I'm beginning to think that everyone is lying about there so called happy lives. Or at least that is what i am telling myself, to convince me of my own happiness with my life. Who knows.
It's been a frustrating week, and my therapist got to hear all of my frustrations yesterday afternoon.
Sometimes I think it is weird that i go to therapy. That i have social anxiety, that I'm self conscious, and worrisome. Especially when some days I don't see myself as this horribly screwed up person. Not compared to everyone else i encounter throughout the day.
There is a part of me that is introverted and reserved. I like staying in bed longer than i need too. On weekends, i don't need some excuse to leave the comfort of my room. I like staying under the covers and lying in bed, until my bones feel ready to get up. It's warm under the comforter. That sort of warm that reminds you of a first sip of cocoa or something. With a book i swear that i am going to finish eventually (Atlas Shrugged) or a note pad to write my thoughts on, i like the quiet moments of life, especially in the morning. I just pull up the blinds, so my room can get some sun, turn on some Sufjan Stevens and enjoy my time alone. The beauty of it is only broken when a voice from the hallway breaks the solitude.
I am happy with the simple aspects of life. I don't call it mediocre. But simple. And i guess the friends that i am looking for will be as content with the simple aspects of their life too. Of course people are complicated, that's what is alluring about us, but i want friends who enjoy the silence as much as the big bang.
There of course are the other parts of me that are extroverted. I'm silly and goofy and tad bit adventurous. But i cherish the contemplative side more. Because it's more intimate and real.
But this week, it seems like people are flaunting there lives in my face, as if i should take note, and follow suit and I too will live the "wonderful life".
Despite my anxiety, self consciousness, and all the in betweens, some days i am pleasantly happy with my life. Those days don't come often, but lately I've been feeling that high. Even with the bullshit parts of my life, i can find an element of it that makes me happy. I understand that i don't have the relationships that i desire, but the person i have been able to become from my alone time, is pretty amazing.
Unfortunately this content high with the solitary life isn't catching on.
Amanda has extremely been bitchy this week. With the introduction of Chad, and this other guy at work (Alex), she has ditched me hard core for inappropriate elevator rides and giggles. Yes it's been only three days (including Wednesday) since he's (the Chad) been there but the bitch has come out. In front of any guy she finds attractive at the office, she has this need to antagonize me in front of them. Why do you wear your hair like that? Why are you wearing that shirt? Yadda, yadda, yadda. In place of my "non femininity" she asserts her own, after she makes her comments about me. As if she is better than me in some way, because i'm not a girl whose flashy.
The suitemate, who i had an amazing conversation with at the beginning of this semester, is a total loony bird. Other than that night, i've haven't said much too her just hi whenever i see her. But sometimes i feel like i see her too much, like those accidental bump in's aren't really accidental. One weekend i saw her at least five times, and all five times we said hi. At first i was like, yeah she wants to be my friend, that's cool, but now i'm like "this bitch is crazy".
I have to eat in a dinning hall four days out of the week to live in my dorm. It sucks hard core. Not only do i not want to be there, but i have to force myself to eat. I have come to a point where i don't mind sitting alone. One day when we were both waiting for the door to open i started a conversation with her. To be friendly. As soon as we get into the dinning, and i take my seat she keeps walking in front of my table as if i was suppose to wave her over. She did it so many times, trying to get my attention but i just kept pretending like i was eating.
She has also begun talking loudly on her phone in her room, as to signify she is in there and having a blast talking to whoever is on the other end (which i suspect is no one). Then on Wednesday,we were waiting outside again. We were sort of talking, and then I started listening to my music again. She looked over at this girl who was standing next to her and complimented her on the shirt she was wearing. The girl said thank you, and then returned talking to her friend. When i took my seat a couple of minutes later, the suitemate made a note of passing right by me, and sitting next to the girl who she complimented. The girl and her friends made a weird look, like "who they hell are you". It was as if she throwing it in my face, this fake pseudo happiness with friends, as i sat down by myself thoroughly enjoying my book and salad.
It's been a week of people throwing their lives in my face, even if they don't realize it. And as it happens, I wonder what's so wrong with my life that people criticize it. I mean Amanda has such a shittastic relationship and loony bird, recently had the campus police over because some girl threatened to kick her ass.
