Literally, my eyes will open and for what seems like a minute i am trying to mentally place myself. Even with the sun shinning in my room, or the big green frog resting by my foot, i cannot place this room, townor most importantly the bed i am in.
Lately i have been waking up expecting something. I'll roll over expecting someone to be their, or to my phone seeing if I missed call, or I'll wake up trying to remember if anyone is expecting me for an early morning run, a drive around the block, or breakfast at the coffee shop.
But then...just like the moments after i wake up and realize where i am, when i have finally placed myself back to this room, town, school, and life, i am hit with the realization of all the expectations that don't exist. And i fall back to my pillow wanting them to be as real to me as i have dreamt them up to be.
This Sunday has just been emotionally draining and for no real reason at all.
I think the closer i get to figuring myself out, to trying to repair all the damage that has been caused over the years, the more...drained, and frustrated i become. I am frustrated with my progress or lack thereof. I feel like i have my feet firmly planted in cement and i desperately want to get myself out.
Just waking up today and having that feeling, that awareness of all the expectations that have fallen short ,made me yearn for them even more.
All i can say is thank god for pseudo scary movies on Sci-Fi, shortbread cookies, and the comfortable slippers that are lifting me out of this fog. I wont let it keep a hold of me forever. I would also like to thank Justin Timberlake's song "What goes around.." because shockingly you can't be sad when you are dancing to JT. Just saying.
2 comments:
weirdly enough, in my junior year of college i had a similar thing...i'd be walking somewhere or doing something and all of a sudden i'd be like "wait, where AM i? why am I here? how'd i get here?" - and it wasn't like i was blacking out or anything, but my brain just got really disconnected from my surroundings. i think.
or i was losing my mind, who knows. i've certainly lost it since then.
also, why is kurt halsey so awesome? do you think he would marry me and draw pictures for me?
I don't know why he is so awesome. I think it is a conspiracy...like all of a sudden i will find out he is really hot and sensitive, but in the cool way, not the annoying way.
His artwork is perfection.
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