I am constantly wearing a scarlet letter.
I have never read the book but i did see the movie with Demi Moore and Gary Oldman( i know...BAD) .
The short boy and his short girlfriend are making me feel like the other woman. I do not believe it is intentional, but i can't help but feel like a scuzzy whore when i walk past him and his fiance who suddenly get really quiet and avert their eyes.
He now only acknowledges my existence when she isn't their. This coldness is coming from the kid who only months earlier was hugging me in an aisle because he said i looked huggable. Now i not only get the cold shoulder but a glare that is causing me to dislike him and his uber nice girlfriend.
But in good news: William(the kid who works with me, the one i described as smelling like garbage) said he hasn't talked to me in long while and missed that. Like he actually wants to talk to me. ME. He wants too talk to me about things. WTF. I smiled, and gave him some cereal from my secret stash. I must work on talking to him, because clearly he likes talking to me.
Today i went to therapy. It's been a while since my last visit(or should i say confession). I must say i am learning a lot at therapy, i can even see the changes in my attitude and demeanor. As soon as i walk into her room i am like "OMG!!! You won't believe the week i had...", it wasn't until a couple of days ago that i began realize that i am not really that anxious anymore( ignore the art boy entry for the time being). I mean not in the "I'm drowning please get me out" way.
With anxiety not being such a focal point in my life I'm trying to find myself after being in it's shadow for so long. But now I am not merely awkward because i fear saying something stupid, but also a little awkward because well...i don't know how to interact with the people i have been hiding from for so long.
I remember last year i wrote a lot about feeling disconnected from people. But i never really realized apart of those disconnections were because of me. Apart of me doesn't get too close to anyone, i stay a fair distance away, looking on wanting to be apart of the crowd, but not feeling adequate enough to join them.
My whole life i have escaped things. Leaving situations and people before seeing what the outcome would be. Sometimes i feel like i am use to leaving in the middle of an important game, or movie. I never find out what happened, who won, who lost, and i don't get to witness any great moments in between. I'm just moving on to a new game, with the old one fresh on my mind, yearning to find out what happened.
I have never read the book but i did see the movie with Demi Moore and Gary Oldman( i know...BAD) .
The short boy and his short girlfriend are making me feel like the other woman. I do not believe it is intentional, but i can't help but feel like a scuzzy whore when i walk past him and his fiance who suddenly get really quiet and avert their eyes.
He now only acknowledges my existence when she isn't their. This coldness is coming from the kid who only months earlier was hugging me in an aisle because he said i looked huggable. Now i not only get the cold shoulder but a glare that is causing me to dislike him and his uber nice girlfriend.
But in good news: William(the kid who works with me, the one i described as smelling like garbage) said he hasn't talked to me in long while and missed that. Like he actually wants to talk to me. ME. He wants too talk to me about things. WTF. I smiled, and gave him some cereal from my secret stash. I must work on talking to him, because clearly he likes talking to me.
Today i went to therapy. It's been a while since my last visit(or should i say confession). I must say i am learning a lot at therapy, i can even see the changes in my attitude and demeanor. As soon as i walk into her room i am like "OMG!!! You won't believe the week i had...", it wasn't until a couple of days ago that i began realize that i am not really that anxious anymore( ignore the art boy entry for the time being). I mean not in the "I'm drowning please get me out" way.
With anxiety not being such a focal point in my life I'm trying to find myself after being in it's shadow for so long. But now I am not merely awkward because i fear saying something stupid, but also a little awkward because well...i don't know how to interact with the people i have been hiding from for so long.
I remember last year i wrote a lot about feeling disconnected from people. But i never really realized apart of those disconnections were because of me. Apart of me doesn't get too close to anyone, i stay a fair distance away, looking on wanting to be apart of the crowd, but not feeling adequate enough to join them.
My whole life i have escaped things. Leaving situations and people before seeing what the outcome would be. Sometimes i feel like i am use to leaving in the middle of an important game, or movie. I never find out what happened, who won, who lost, and i don't get to witness any great moments in between. I'm just moving on to a new game, with the old one fresh on my mind, yearning to find out what happened.
That is my way with people. I'm good with introductions, i give a little bit of myself, and then retreat, not even waiting to see what could happened if i stayed awhile. My disconnections in large part are coming from me. I turn people away before the good stuff happens.
My therapists says it's because I'm afraid. Afraid of the process, the middle part, because the middel part of the game is where we are most vulnerable, when we are at our greatest risk. And maybe that's why i always leave before the good things happen. Before i can see the outcome, because that is where it matters the most, where the risks are high.
But I'm sick of walking around with my scarlet letters. I'm sick of being Ashamed, Embarrassed, and down right Afraid of being who i am. I desperately want connections, because we all need them. It's apart of the process, and for once I'm beginning to think i deserve the good things. I deserve them.
Scarlett letter for today:
W for Worthy
1 comment:
You DO deserve them. You DO.
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