every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

I have no foreseeable break in sight. Other than my sort of lovely sick day (the being sick part put a damper in that) October is going to be a busy month. Busy.

There is conflict brewing at my aunt's house and I have been issued an eviction date. Let me explain. I was never close to this aunt growing up. When we all lived in the yellow house during my youth, I always seemed to annoy her. I am sort of tomboy (though Marie disagrees with this) in the family. I was never into looking pretty or frilly. I simply liked playing outside with the boys. It was my thing. She on the other hand, loves appearances and having the latest trendsetting item (despite lacking the funds for this extravagant life).

When I asked to come stay with her a year ago it was under the assumption that I would get a job right, find an apartment and be on my merry way. Unfortunately that didn't happen, and I have quietly been living in her house ever since. Outside of living under her roof, I support myself fully. I buy my own food, clean up after myself, use my own Internet service and phone, and I make sure that she lives her life the way she would live it if I weren't here. But my presence annoys my aunt. With me being here she can no longer pretend that she is living a life of luxury. The truth is worse. There is never any food in the house, the phone/cable/Internet is rarely on and when it is, it is under some one else's name (like Kelly. My aunt's name is not Kelly!). She is also having an affair with a married man, who I have the unfortunate pleasure of hearing from her bedroom during the odd afternoons when we are both home together.

Life is sweet.

I witness (and hear) every thing that goes on in this house, and I think this makes her uncomfortable to the point where she wants me out. She hasn't said this to my face, but yesterday she called my mom and asked her when I planned on leaving. This threw my mom for a loop because my aunt hasn't talked to my mom in a year. They have always had a touch and go relationship and it has been on the outs for the last two years. They talked for less then 5 minutes and then my aunt added "well, I'll give her to the end of December" before they both hung up the phone. Smack in the face. I planned on getting my own place by the end of December anyway, but I have a problem with being 'evicted' in a sense. I work 7 days a week. 5 full days at the bookstore, 2 full days at the internship. I am either never home when she is here, or I do not get home until 8pm. By then she is already in bed and Michelle is running wild.

So hearing that our living 'arrangement' is a bother for her, is not only devastating but it pisses me off. Because it's not as if I am just lounging around at her house, it's not as if I wasn't planning on moving out anyway, it's that she threatens to put a halt to my whole New York experience. And though I bitch and complain about...well everything, but mainly that nothing seems to be happening for me here, I do have a life I like here. I don't want to live in South Carolina anymore. I mean I love the south. I love the trees and the sky, and the small town living. I like not having to wear shoes outside, and sometimes my heart patters when I see a pick up truck, but realistically getting a job down there in production or publishing doesn't leave me a lot of options. And I like it here, the difference that I feel in myself here is intoxicating and for now, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

This sucks majorly. So I now have an official expiration date. I will no longer have a place to live at the end of this year, which is a couple of weeks away. All at once I am bombarded with the new changes in my life. I am anxious about the paid internship I applied for, along with the handful of other positions I have applied for. I am anxious about this boy that I like, even though I know it is wrong and complicated (don't worry I will continue to crush but that's as far as it can goes). I am anxious, a little scared and pump full of adrenaline.

I don't know if my life is falling apart, or simply falling into place but either way a change is a coming whether I like it or not, and I must prepare myself. I seem to keep repeating to myself these days "i am managing" "i am managing", that's all I can do at this point.