So, we meet again

Okay. I admit it. I am depressed.

I hate writing it down and seeing the word Depressed before me. I haven't felt this bad in so long I almost forgot what it felt like. I forgot that depression (for me anyway) is not some evil aberration that I can spot and halt in it's track. It's sneaky, friendly even, because it seeks out my weakness and offers me the helping hand I seek. Blerg.

I am literally in a weird state of nothingness. It feels and looks like nothing I ever would have imagined. I am an actor. I carry a million and one facades to cover up my anxiety ridden, worrisome self. And people are buying it, including myself.

Beneath my happy veneer I am consumed with anxiety. It is not a stomach churning, sweat dripping or even a heart pounding sort of anxiety, but it keeps me up at night. It fills my head with unrealistic scenarios that involve 'me' some years down the road unfulfilled in all aspects of my life including being totally unhappy with my career.

With the economy ("hello Mr. recession") and the general time it takes for a grad to find a job, I know this is the worst time to be looking for a job. Especially a job in publishing which is a tight knit family of literature buffs. But because I am naturally someone who puts a lot of blame on herself I can't help but feel like a failure. I can't help but feel unwanted, unprepared, and like a disgrace to the person who once held such high dreams for herself but who cannot find a way to make them happen.

I am just in a funk. I know it will pass and I will bounce back up like one of those stupid webble wobbles to face the 'real world' again. But sometimes I just want to fold into myself. I don't want to be a strong anchor, realistic and rational. I want to hit rock bottom, be totally vulnerable, and just let my thoughts do whatever it must to work itself out.

I have another interview on Tuesday (if me and the agent can find a time for the interview that fits both our schedule). I don't really know how to prepare myself. I am going to buy a new outfit, I know that much. I need something more professional looking then what I have been showing up in (a cardigan sweater and slacks). If it wasn't 30 degrees in New York I would wear something a-la Bonnie Morrison (who is pictured above). She is like my style icon these last few months but I don't think i can pull off her class and style).

In the meantime I am working 5 days straight this week. Because of the holidays the managers asked me to extend my four day commitment to five. I desperately want (and need) more money so I agreed to have a full shift for Christmas. After the holidays my hours will dramatically decrease regardless of snagging an internship or not. Surprisingly when i came back to work on Sunday, my old crush (literally he may be more then 10 years older than me) was super nice.

This is the same guy who made an ass of himself on Halloween. He is still dismissive towards, I don't think that will ever change. If he isn't ignoring me he is pretending to ignore me and I haven't been able to decide which one is worse yet. But on Sunday he was nice....I mean actually nice. It was the first time he has said anything to me since i started working there. I don't know why I like him, put aside the whole teacher thin and I just dig him. Put aside being an asshole towards me and I still like him. I like how he interacts with everyone else, despite being a turd towards me.

I want to get a real guy. I want someone to like me (who isn't a weird janitor dude who happens to have a pension for guns and short people. He told me this). I have to stop falling in 'like' with guys who are unattainable or dismissive of me. I have to start taking myself seriously enough to attain the things that I want. Whether it be a stupid internship with a stupid literary agency or just a nice guy to hang out with along with my nice friends and nice life.

Time for bed.