...Well if that's the case I'm in trouble!
It was interesting waking up to this yahoo news this morning after a sleepless night and week of stress. I don't think I have ever felt so depleted in my whole entire life.
Because I sometimes find comfort in numbers and schedules, I am counting down the days I've been here. I've counted the days I've been on a job search, and the days I've been babysitting a three year old, the days I've been antsy and near tears. It's only been 14-15 days by my calculation, which in essence is not a long time. But the stress of this job search, combined with not having my own personal space, is freaking me out. And/or stressing me out.
The biofeedback lady I went to 2 years ago, said my body didn't handle stress well. I actually didn't need a professional to tell me that, but hearing her say "your body is so stressed right now you are almost a corpse" was a little unnerving.
I vacillate between extremely optimistic and on the verge of tears must days. It's a weird sort of chaotic balance that i haven't been use to for a while. Without the safety of college, or even my mom and house Anxiety doesn't have any place to function. At least with those anchors, there was an emotional place for Anxiety to work. Without that structure, Anxiety is working like a bacteria, attacking my body and wearing me down.
Despite my luncheon yesterday, i have been critical of the thing ever since. "i shouldn't have said this/i should have said this/Damn I'm awkward!!". When i went to bed last night, I keep thinking "too little, too late" about the whole situation. Maybe I've completely let a big opportunity slip through my hands, and all i have left is more stress and a potential cancer risk.
I've made a decision about interning, but i feel like my ungraceful answers combined with the whole "i want to be a writer" thing may have messed up my chances. BIG TIME.
I've been evoking some Joan Didion lately via an essay i read by a writer who moved to city because he thought it was the place for writing. Of course he soon became disillusioned by the city, and discovered it wasn't what he imagined it to be. He eventually left, feeling neither success or failure for his time spent there, but a sense of incompleteness with his journey. I have just begun the Didion essay, but i figure (since he referenced it in his essay) it is about the same disillusionment she felt with the city.
Though i was born here, my 10 year absence has made readjustment difficult. The City is like an old friend. A friend who i left on good terms. But after ten years, and my sudden reappearance I feel like we are just two very different people. We either have to find the things in one again that attracted us in the first place, or part...still on good terms but without all the expectations that shrouded our reunion.
I hope things get better. I really hate boring you with my readjustment problems.
1 comment:
reading your wednesday post really lifted my spirits, which have been quite flat of late.
first: GO GET A MASSAGE. take $40 of your hard-earned money, and get a half-hour massage. if you have never had one, you cannot imagine the positive effects of it. i'll probably be scheduling one soon myself.
second: in my comment to the post from wednesday, i encouraged you to try for the internship.
third: carve out space and time for yourself. is there a park nearby where you can go read or write or listen to your iPod and daydream? a library? pack a picnic lunch for yourself and take some lounging time. everything will work out, and probably work out pretty well, in time, so make sure you take care of yourself in the meantime. don't get eaten up with that damn Anxiety. banish it to the doghouse.
fourth: turn babysitting into something you enjoy. take the Baby to a park, a children's museum, a museum with dinosaurs, or just watch a good Disney movie or two with her. scope out the internet for some kid-friendly recipes, and get her into the kitchen and bake. you like baking, little kids like eating - it's a package deal.
fifth: your friend frogboots is always, always here if you need someone to talk to. venting, bitching, talking out anxiety, gossiping about Project Runway - whatever. i've got your back. if you want to actually talk (like telephone), shoot me an email and i'll pass along my secret telephony numbers.
and remember how damn kickass you are. you had ROOFTOP LUNCHEON IN SOHO, with an Editor!
you know what I did yesterday? I went to therapy, and watched Bravo, and wore pajamas all day. i think i know who wins.
so, as MY therapist often reminds me: focus on the positives. if you have to make a list of them, do it.
and i am very serious about talking if you want/need to.
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