Election day was a blast.After a long day of avoiding news coverage I settled on the couch around 7 o'clock to watch the election unfold before me. No matter who your candidate was during this election, you have to admit that this was a historic event.
My aunt, who voted, did not want to watch the news at first. She came home late after waiting in line to vote and wanted to watch something that was....more entertaining. Of course once she came in and saw me and Michelle camped out in front of the tv flipping back and forth from NBC, CBS, and ABC she joined in too.
We had chips and dip, and of course a level of enthusiasm that made for a good night. We supplied our own commentary over the newscasters on tv. It was not highly intelligent commentary but we laughed our asses off throughout much of the night. We live in a blue state and because of this there was a lingering fear that if things turned out difficulty...something was getting torn down.
The Republican house is only a few blocks away and ever so often we would half-jokingly wonder if a full fledged riot was going to break out should McCain win. Every time we heard a police siren we ran to the window to peer outside only to have or fears calmed by silence.
Even Michelle joined in. For a 3 year old she picks up on things quickly. My aunt bought her the cutest "vote" t-shirt which she ended up spilling a ton of yogurt on. She was at first very confused when we would only clap for states that turned blue on the map. She concluded some time later that "Red is bad tonight. Blue is good. That's why you clap". I figure i'll save the whole "neither party is bad just represent different approaches to running to the country" speech for another night. So we just kind of agreed with her in the context of this election.
My mom and Marie called sporadically throughout the night. My mom wanted to talk about the states gained by the democratic party and Marie wanted to talk about...her guy problem. At 11, well after Michelle had fallen asleep in a pile of chips and dip, the president-elect was announced.
I don't even know where the scream came from. It sounded like my voice, except completely outside of my nature. It was high pitched and jovial and unadulterated in it's force. My aunt, who was as glued to the news as I was, screamed as well and jumped around the living. We eventually fell into a hug that spoke of relief.
The magnitude of the election did not hit me until the next morning. And while i was alone replaying everything in my head, I cried because maybe we can be anything we ever wanted to be despite race, gender, and socio-economic beginnings. As long as we have this drive, this unending pursuit of our dreams we can accomplish anything. We can inspire change.
My moment of contemplation was disrupted by a loud knock on the door. When I got to the stairs I heard the sound of Michelle's husky voiced babysitter coughing outside of the door. It seems we may have done too much partying on election night which caused Michelle to wake up with a wicked awful stomach ache in the morning. A stomach ache that caused her to throw up all over the babysitters house.
The babysitter called my aunt before bringing Michelle home. Because she had thrown up all over her clothes, she wearing a big t-shirt with her mary jane shoes when the babysitter handed her over.
Michelle is a stubborn, defiant, bossy yet a considerate and sweet child. She voices her opinions more than we would like to hear sometimes and we are still trying to teach her her manners. Regardless of our constant bickering about 'being nice to people' 'asking for things without yelling' and 'cleaning up after one's self'' she is doll to hang out with. She stood before me defeated by the upset stomach and collapsed on the floor crying that she didn't feel well.
The one thing that i regret saying when i was in high school (and in journals) was that i didn't want to get to married and have kids. I take it back only because kids respond to me with complete faith that I will take care of them. I have a maternal instinct that shocks me sometimes and even embarrasses me. I am patient yet stern, and I listen to kids ideas in an attempt to stir their imagination.
I know that I will forever sit at the kids table during family reunions not because I am immature, but because kids respond to me with a tad bit of respect. I have become the cool adult that i use to admire when my family came together for the holidays. There was always that one person, who was younger than the adults but close enough to our age to still connect with us.
Yesterday as Michelle barfed all over the house i held back her hair as she threw up in the toilet and I tried to console her stomach. To make her feel better I pretended as if i had a stomach ache too in hopes that she would mimic my actions (drinking water slowly, resting with my blanket...things like that). At noon, after she had all but exhausted herself from throwing up all morning she wanted to come in my 'room' and watch tv. We climbed under the blankets and watched some Family Guy until she faded off into sleep.
Sometimes i wonder if i am this self defeating person. I wonder if i push things away (or discard them with my words) because I don't feel like I deserve them. I don't know where it comes from. I did not have a horrible childhood, my teens years sucked...but whose didn't. My family life was okay and often magical. I am a product of divorce but i feel matured by the experience or at least that is what i tell myself.
But as I continue to struggle with relationships and getting close to people, I wonder if i push them away because I'm afraid of the things that i really want. That small ache that turns my hard facade into this nurturing , vulnerable and sensitive person consumed with a need to be wanted.
Michelle woke up soon after her nap and threw up all over my blanket. She apologized before slumping to the floor and spitting up water. After I cleaned her face and changed her clothes for the fifth time that morning, we jumped back into bed and discussed the picture of her and her brother on the wall.
"That's me" she said "When I'm no sick" Then she pointed to herself and said "Not like me now who is sick". It was the cutest thing ever, and I couldn't help but laugh.
I just hope that I haven't jinxed myself in some huge colossal way. That my proclamation of not wanting a family or a husband doesn't smack me in the face. I do want those things so deeply, I mean not today or even tomorrow but one day. I realize that it is more important to me than i could have ever imagined.
Back to some Joan Didion. She really is the writer I have always wanted to be. I can't get enough of her and I am tempted to purchase this book (despite it being 30 bucks). I emailed the editor yesterday to inquire about the internship. I have done my part to convince him that I am the person for the job, and now I can do nothing but wait. I am ready to start writing something...anything and getting it into print. This newspaper gig could give me the experience i need. Why does waiting suck so bad?
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