We Tell Ourselves Stories In Order to Live.

I had a crappastic Halloween, thanks to the artist formerly known as my crush.

I was told that my favorite manager thinks I'm lovely and for this reason I now only work nights at the bookstore so I can train with her. I am receptive to learning new things, I look eager and helpful, and because of this I am given many projects to do.

I was not happy that I would have to work Halloween, especially because I couldn't find a costume. I shouldn't have looked for one on the week of Halloween because by the time I jumped on the costume train, everything was taken. However, I still went into work in good spirits. It was Halloween after all...and nothing but fun can be had on that day.

I was also kind of excited that I would get to work with and see my ex-crush. For me I never fully fall 'out of like' with someone. I just sort of move on, and ignore the bubbles in my stomach when said ex-crush comes by. I was serious when I promised myself that i would not continue to have a crush on someone if there was no potential for something serious. I cannot go through my whole life on the edges of a relationship because I am too afraid to take some sort of action.

After putting several things about this guy at the bookstore in perspective (he's in his mid 30's, in a relationship, and clearly nervous around me) I decided that instead of being 'in like' with him i would just be friendly. I get along with everyone else at work except him because he spends all of his time ignoring me. So on Friday I was all excited to put this new plan into play.

But when Ex-Crush wasn't blatantly ignoring me on Friday he was just plain rude to me, the WHOLE NIGHT. Like he physically could not stand being near me. And this is not an exaggeration. We were short staffed on Friday because everyone my age requested that day off. For this reason there were only about 4 of us working on the floor (including our cashier). By 6 o'clock Ex came in wearing an awesome costume (he was the scarecrow from the wizard of oz) and when he walked by me I said "What an awesome costume". He scoffed at me in a grouchy tone "Hello" and then went to talk to someone else. When another employee gave him a compliment on his costume he was the person I had my crush on in the first place; nice, receptive, charismatic in a stupid outfit, and witty.

At first I was like "okay maybe I caught him at a bad time" and I tried not to get all sad and weepy. An hour later I was doing zone maintenance (taking old books off the shelf to make room for new ones) in the humor section. I left the area for a moment and when I returned he was in the aisle struggling to find a space for some new humor books.

Me: Oh I can take those books. I'm doing zone maintenance in this area. I'm trying to make space for some new books now. I'm sorry the area looks like a mess

He did not turn around when I addressed him but instead kept his back towards me and said "what did you say" in a nonchalant tone.

So i repeated myself again( which i absolutely hate doing) . This time he shrugged his shoulder and ignored me. He didn't say anything. He ignored me like i was a figure just taking up space and his time. I didn't know whether to wait while he tried to squeeze the books on the shelf or leave and return when he was gone. So i waited for a few seconds and said "I'll come back when you're done i guess."

He picked the right costume. For someone as smart as he is, he does not have a brain. And could seriously use one in regards to our interaction. I have never felt more disgusted as I do when I'm around him. The weird energy he gives off towards me makes me feel like a ugly human being. I feel small and unwanted. There is nothing cordial about his interactions with me. It is almost violent in it's disregard.

I am sensitive I know, but I feel rejected even before I could make an attempt to befriend him. He has guard up about me, and at this point I don't care to make an effort to try to understand him or his ugliness.

He got to leave early that night because the manager I hate said he had the best outfit. To add insult to my already wounded ego, he started talking about his girlfriend up at the cash register where I happened to be working at the time. He was not discussing her with me of course, but with the manager who was up there to. It was weird sort of "hey so anyway my GIRLFRIEND..." kind of conversations. I just sort of cried silently inside to myself not because of any feelings I have for him, but because if he is trying to make me dislike him it is working. Not only do i dislike him, but i feel like a horrible person around him though he makes everyone else so happy.

That bastard.

I wrote a poem about him soon after i got back from work (at midnight). I don't know what it means but i think it sums up my feelings about him pretty well. My first adult crush comes to a crash and burn faster than I would have thought.

Anyway.

No word from 2nd editor yet. I will email him after the election to get some feedback on the position. I think we are all in a weird antsy place and tomorrow will calm or ignite our fears. For this reason I do not expect any word on the internship until Wednesday, but I will contact him first thing in the morning. Should I not get this one I will just have to look for something else. By January I will not be working at the bookstore, so i have to find something before then.

I have been reading a lot lately, and am now on a collection of essays by Joan Didion. I've decided that when i grow up I want to be her. She is an amazing writer and her talent makes me jealous. This writing thing does not come easy to me. I need help and a lot of work to become something more than a bookshelf writer ( a phrase my mom coined in regards to writers who write material for themselves. "you don't want a bookshelf of just your stuff" she said "everyone should see it"). I am seriously pursuing grad school now, and I have to start studying for the GRE. I have been toying with several ideas lately and even applying to my Alma Mater has run through my thoughts. The school is cheap, most of the people who saw potential in me are still there, and I would get into a program that could help me develop as a writer. What's two more years to a second chance at something.

Time to read before i have to go to work.