You Found Me

I have been obsessing over this song by the Fray all day that I (along with the rest of the world) discovered through the promos for Lost Season 5(?). I've never seen this show. I hear it's about a bunch of people on an island, one of whom happens to be Matthew Fox. But other then that I am pretty clueless to the phenom, blame it on my obsession with a million and one other things.

Regardless, this song kicks ass. Major ass and I can't stop listening to it, even at 11:24p.m. I can't go to sleep. I have an interview this Wednesday and i am nervous. I am that kind of nervous that keeps you up at night tossing and turning. That kind of nervous that makes you listen to a song 20 times until you have the lyrics down to a science.

The publisher wants a portfolio of my work. My non existent portfolio that consist of a reader response for some stupid YA book, and a movie review that i typed up in a day. A portfolio that will not give anyone a sense of my writing. A portfolio that I am struggling to put together before Wednesday.

A kid at work is also trying to get into publishing. He has been trying for a year now. Because the interview conflicted with my work schedule I had to find someone to swap shifts with me. The weird Norman Bates guy was the only one I could ask, and when i explained my situation he was happy to accommodate. An hour later, he asked me all about the internship and then told me that he too had an interest in publishing. That he was a communications major in college (which is weird because he is the last person anyone wants to communicate with) but that he was rejected so many times he just sort of gave up. Seriously, he said he just 'gave up'.

This frightens me, because I know the only person who stands in my way of accomplishing anything is me. I am the only person responsible for not pushing my potential to it's fullest. And as I research the magazine, prepare answers to questions in my head, and struggle to come up with something more to put in my portfolio, the realization is crushing.

Failure has nothing to do with rejection from others, but from your own rejection. From your inability to keep fighting for something that you want, right? I don't want to be creepy Norman Bates guy. I don't want to just give up and be content with plan Z. I have to find some way to push past my own insecurites and nerves.

I am writing a small sample about the post grad experience. I know there will be an honesty in the piece that is speaking from a sincere contemplation on the subject matter and not eager desperation. I have thought of tweaking some entries from my journal because it's the best sample of my writing style for the porfolio but I don't know. I need to get some sleep and maybe in the morning I will figure out where this piece is going, until then...I have a restless night ahead of me.