Rainy Days.

Today it rained all day.

I didn't get home last night until 12:30 because working on Friday at a store that doesn't close until 11 is not cool. By the time I got home, I went to sleep only to be stirred awake some hours later by a hungry 3 year old.

Of course it was 8 in the morning when this request was made, but i was in no mood to feed anyone (though i did any way).

I was kind of happy to see a sky of grey clouds and that the wind was blowing everything around with signs of a storm coming. Some days, i like the rain. It gives me the opportunity to stay in, read a book, or like I have been doing lately, watch the complete seasons of 30 Rock.

I must say, since this BIG move I have felt so different. Sometimes I feel like I have stepped outside of myself and am watching this person that resembles me but who possess characteristics that aren't completely my own. Or at least ones I am not comfortable with.

There is a part of me that needs to be introspective and under the radar. Sometimes I like to blend into the crowd and be hidden, detached, and in my own little world. But on the social aspect of my life right now...I am doing okay. I am meeting and possibly even making friends. I am talking to people and saying things that I regret revealing moments later. People seem to like me and in a weird way I am uncomfortable with this.

That part of me that shys' away from social interactions, wants to go into hiding again. I feel like I am putting on a show for everyone, and though the audience likes the presentation I am giving (confidant, funny, smart, witty girl) I don't know if I am losing the part of myself that makes me feel safe and secure...in a weird antsy way. I guess I am not use to people taking an interest in what i have to say. I am not use to people wanting me to be around them. I am not use to being wanted and because of this there is a part of me that wants to flee. Far far away.

I guess that's why i am happy that today it rained all day out of the blue. That it came down hard, causing everyone else to run inside. I had a chance to breathe for once and think without the feeling, that often invades my thoughts, that I have turned my back on the girl that I am, in some attempt to make progress with my life.

I may have told this story once, but before I went to eight grade i was asked to join a summer camp held at the local high school. It was an 8 week intensive program for science and the arts tailored to students who did well on some tests throughout the year. I went under the pretense that I would have a fun time, meet some new people (because I was technically still the new girl) and have something to do during the summer.

On the first day of the program, I met this girl who was really popular. She instantly (within the hour) created her entourage of 'friends' and among them was dear old me. At first i was like 'cool. Look, i am liked by this really popular girl and she has accepted me into her clique. Look mom no hands'. But after a couple of hours with her, I was bored with being apart of her clique. Everyone laughed at her jokes, everyone followed her around, and everyone abandoned any resemblance of themselves to be accepted by this girl.

During lunch, I decided to skip sitting with her and the rest of her minions. She took notice of my departure and asked why I wasn't sitting with them. I do not remember the exact words I used but it went something like " i just don't feel like following you around anymore". Needless to say I was booted from the clique almost instantly and that was the last day i showed up for the camp.

I was not willing to sacrifice my own comfort for her acceptance. And now, at 22, there is a part of me that doesn't want to sacrifice my safe anxiety filled house for what my mom calls my "chance to find my place within the crowd"

I don't know how to balance my natural introspective tendencies with...everything else. How to be completely in tune with who I know I am and who i want people to accept and see.

I don't know.

Tomorrow I work until closing. But then I have 2 days off to do whatever I want. I am done second guessing my deduction in hours, so far so good. I swear this is that last of my Scott Speedman GQ spread obsession.