The Final Girl.

Today is Halloween, and I do not have a costume. Apparently capes are not 'in' anymore and I refuse to pay $40.00 for a red sweater with a hoodie (even though my aunt reminded me that I could return said sweater the next day). So instead I am going to go as a broke college graduate questioning her career, relationships and general outlook of the future.

I have not heard back from the 2nd Editor, and I am hoping that with the holiday (Halloween) and the election on Tuesday that he will notify this upcoming Wednesday about the internship. I have checked their website everyday, and no new name has appeared under the internship list. For a site that updates daily, I figure they would also update their staff contacts...and so far the same four interns remain on the list. This could be a good sign. At least until next Wednesday.

I wish people could see how much passion I have for writing. Sometimes during interviews I am so nervous I can't seem to get my point across. The questions that get me all caught up should be the easiest to answer: Tell me something about yourself and where do you see yourself in five years. I always stumble with these two questions mainly because I don't know the answer to any of them.

I just know that I am complicated person who loves writing but cannot seem to get much of it done without someone guiding me in a general direction. I want to get into publishing only because it will provide a stable income while I attempt to write. This does not mean that I don't have an interest in publishing but I couldn't give up writing for it. I am person ruled by her emotions and I cannot work at a place that I do not believe in. I am reliable and passionate and am willing to learn. Sometimes I need someone to remind me of our objective, not because I am forgetful but just because I want to make sure we are on the same plane. I see a lot of potential in my future, but I don't know were I will be in five years. I just don't want to be doing anything uncreative and boring.

I don't feel like that's an answer anyone wants to hear, so I bullshit my way through a stumbling mess of "i don't know...anything really". During my interview with the 2nd Editor I didn't mention any of my cool film knowledge. Especially since I have all this cool literary knowledge on film theory.

As I contemplated being Little Red Ridding Hood this Halloween I was reminded of a book i read called Misfit Sister (which compared the plight of women survivors in horror movies, who are referred to the Final Girl, to protagonist from fairy tales). Sue Short did a wicked awesome job in exploring why the Final Girl is such an important character in horror movies and furthermore why audiences are captivated by her story. Hell, I am captivated by the Final Girls story.

Sue, and other theorists, realize that the final girl has some connection to the killer in the movie. That their stories(and past) are aligned in some way which makes her triumph over the killer so compelling to audiences. Expanding on this knowledge, I sort of believe that not only is the Final Girl connected to her killer from their past but maybe the killer and the final girl exhibit complementary traits that makes her survival a metaphor for something bigger. I haven't grasp what it is, but I'm on to something.

The reason I bring it up is because the survival of the final girl means that after she has defeated the monster she will gone through her right of passage into adulthood. By conquering the monster she has, in a way, conquered the thing that has stunted her own development and maturity as a fully realized human being.

I hate using Wikipedia as a source but according to the page on The Final Girl and what I can remember from Short's book "The final girl is typically sexually unavailable or virginal, avoiding the vices of the victims (sex, narcotic usage, etc). She sometimes has a unisex name (e.g. Teddy, Billie, Georgie, Sidney). Occasionally the Final Girl will have a shared history with the killer. The final girl is the "investigating consciousness" of the film, moving the narrative forward and as such, she exhibits intelligence, curiosity, and vigilance".

Now I'm not trying to jump to conclusions...but dammit I may just be (or represent) The FINAL GIRL. Let me explain. I realize that sometimes I am my own worst enemy. There are days when I am optimistic and confidant and I feel like i can conquer the world. But then there are other days when I am stunting my own potential. I create some sort of monster that is preventing me from reaching safety. I am afraid of the monster solely because he threatens to take away the things that have meaning in my life but I empathize with the monster because I see myself in him. When the mask is pulled off and he is stripped of his weapons he represents the elements of myself that has birthed such a destructive creature.

And before I defeat him, before I realize that one of us has to be destroyed in order for the other to survive, I see myself in him. As he sees himself in me. And maybe in that instant, I've figured out that in weird way we've created each other for the sole purpose of having to overcome one another.

I had a dream a while ago that I was in a house of horrors. There were these three people who were stalking me through a house. I encountered each one, who all tried to defeat me in several different ways. I was physically assaulted in one, the force of the fight evident by the bruises that marred my body. I eventually kicked his ass and escaped only to run into another person. I was sexually assaulted by the next person. It was more of an attempt that an actual assault, but the threat of sexual violence is something no one overcomes quickly. He too was defeated only for me to run into the last of my attackers. He was neither physically or sexually violent towards me, but the mental degradation was the worst. It was like being able to see freedom and having this person not only block it from you, but you remind you how close and far you are from home.

At the end he was also defeated and on my back to civilization through the woods I encountered them all again, except this time they were giving me items to bring back home. In a weird way, because I had defeated them I was giving the items the used to harm me, to equip me for more obstacles to come in the future. I had become their equal because I defeated them.

I wonder if that has any connection to what the Final Girl must go through.

Maybe today I will The Final Girl. It would be an interesting and symbolic costume that no one would get unless I explained it to them. I am no close to conquering the beast who follows me but I am equipped with the knowledge that I can defeat him. That I can use the fear he has created within me against him. And survive once and for all with the tools to do so again, should he come back.

Happy Halloween.