All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands.

This weekend i intended to wallow in indecisiveness. I was planning it, had my John Mayer downloads all ready for the weekend of crying into a pillow.

But that plan was soon put into the back burner when i remembered that my mom was coming on Saturday to bring me some Valentine goodies. This Thursday she is heading to NYC for a week long visit. This is the first time she has traveled without my brother and I and she is a little freaked out.

So perhaps to ease her uneasiness she decided to come and spend the WHOLE Saturday with me. Morg has been driving her crazy, work has been driving her crazy, and the cats have been peeing on her clothes...needless to say she needed a break from being at home.

After Thursday i was pretty much out of it. My mind was running a million and one things, and none of them really seemed to make any sense. Regardless i was pretty excited when she showed up. Prozac or anything of that matter was far from my mind, and for once i was just happy to be...well me.

It was generally a really good weekend. I got free food, clothes, and a Valentines Day box which cannot be opened until Wednesday.

I of course have been thinking about this Prozac thing a lot. The mere mention of Prozac reminds me of the movie Prozac Nation(based on the book) starring Christina Ricci. So instantly i don't have the best image of the drug planted in my head. I mean i know i shouldn't get my Prozac information from a movie, but I'm just saying it's my real first memory of seeing rather than hearing what Prozac was.

I have yet to wrap my mind about taking Prozac. Continuing my very Pro and Con thinking i have been trying to find middle ground with my decision. Perhaps trying Prozac will make me my attempts to overcome anxiety a little easier. I mean a lot of people take medication and they aren't freaky smiley happy people walking down the street. A drug cannot simply change who i am, and if all else fails i can just stop taking the drugs.

OR.

I could totally freak out on them. The woman spoke of increased Anxiety, insomnia, and even a rash. What happens if i can't write on them. If everything suddenly becomes clear what will be the fun of writing about how i overcome them. I can't even take an aspirin without feeling weird, what could something like Prozac do to me.

See...I'm clearly doing black and white thinking and not finding a gray.

The comments Thursday helped a lot. Each comment made me think more and more about my the prospect of taking medication. And it also lessened my worries about Prozac and my own ability to make a decsion right for me(thanks =) )

But i guess my greatest fear is that though i have social anxiety i don't feel like i need the drugs to make it easier. I have always been a person who has wholeheartedly tried to do something on my own before ever asking for help. I just have always believed that if something came in my way, i would be able to overcome it. So this whole issue with Prozac makes me feel as if...I hadn't given it a 110% to work on my issues.

I believe that medication works. And a part of me thinks that it would also help me.

But the other part, probably the most important part is unsure.

With my birthday approaching i am getting quite nostalgic these days. Luckily my nostalgia is not in the "wow i want to go back home and relieve those days" but more in a "wow i really appreciate the 21 years of my life" It's been an uphill battle and in the past 5 years it has been my hardest battle yet. But there are days when i feel like "i can do this" when i look into the mirror and see and feel like the girl i believe i once was.

I was an energetic kid, with a loud laugh, and scrapped knees. I dressed extremely tacky wearing mismatched shoes and head bands for every color. I rocked converses, and played with best of them. I was carefree, a little shy, but full of life.

And through the process of chipping away the layers of the anxiety that has covered me for so long, i am managing to see that that girl is still there. When anxiety isn't there i am this laughing, appreciative, not so antsy girl. I make people laugh, i am comfortable in my own skin, and though my mind still works a mile a minute i am kind of use to it, and it has kind of help in some ways with my writing.

I'm not feeling so down in the dump these days, I'm not seconds away from panic attacks, and when i do get the nerve to talk to people i can do it. I'm actually pretty charming and warm towards those i chose to interact with. It's just those small steps toward getting to that point which is difficult, which i when i really get nervous but which i am relentlessly working on.

I don't know if Prozac is my answer. I don't know that it would help(and grant it I don't know if it wouldn't) but i do know that right now, today, i am not in a high state of anxiety that i need something to ease it. I believe a year ago i probably would have needed it, it would have helped me deal with things and people very differently than i did.

But as of today and this minute i don't know if it will do any good or harm to me. I was so ready for it 2 weeks ago when it was brought up during my session, i was hoping that it would some quick fix to whatever i was going through. But my own nervousness about it, makes me question taking it.

I was always been one who loves going through the process. For me writing is a process, that's why i like doing it so much. I get to sort the mess, find truth and honesty in what i find, and from that i discover more about myself than i could have ever imagined. Perhaps that is the route i am taking with life. I am sorting through the mess one step at a time. I am searching for the comfortable me and with that trying to increase the anxiety.

I what i have realized is that i am comfortable with the process. With the tension, with the sorting through the mess, it gives me purpose, it gives me insight, it makes me who i am.

And though i now taking medication won't take that away from, i can't risk losing the fun of the process. I never realized how much it has allowed me to grow. It has given me bad days, tense days, and lonely days. But a part of that makes me me. Apart of that is special because i have grown with it.

I want to get better, but at a rate i am comfortable with. I kind of want to get better by going through the struggle, by having a little road blocks in my way, it's made me who i am. I couldn't imagine it going away or becoming any easier.

And for now that process does not include Prozac.

I'd just like to see how far i can go without for a while.

I feel like i have gotten so far without it, climbing over more mountains and hills than ever before. And because i constantly like to push myself, i figure I should just keep doing what i am doing because it's gotten me this far.

But the moment it because a little harder than i can bear, the moment where i need something to lessen the pain, i can always get a prescription, it will always be there.

Right?

Right.

Time to study or watch TV i haven't decided yet.

Beckett

P.S. The grammy's was amazing last night and i have decided to have an affair with Justin Timberlake. Sufjan will just have to forgive me.