Whether it be a girl who decides to grab her boyfriends had and tenderly draw into him as i approach, or two people who decide to get rather chatty as soon I step into line. I'm to think that everyone is just lying. That some aspects of relationships are just for show. Like people validate themselves the presence of others. Because if you are seen with someone, then that means you are loved, and you are special, and a loner like me.
A loner who sometimes doesn't mind being alone.
Liars. Pleasantly content liars.
I'm not saying that everyone is liar. But there is something odd about having to validate your normalcy in public. And maybe it's because i'm a private and reserved person, i just don't get the need to do so. I would rather have the strong friendships behind closed doors, than fake one's that everyone can see and envy.
Sometimes i feel like everyone is wearing a mask. Like i'm attending a masquerade ball, but i'm the only one who didn't get the memo. Everyone is wearing the my life is beautiful mask. Because i have friends, and a boyfriend, and smiles and laughs. And it's fucking irritating. Very irritating, because even though i know under those fake smiling faces, is a complicated person afraid to be flawed, i want too want to slip on that mask every once in a while, and pretend just like everyone else that "everything is beautiful and nothing hurts".
But i guess i'm not that good of a liar.
5 comments:
Everybody wears a shell when they are in public. Most of the people you'll ever meet will be fake. Everybody has problems but most people never display them out in the open. They only allow you to see what they want you to see. Most people pretend to be your friends bu trust me they'll sell you out in a heart beat just so that they can fit in with the in crowd. Me personally I say fuck them I'd rather have a few good friends than ten lame ass friends. What I've come to understand is that some days are going to be good but most days you're going to have to really struggle just to hang in there. It's important not to loose sight of your goals and some days you just got to let them play out. I know this won't solve your problems but hopefully it'll help you feel normal. I think you're brave putting yourself out like that. Me I tried sharing my life blogin but I just couldn't open up like you. we all have problems. keep being as real as you can be. see you in space
I think you're right. I mean the people who seem generally real are the one's who aren't hiding behind a million other people. But they are hard to find, probably because they are as reserved as i am.
I kept telling the therapist that i just wanted to say "Fuck You" to the people i have encountered who just are all surface.
But if i did that a lot of people would be told off.
And blogging is very hard. Sometimes i'm like "should i be writing this", but by keeping some things to myself like "location and where i go to school" i have a little privacy which allows me to admit all my faults in space.
Very thoughtful--and beautiful-- post, Hughes--
I wrote a poem several years ago that directly addressed some of your major concerns...
I had decided to hold off from posting it for a little while, but the time seems right. I hope that no one recognizes it as mine.
Thank you for sharing as much of yourself as you do; you are complex--and so much fun.
i read about amanda and the suitemate and i feel sorry for them. it's INSECURITY and immaturity shrieking loudly, from both girls. It sounds like the suitemate would like to be friends with you - why are you so adamantly pushing against that?
going to therapy doesn't mean you're some kind of crazed maniac. it just means you're trying to be thoughtful and insightful about your own life.
the other thing, which i learned to my great sadness post-college, is that most people really do not have a clue how to interact with shy or introverted people. they think they can just push you to be "like them," and then (once, of course, you become like them) they will know how to deal with you. silence, aloneness, thoughtfulness - these things are really SCARY to a lot of people. they can't get why anyone would want to dwell in those places. they think they are helping you.
next time amanda criticizes you, just ask her quietly why it matters to her. she's making herself look really shitty in front of other people (and trust me, if even they say nothing, those other people SEE her shittiness).
you're pretty awesome, beckett, and you do an amazing job of withstanding the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and every day life.
don't forget to let me know when you're doing King Lear so i can read along!
Jack:
I must check out the poetry post. I use to hate the stuff, but having to write it for my creative writing class, i'm sort of drawn to the lyrical aspects of it.
Frogboots:
There is something too eager about the suitmate that turns me off. I allow people to choose me as their friends only to deal with the weight of their lives in the process. And i guess with her, she is just coming on too strong, and it's something i don't find appealing but rather overwhelming. If she would just let things fall into place it would be another story. But forcing a friendship is a sure sign that things are not going to work.
And i've haven't forgotten about King Lear. I'm looking forward to our book club venture with Shakespeare.
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