, and waiting for you to address it's place in your life.
Right now it's bugging the hell out of me.
Tomorrow I leave for thanksgiving break, and I am too excited. The holidays are beautiful because they are both stressful and splendid. I would say relaxing but that would be a total lie, I expect to spend more money than I want to, eat more than I should, and not study, read or do assignments that need to be done before the end of the semester.
I am ready for this year and semester to be over and done with. I feel like a television show that has hit it's sophomore slump, and I am kind of looking forward to the beginning of next season.
Next season at least will promise more boys, friends, and general classroom antics which I am fond of.
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