Every year i wake up saying "Happy Valen-tombs-Day". It's the first thing i say in the morning even though i kind of like this "day of Love". Surprisingly Valentines is my not my least favorite holiday, you'd think all the signs of love (kissing, hand holding couples) would have driven me over the edge these past couple of years, but it hasn't at all made me bitter.
I don't really see Valentines day as some day where couples rejoice. For me it's just another day, where i get to be in love with the idea of love. Love in general is a really interesting thing. It's odd and awkward and not at all something I'm comfortable with, but the idea of it is pleasing. The idea that someone one day will me hard enough to celebrate a cheesy holiday. Not because because he has to or wants to, but because he knows that any day just to show me how much he loves me is worth celebrating, be it Valentines or Easter.
Regardless of my ambivalent feelings toward Valentines day... it is quite a cheesy Holiday. I mean Hallmark is racking up in sales with their lame cards(wow i just turned a little bitter).
At my school there are these boys from some church who stand around campus handing out carnations to all the ladies. Since freshman year i have received these awful flowers with the message "Jesus Love You this Valentines day". ????? Alright, I'm glad Jesus loves me, but i don't really want a flower that i now have to walk around with the whole day amongst a million other girls with the same flower.
So after opening my Valentines gift my mom left me on Saturday(candy candy candy), i headed out onto the COLD streets avoiding the flower givers at all cost. it was tough i was dodging and ducking and taking long routes to avoid them. But i managed to avoid getting a flower shoved in my face all, and that's almost an impossible thing to do.
I sent an email to my teacher again this weekend. I plan on sending him a question every 2 weeks so he knows that i am paying attention and that i get participation points. The last time i sent him an email i had to experience him reading it out in front of the whole class. I almost died. But, i figured that if keep sending him emails the worst that could happen was that he would read it in front of the class. So this weekend i made an effort to come up with a question though i didn't have one on my mind.
After i came up with one, i sent the email and expected on Monday(because he hadn't emailed me back) that he would say something in class. But to my surprise(and disappointment) he didn't say anything. He didn't even talk about the poem i had a question about. I was pretty bummed because i thought that perhaps my question was too vague. So needless to say i was not expecting to hear him call my name when class ended today.
I was packing up my stuff when i heard a very soft voice say "Beckett". I looked up to see no other than my "I don't smoke, drink, and i live on a farm" professor suddenly look like a nervous undergrad. I at first thought i was in trouble...because i always assume when a professors tone gets serious than clearly trouble has caused it.
So i headed up to the desk a little nervous as he pulled some papers from his briefcase. In his hand was the email that i wrote him and he went on to say "this is some really smart stuff"
WTF?
He went on to tell me that i was right on with the way i was reading poetry, and that i should write my paper(due at the end of the semester) on what i had theorized. He seemed generally interested in what i had written and what i had to say. It wasn't a long conversation but it was pretty awesome. I have never had a professor call me after class to TALK.
It was highly intimate to be lingering after class with him talking about my writing which is of course is very intimate to me. He said he will bring up what i wrote on Friday and that i could email him a rough draft before turning anything in.
The cute teacher who one girl dresses up for, thinks I'M smart. He thinks i'm smart. He knows my name and he thinks i'm smart. Take that Josh(i'm sorry i just got bitter again)
After this small boost to my confidence i headed off to work. Since Shorts Boys fiance started working there he's been pretty rude to me. His once "hey whats up" has now become a grunt. Like a "Mmm Hmm". It's the most annoying noise ever, and makes me feel like a skank. I don't know why but it just does. His fiance though is very nice in a meek sort of way. As soon as i opened the door to the office she was right there. I was very polite, offered her some candy, laughed about something and then went on my way.
The whole day there was awkward tension between him towards me. As soon as i came around to put some books on my cart he would leave never staying in the same vicinity as me for long periods of time. I feel like i've done something wrong and he's taking it out on me.
After math class it was the same way. He barely said anything to me and every time i walked near him or his fiance they would get really silent. He would wait until i left to say something to her and i felt even more like a whore. I don't know why.
I ignored his coldness trying to not let it get to me, even though it did.
Then after shelving some books and daydreaming i headed back to the office where i talked to my co-workers for 10 minutes. Of course i wasn't planning on staying after and talking until Shawn(kid i work with, kind of hot) asked me to stay and talk with them for a while.
I think my problem with talking to people is that i am not clear if they actually want to talk to me. Once someone makes it apparent that they want to talk to me (like saying "hey Beckett stay and talk) i am totally comfortable and laughing around them.
I have this sense that i not interesting to be around. That people possibly can't want to talk to me. So i don't make an effort to even start up a conversation. I kind of wait for cues that i am wanted before i complete allow myself to be me.
It's funny how much self esteem i feel i have only to realize that i don't have that much at all.I feel like i need to reminded that i am okay or i will retreat to where no one can question if I am okay.
But i'm working on it. And for 10 minutes after work i seemed to be doing an okay job of that.
