So today i was suppose to go on my "is it or isn't it" date with the janitor/nape toucher. I didn't really want to go. After weighing the pros and cons of this 'date', something about it just didn't feel right. I am known for my exaggeration. It is a characteristic of mine that I like (for story telling) and don't like (for life telling), but I have learned to live with both. I could be exaggerating his interest in me. Maybe he just wants to be friends, maybe he touches all his friends on the nape, maybe maybe maybe. But i know in all of my craziness that he likes me. I just have a feeling.
He's nice. He's tall. He's okay, I guess. But he's also 27-ish, working as a porter at a book store. He likes guns and science fiction, touches napes and said he has a fondness for 'small things'. Unlike my instant attraction towards my much older and totally inappropriate crush, there is no draw to this guy. I talk to him at work, I go home and pretty much spend my time thinking about hot older teacher. I am drawn to the same type of guys and for some reason unless you have some of those characteristics...I don't know.
I went to lunch last week with the new girl at work. Her name is Angie and she is from Kentucky. For some reason I automatically liked her. I think we connected instantly because we are both from small towns. She is 27 and recently was laid off from her job because of the recession. I was the one who trained her on her first day, and we ended walking home together that night (because she lives close to my aunts old apartment) and we had a pretty good conversation that ended in a hug.
So on the night of that huge snow storm the bookstore closed four hours early. 'Porter' asked me to go to the movies after work with him but i declined because Angie and I wanted to grab something to eat. The only place open was this diner down the street and we spent an hour there doing what i think people do. We gossiped, talked, complained, and ate gross food. We got on the conversation of attraction and she said she learned in psych class that people do form archetypes of attraction. This would explain why people tend to fall in like with people with similar traits. All the guys I have liked share something similar in both physical apparences and manner. I end up likely a guy immediately based off of his vibe and features. Hence why i fell in 'like' with Much Older Guy the moment he shortened my name and taught me the rules of the bookstore. I just liked him right off the back. And even though I know nothing can ever come from this crush he continues to supply material for my writing.
I like guys who inspire me. Who make me dream, who let me float and drift away while maintaining some hold on me. And 'Porter', despite all of his nice qualities, doesn't make my stomach do flips. I do not dream of him in any sense, I have not imagined some ill-fated future, or tryst that will go horribly wrong. I just see him, and am uninspired by the prospects. Nevertheless, I was going to go to the movies with him...because it would be my first real date. I guess.
I have not been in the best of moods lately. I am grouchy and sad combined with general frustration and angst. But I made a promise to my mom that I would try to enjoy Christmas. That i would make an attempt to have fun, even if it killed me. I woke up today in a better mood. I walked to Target and grabbed the supplies needed to make Santa's Christmas cookies and then surprised my baby cousin with plans to make cupcakes and cookies today before my movie date. I noticed, during my speech to Michelle about saying some cookies and cupcakes for sanata, that my older cousin was noticeably down and out.
I saw him going through some of the gifts in the closest and when I asked him what he was doing he said "trying to figure out which gift to open. Today is my Birthday."
WHAT!?!?!??!?!
In my general grouchiness followed by the big move, decision making, and being annoyed with life, boys, and everything else, it totally slipped my mind that it is Christopher's birthday. I just totally forgot. I must have made a face when he said it was his birthday because all of a sudden he looked like Molly Ringwald from Sixteen Candles, 'you forgot didn't you'.
I laughed the comment off and said something like "no.... of.... course..... not!" as I tried to figure out how i was going to make this up to him. I gave him the two presents I bought him for Christmas and let him open then. I then made cupcakes, made him some pizza and tried to remind him that I did not forget his birthday...though i did. Luckily this gave me a valid excuse to cancel all of my plans for the day (including the semi date with 'Porter'). I could not leave my cousin on his 18th birthday to lounge around knowing that everyone forgot his day. I mean we didn't do much, we talked, ate, and then respectively read our books, but i was here that's good enough and as soon as my aunt comes home we will put up the tree, make cookies and possibly watch A Christmas Story.
I don't know how long I can keep coming up with these excuses. After a while he is going to catch on that I have no interest in him, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. The adult thing to do would be to create the friendship boundary now so he doesn't misinterpret my kindness. But at the same time I don't want to think I am rejecting him when really i have established him as a friend of sort.
Too much thinking for one day.
In other news I have my Christmas all planned out. I will open the last of my presents, enjoy the look on my little cousins face as she opens her presents. I will hang with my aunt and older cousin and then retreat to 'my' room and read the trashy book I bought for the occasion while munching on the cheesecake I have been saving. It's going to be a different Christmas for sure but I am going to make the best of it. I am not this person frolicking around, I am not this person who is unhappy and concerned. And for day i just want to relax from all of that. Just for one day.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday and yadda yadda.
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