Sorry for the small text. I sort of like it. It reflects my mood in a weird way. I feel sort of small and I want to hide under the covers, preferably because it's warm there.
You' d be embarrassed to know how I have been spending my time. It is neither productive or glamorous but nonetheless very relaxing. In two weeks I head home. Indefinitely that is. I let my bosses know this Saturday after having a hard time telling my manager Paul on Thursday.
Paul is the most amazing manager ever. He is fun and energetic and we like working with him because he doesn't give us a hard time. As Angie said "he knows we are at the bottom of the food chain and yet he treats us like a human being". Paul and I started working at the bookstore the same week. He keeps bringing this up because whenever we have the 'pleasure' of closing the store on a particularly horrid Saturday night , he looks at how messy the store is and turns to me for a game plan: 'we are in this together, partners in a non crime' he says and then we bumped fists like the obama's and get the store clean.
So I figured because we generally like each other, that he would be the easiest person to break the news too. I mean I had my excuse all planned out: 'so..a couple of weeks ago I applied to this writing workshop. It's starts june 22nd which means that I would be gone for about 6 weeks". In my head it sounded like a solid story, better than the truth (my cousin is home for the summer and is complaining about not having a room to sleep in so I kind of have to head home for awhile just until he leaves and I can beg my aunt to let me stay with her for a little while longer)
But for some reason, I couldn't get the lie out of my mouth. Every time I had the perfect opportunity to tell him I bailed. I would start with "so...Paul..." and then ask him a stupid question because the words I wanted to say wouldn't come out. By the end of the night I managed to tell him that I had something coming up soon that would affect my employment there for the summer. He seemed cool with it only because I didn't really explain I wouldn't be in the area for 6 weeks.
On Saturday before I could even psych myself out, I told the first manager I saw that I had a 6 week commitment. She looked worried, concerned and sad but I assured her that I would be back before they even knew it (which I hope to god is true!). I had to give them the dates I will be MIA for and also schedule a return date. We are shooting for August 9th. For real.
I am happy and apprehensive about heading home. I am happy that I won't have to eat frozen food anymore. That I will have a full size bed to sleep in and a lot of free time on my hands to write. My mom will be there, and my brother too and it will be nice to just have some family time with my family.
I am apprehensive about getting trapped there. That come August my aunt will not accept my plea to stay with her a little longer. I need to come back. Believe it or not the jobs are here, even if I am not fairing well in that department. The internships are here too and I am leaning towards another production company because it sort of rocked when it didn't suck.
I have too many things to think about. So many things that sleep is a luxury these days. I usually get to sleep easy, as soon as my head hits the pillow. But it's not so easy these days. There are minutes that go by of complete nothingness where I'm starring at the wall or up at the ceiling just trying to remember how to breathe.
Because of this anxiety, I am very nostalgic these days (the embarrassing but relaxing part of my life). I have been youtubing like crazy. I am going through a list of memories that unfold with each episode of some show I use to watch when I was younger. And in a way I am hoping not to relive those times but capture the essence of them. There is something about listening to "Always Be My Baby" (circa 1996) and thinking 'when the hell did i like Mariah Carey' and then remembering that I only liked her because I thought this song (at the time) captured my relationship with Nicholas (the first of my pedestal boys).
Old Nick shows are pretty much taking up my days. Bet you don't remember 'The Tomorrow People' (I've asked around no one seems to remember this show except my incredibly tv saavy friend)..I do. It was one of my favorite shows when it first came out. I think it was cancelled by the end of the first season but I loved (loved) this show and something about seeing it again soothes me.
It's geeky I know but as I continue to have no idea about the fate of future or what is in store for me, I know that my past is definite. That though the memories may be foggy they existed in some weird way. That there was this time when I was a happy functioning person yearning to grow up so I could become a happy functioning person yearning to continue on.
I'm just saying.
Time to get ready for work. Next week is employee appreciation week and we get 40% off books. I am going to buy 2 summer totes (for my mom and I) and get some old favs and new books. Recently I have noticed a lot of teenagers asking for Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides. Every two days some adolescent girl strolls in with her cargo shorts and hobo bag wondering if we have any copies of the book. It's a little weird. I remember reading this book when I was a teenager too but only because the movie was coming out at the time and there was something angelic about Kirsten Dunst on the cover.
I don't remember the book having a profound affect on me. It was good but nothing more. I guess at the time I didn't understand the scope of the narrative. I'd like to re-read it though, if only to see why it seems like some textual go to for girls-on-the-verge. I mean for 40% off it's pretty much a steal.
T o the bookstore I go. What a long post.
3 comments:
So, this shall be known as the "Small Font Period" of the artist known as Beckett. It does seem fitting. I wonder if your convalescence at home will see a return to normal-size font ;-) Have fun book-binging! Can a I make a humble suggestion? Philip Roth--best writer I've read in a very long time, by a long shot.
pretty much. I hope no one has bad eye sight. That sort of worried me at first, but the small font period shouldn't last that long. I promise =)
I have passed Philip Roth many a times in my book store. The cover of his books are so interesting. Which one should I start reading? I was going to throw in some Agatha Christie too, only because I just realized I have never read anything by her.
Everyman is a nice primer. It's his shortest book by far, written very recently and displays the best of Roth--insightful and articulate about the common human experience without being trite.
I also read American Pastoral which is set in the 60's (and spans to the 90's) and is much more specific in its context, but nevertheless evocative and strangely resonates with me even though I've never been a Jewish kid from New Jersey.
But I'd start with Everyman.
I love Agatha Christie! Another great mystery writer is Donald Westlake--he's supposedly a comic/mystery writer which is apt. He's dry, witty, funny, and overall entertaining. Nothing deep, just snort out loud on the bus funny. I tried God Save the Mark and thought, yeah, I would go back for more one day.
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