My Valentines wasn't that bad. I mean sure there wasn't any declarations of love from a secret admirer, or even a smile from a certain crush. But i feel okay about today. I feel okay.
Happy Valentines day.
I don't really see Valentines day as some day where couples rejoice. For me it's just another day, where i get to be in love with the idea of love. Love in general is a really interesting thing. It's odd and awkward and not at all something I'm comfortable with, but the idea of it is pleasing. The idea that someone one day will me hard enough to celebrate a cheesy holiday. Not because because he has to or wants to, but because he knows that any day just to show me how much he loves me is worth celebrating, be it Valentines or Easter.
Regardless of my ambivalent feelings toward Valentines day... it is quite a cheesy Holiday. I mean Hallmark is racking up in sales with their lame cards(wow i just turned a little bitter).
At my school there are these boys from some church who stand around campus handing out carnations to all the ladies. Since freshman year i have received these awful flowers with the message "Jesus Love You this Valentines day". ????? Alright, I'm glad Jesus loves me, but i don't really want a flower that i now have to walk around with the whole day amongst a million other girls with the same flower.
So after opening my Valentines gift my mom left me on Saturday(candy candy candy), i headed out onto the COLD streets avoiding the flower givers at all cost. it was tough i was dodging and ducking and taking long routes to avoid them. But i managed to avoid getting a flower shoved in my face all, and that's almost an impossible thing to do.
I sent an email to my teacher again this weekend. I plan on sending him a question every 2 weeks so he knows that i am paying attention and that i get participation points. The last time i sent him an email i had to experience him reading it out in front of the whole class. I almost died. But, i figured that if keep sending him emails the worst that could happen was that he would read it in front of the class. So this weekend i made an effort to come up with a question though i didn't have one on my mind.
After i came up with one, i sent the email and expected on Monday(because he hadn't emailed me back) that he would say something in class. But to my surprise(and disappointment) he didn't say anything. He didn't even talk about the poem i had a question about. I was pretty bummed because i thought that perhaps my question was too vague. So needless to say i was not expecting to hear him call my name when class ended today.
I was packing up my stuff when i heard a very soft voice say "Beckett". I looked up to see no other than my "I don't smoke, drink, and i live on a farm" professor suddenly look like a nervous undergrad. I at first thought i was in trouble...because i always assume when a professors tone gets serious than clearly trouble has caused it.
So i headed up to the desk a little nervous as he pulled some papers from his briefcase. In his hand was the email that i wrote him and he went on to say "this is some really smart stuff"
WTF?
He went on to tell me that i was right on with the way i was reading poetry, and that i should write my paper(due at the end of the semester) on what i had theorized. He seemed generally interested in what i had written and what i had to say. It wasn't a long conversation but it was pretty awesome. I have never had a professor call me after class to TALK.
It was highly intimate to be lingering after class with him talking about my writing which is of course is very intimate to me. He said he will bring up what i wrote on Friday and that i could email him a rough draft before turning anything in.
The cute teacher who one girl dresses up for, thinks I'M smart. He thinks i'm smart. He knows my name and he thinks i'm smart. Take that Josh(i'm sorry i just got bitter again)
After this small boost to my confidence i headed off to work. Since Shorts Boys fiance started working there he's been pretty rude to me. His once "hey whats up" has now become a grunt. Like a "Mmm Hmm". It's the most annoying noise ever, and makes me feel like a skank. I don't know why but it just does. His fiance though is very nice in a meek sort of way. As soon as i opened the door to the office she was right there. I was very polite, offered her some candy, laughed about something and then went on my way.
The whole day there was awkward tension between him towards me. As soon as i came around to put some books on my cart he would leave never staying in the same vicinity as me for long periods of time. I feel like i've done something wrong and he's taking it out on me.
After math class it was the same way. He barely said anything to me and every time i walked near him or his fiance they would get really silent. He would wait until i left to say something to her and i felt even more like a whore. I don't know why.
I ignored his coldness trying to not let it get to me, even though it did.
Then after shelving some books and daydreaming i headed back to the office where i talked to my co-workers for 10 minutes. Of course i wasn't planning on staying after and talking until Shawn(kid i work with, kind of hot) asked me to stay and talk with them for a while.
I think my problem with talking to people is that i am not clear if they actually want to talk to me. Once someone makes it apparent that they want to talk to me (like saying "hey Beckett stay and talk) i am totally comfortable and laughing around them.
I have this sense that i not interesting to be around. That people possibly can't want to talk to me. So i don't make an effort to even start up a conversation. I kind of wait for cues that i am wanted before i complete allow myself to be me.
It's funny how much self esteem i feel i have only to realize that i don't have that much at all.I feel like i need to reminded that i am okay or i will retreat to where no one can question if I am okay.
But i'm working on it. And for 10 minutes after work i seemed to be doing an okay job of that.
My Valentines wasn't that bad. I mean sure there wasn't any declarations of love from a secret admirer, or even a smile from a certain crush. But i feel okay about today. I feel okay.
Happy Valentines day.
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