I am on a serious 'new' job hunt. I am still toying with the idea of grad school, but the other option is simply to find something in my career that isn't soul crushing and boring. I am completely okay with leaving the state of new york for this job. Everyone from grandma's to 5 year old are trying to break into the business of writing, acting, and other creative ventures. It's sort of a drag. I would love to move to a new place, build something of a career in 2 years and then move back here with a secure job in editorial work. Or I could go to grad school. I am not doing so well in the decision making department.
I am looking at some literary magazines all over the US and for reasons unknown (OK, it may have had something to do with a spread in GQ featuring an ever so handsome Scott Speedman) been drawn to Maine. Yes, this state has too been added to my increasing list of places to live and work or maybe even go to school. The area is beautiful (and bound to inspire me), there are some pretty good magazines in the fair state, and I have a slight crush on people who wear (and can rock) flannel t-shirts. I am not jumping ship today, packing my bags, and moving to Maine. I still have a lot of other opportunities to consider along with this one.
I want to write. I am completely inept without it. And the real challenge seems to be balancing this need with everything else. Today I talked to Marie for two hours, and she was telling me about her loneliness. She hates living alone, and does not find cooking for one a fun thing. She has a real people's job, she has a real people's car, and she has a real people's apartment yet she is lonely. I try to cheer her up as much as I can, but the truth is...for someone who doesn't have any of those things I don't really know how she feels. I want a career, and a job, and a form of transportation that does not involve paying a cab driver.
With anxiety, I have learned to be okay with the silence. Sure I want to welcome someone in to it, and I have been doing a hell of a job making friends...but I'm okay by myself. I would welcome an apartment where I get to make (and bake) anything I wanted...anytime. This week I have four, count them, FOUR days off and much of that will be spent applying to all these places for jobs. I feel productive. Real productive.
I no longer have a crush on the older hot elementary school teacher at my job. It was a short term thing that went no where fast. Let me explain.
He pretty much ignores me at work. Like ignores ignores. It's the weirdest thing ever. At work, I am sort of like an actor. The customer service is my stage and within the weird circle desk I am Anne Hathaway. I take a huge breath before I start my shift and for the whole day I am a personable, talkative employee who is nice to customers and who fakes excitement at all the things the managers wish to teach me.
Inside I am a complete mess. I feel nervous and antsy and I wish I was in a corner somewhere reading a book about anxiety. But I can't break down, so i just trudge along and do the best i can. Which seems to be working, because almost everyone likes me ( i inadvertently pissed off the cafe manager because i asked him to get something off a shelf for me. The thing was too high for me to reach, and when i ran into him I asked him if he could get it for me. "you're a tall person, so i figured I'd come ask you instead of climbing the shelves in the back". The next day he gave me the stank eye in the cafe, got an attitude after asking for my employee numbers (for the discount) and then shoved the six cents in my hand and growled "I didn't forget that you called me a "tall person". I mean this was not in a funny way, he seemed actually mad a me. And he made my hand hurt. Weirdo).
But besides him, and a few people in music...everyone likes me. Except Mike. Not only does he ignore me, but it's so evident that he ignores me that my crush has quickly turned to dislike. He's not even friendly towards me. It's like I am not there. Like he can't use the computer that i am on because an invisible force field has suddenly occupied the space. It's weird, but more annoying.
I have however attracted the interest of a maintenance guy who i made the mistake of having a long conversation with a few weeks ago. He was hired to keep things clean around the store, but instead is bent on making his way up from cleaning bathrooms and taking out the garbage. His goal, at this time, is to get hired as a bookseller and be able to do the job that i do. Instead of cleaning, he sometimes hangs out at customer service and helps customers. Though this is no problem for me or anyone else, the managers hate it and have told him repeatedly to do the job they hired him for.
So a few weeks ago, he noticed that i was sad. He asked me what was wrong and I admitted that I was kind of homesick. He spent the rest of the day trying to cheer me up, which was sweet in that "who the hell are you anyway" kind of gesture. Even though, i had no idea why someone I have only said hi too occasionally would try so hard to make me happy, I thought it was nice of him.
The next time i came to work, I noticed that he was all of a sudden in a funk. He had the same pouty face that I had, and I felt the need to ask him what was wrong. How do i get myself in these situations. He went on to tell me that him and his 'girlfriend' are having problems and that she recently broke off their engagement. It was only later that I found out this 'girlfriend' was one he met through a weird on line gaming community, and they may have never met in real life. At the time however, all i knew was that him and his girlfriend were going through a rough patch and he needed someone to talk to.
Though i am not interested in getting into anyone else's business. I heard him out the rest of the night. He described how romantic he was with her over the phone and that every night he would tell her that she was the most important person to him. He could not understand why she no longer had an interest in having a relationship with him, and that he was a good guy.
I was sort of creeped out by this conversation, mainly because I don't really know him. And even more, he would not stop talking about how he is such a good boyfriend. He followed me around the whole store, asking me questions about relationships, what he should do, and "wouldn't I appreciate things like that". No actually i wouldn't. I don't want to hear some corny crap like that every night before bed. I guess I just need something more than words. WAY MORE THAN WORDS.
By the end of the shift, he asked me to join the website him and his online girlfriend met on. I said I would do so after I completed a few stories. On his way out he said "Alright Angel, I'll talk to you later". Did i mention he asked me for my phone number, and I actually gave it to him because I was afraid. He's a nice guy, but that's where it stops. He is tall, and balding and has talked about his collection of guns. The manager asked him if he knew the unabomber (in a joking way) but behind every joke is a small glimmer of "no...but do you really know or are affiliated with him".
During my long conversation with Marie we talked about guys, because what 22 year old girl doesn't. I think we are at a weird place where we are evaluating what we want in all areas of our lives, including the people we wish to share it with. I have a list of things that i don't want and a slim grasp on what I do want. But we both agreed that dating a dude whose only aspiration is to become a bookseller...not the brightest move.
I have been avoiding him the last few days only because I think my niceness may have been perceived as a general interest. I have contemplated making up a fake boyfriend, just so he knows that I am nice to everyone. And that my ability to listen has nothing to do with being madly deeply in love with him.
I wonder, if i move Maine will i meet any really hot lumberjacks. You know a smart, handy, goal orientated lumberjack who kind of looks like Scott Speedman and can carry a conversation. I don't even know if Maine has lumberjacks, but it is something to consider in my expanding list. I don't want him to particularly to cut down trees as a profession, but to wear flannel and chop wood to put in the fireplace I will never use.
Maine? Maybe.
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