Work Ethic does not equal Schoraly Ethic.

I am an amazing worker.



I don't want to boast about my kickassness at work (the university library)...but i get shit done. And i get shit done well. After my first disastrous work experience, where i was fired a month after being hired, i took it as a personal attack on my skills. Not that i had much skills making fries and asking customers what the hell they wanted to eat...but i walked in every night with a good attitude even when most of those nights were shitty.



I actually like working because i like starting, working on, and eventually completing tasks. I could not have a job where not only was i sitting on my ass all day but i was not being productive in some way. I'm not saying that library isn't one of those jobs (because it kind of is) but there is at least an end result to all the shelving. Books are put in their right place, and order is restored to the world.



My boss wonders where i get all the energy to admittedly start working when i get there. I tell her i don't know, i just like things to get done.



I wish i could say that i have applied my work ethic to school. But that would be a lie and lying isn't cool. When it comes to actual school work i am procrastinator. You know the saying "she is relying on pretty" on everything that she does. Well i'm relying on smart, and that isn't getting me too far. Because i know that i am not an idiot i don't really apply myself like i should. It's been about 3-4 weeks since school started and i can barely drag myself to class without yawning.



I am running on little sleep during the week. With six classes i barely know what day it is yet alone what class i am suppose to be going to. I drank as much coffee as i can, jet off to work and then class, am exhausted by the time i get to class, head back to my dorm, because of the exhausation i take a nap, only to be awake at night, to then wake up to an early morning.



My routine is thrown all off track, and adjusting to it has been harder than i thought. This still doesn't excuse my general procrastination but it has enhanced it some. I'm just lagging behind and struggling to get back on the ball. I have so much to do and no idea how to squeeze it into my schedule.


I'll figure it out somwhere in between naps.



SOOO.....I applied to two grad schools in janauary. I could only do two (due to the "I'm going crazy week). The truth is, despite my love of writing...i have no portfolio. Portfolio's, i have learned, are important, because it is an accumulation of your work which can easily be distributed when the time is right. Or when you have to apply to grad school. My stress level would have been a lot lower if i already had stories, if i had the time to write.



The story i turned in...was kind of sucky. What i wanted to do with it would have taken a while, so i turned in a draft. My therapist (who i see tomorrow) is delicately trying to prepare me for rejection because he knows that i don't deal with it well.



I however, am okay with not getting into a writing program right this minute. I mean i realize how important it is for me to go to grad school. I can be taught really great professors and professionals, be immersed in a community that focuses on fiction and screen writing, and hell i could met some really cool and hot people . But.. and this is a big one I am exhausted from school, and though i know the perils of taking a year off, i know the benefits my body and my work could recieve from having the time to do so. From not being in a classroom just for a while.



So i have planned that if grad school won't work this year ( meaning i don't get accpeted) I am moving to New Haven, Conneticut. Because the coast of living in New York is insane and i have to look for an alternative living area. A place where i can get a job, take the year off, and write in between living. My aunt suggested New Haven, because they have a metro which runs directly to the city. It's a two hour trip, but if i wanted to i could live and work according to my needs.



It's sort of an impulsive decision. Going off for a year to a place i've never been to, to work, to write, and to start fresh. But i think i need that more than anything right now. It is plan B and all, but i sounds pleasant to my ears



And if this doesn't say somthing, Haven means: A place of shelter, safety, or retreat; a refuge; an asylum.



Ignoring the asylum part, this is clearly affirming something, even if i am not so sure of what that something is.