First Day of Kindergarten...Again.

I'd like to interrupt my slew of depressive posts to talk about my cousins first day of Kindergarten.



My relationship with my aunt is mending nicely. The suckassness of being 'asked out' of her home still makes me stomach drop but I refuse to let any animosity between her stop me from seeing my cousin Michelle.



This kid is freaking amazing and I am not saying this because I am a little biased. Alright, I lied I am totally biased but I generally don't find all kids to be awesome, so i'm a good judge in the 'is your kid horrible' department. Some kids, having worked in the children's department for six months now, can be little shits. I attribute this to their parents because I have literally wanted to curse out some of these heathens that walk into the store. When they aren't trashing the place (something I blame on the parents naturally) they are rude little buggers.



And Michelle is not perfect. She has thrown many a tantrums in the past. You couldn't take her to a store (target) without her losing her shit over something. But I don't know. The little kid I knew two years ago has...matured into this awesome 5 year old. Where I would have to once force hugs out of her she now gives them away freely . She is smart and intuitive and she asks a bunch of questions about the world around her. She is a girly girl who is not afraid to get dirty and her imagination is endless.



I love this kid and some of my fondest memories of New York revolve her. So when my aunt got in contact with me to say that Michelle wanted me to go to her first day of Kindergarten with her, my heart did the opposite of breaking into a million little sad pieces. Instead it burst into shards of happiness.



Last weekend I went with her and my aunt for student teacher orientation. It was a Girls Day Extravaganza. Michelle (and my aunt surprisingly) was so happy to see me and show me her purple room and crayons and dolls and...well you get the point. She is attending the Elementary school I went to as a kid, right around the corner from their house. It's a 15 minute walk and the whole way we talked about how cool going to school was going to be. She held my hand the whole way and asked if we could get pizza afterwards. Naturally my aunt and I were not opposed to this.



Orientation went well. We met her teacher, showed her around the classroom and she even met a new friend. After pizza I assured Michelle and my aunt that I would get up bright an early next Tuesday (today) to take Michelle to her first day of School. I wouldn't miss it for the world.



Getting up this morning after a closing shift though was pretty rough though. I sat my alarm to 6:30 so that I could shower and eat before heading to my aunts house. I was going to walk but I live on the other side of town so I opted for a cab.



I am going to skip the extensive hell that whole cab ride was. Lets just say he drove me to the wrong address and then started screaming at me about being 'daft' for not paying attention. This is where I completely lost it on this guy and demanded that he take me back to my house because I wasn't going to get in an argument with him and that if he wanted to provide great service he should never ,ever, speak to anyone the way he spoke to me. He sort of apologized and then offered to drive me to the correct address (after I asked him to take me back to my original address like 5 times). I relented but ended the conversation with ' I will be contacting your supervisor this whole thing was unprofessional. You probably have a daughter my age and I bet you wouldn't talk to her the way you just spoke to me'. Um. can we say bad ass moment of the day. Yay me!



Anyway, when I got to my aunts house (after cursing out a cabbie's manager) Michelle was just getting ready. She was dressed in a skirt and a cute cardigan isque shirt with knee socks and mary jane shoes. We all headed to school and talked about Hanna Montana and the Jonas Brothers. Michelle was a little more nervous then usual on the walk to school (despite attending summer camp there) and I kept touching her face and saying 'you are going to do fine Kiddo'. When we got to school the parking lot was crazy with parents and crying kids and it felt like an uncomfortable circus scene.



Michelle is a very brave girl by all standards. She has a tendency of behaving as if she is much older than her 5 years. I catch myself having to remind her that though she is a 'big girl' she is still a 'little girl' and there's nothing wrong with that. But because she is often very self sufficient and looks much older than most 5 year old (she is pretty tall) I sometimes lose sight of the fact that she is going to Kindergarten. Kindergarten! How were we ever that young?



Michelle held it together for the most part. But as soon as we stopped in front of the building to take 'classic first day of school photo's' she sort of had that 'what's next' look on her face. She wasn't afraid per se but there was definitely some apprehension on her part. Like she just realized that she was going to school for the first time ever. Her eyes sort of glazed with a wide eyed amazement and a mixture of confusion. Like she finally realized this was a big deal. A huge deal.

We took one more photo of her outside and she sort of lingered on the steps for a moment. I asked her is she was ready and that moment of fear passed before her. As quickly as it had come it was gone and replaced with excitement and...assurance that everything was going to be okay. She looked up at me and said quite proudly 'yeah I'm ready' and then slapped my hand so hard the silly band ring she gave me earlier flew off my finger.

They made us hoard her into the auditorium where all the kindergartners were to meet and be dispersed from. Before sitting down she waved to some of her friends from camp and then took her place between an equally freaked out kid. Before leaving we reminded her of her teachers name and to follow an adult with a badge and that her mom would be there to pick her up from school and the nurses office was steps away if she ever got hurt and...but she interrupted and took her book bag off to get comfortable in her chair ' i know' she said with this wayward sort of confidant sort of nervous smile on her face. 'I know".

And then we left. It was over and the Belle (my nickname for her) was starting her first day of Kindergarten. Her first day of the rest of her life. And it's so weird, you know, ever thinking that you were once that small with such 'small' fears as starting a brand new school and becoming a 'big girl'. But I'm starting to think that not much has changed since I was her age, since that day I realized that 'today' was the beginning of something great.

The last few weeks have been rough. I have had a horrible time of ups and downs, regrets and acceptances and straight up frustration with my life. I can't figure out who I am suppose to be, or what I am suppose to be doing. I have this idea of myself, I have this general image of my life but how to make that an actuality is difficulty. I don't even feel like I am at a crossroads because that would denote that I had a million and one different opportunities awaiting me. It's a different sort of feeling.

My favorite story in the whole entire world is "We're Going On A Bear Hunt" which describes in a melodic cadence a family venturing from their house to explore the world outside. They encounter long wavy grass, a deep cold river and thick oozy mud on their way to the cave. And at each 'obstacle' they realise that can't go over, they can't go under it....but they have to go through it. If they want the adventure and all. And that is what my life feels like now. That I am not at a crossroads of sorts but rather at a point where in the journey where I am unsure of how to move forward. I obviously can't find some short cut around my feelings of stasis I have trudge through it if I want to continue.

And going to the First Day of Kindergarten with Michelle reminded me that life isn't too different from childhood. Outside of not having momentous days (kindergarten, first slumber party, turning 13, turning 16 )to mark a new phase of life, everyday is the beginning of the rest of your life. And it's fucking scary because it's suppose to be. Because you'd have to be inhuman to not fear becoming a person you don't hate. A person you can look at in the mirror and not regret.

And I currently understand that look in Michelle eyes before we led her into the auditorium. That 'who they hell are all these people and what am I suppose to do next' stare that I couldn't help trying to console. But it wasn't necessarily fear she was experiencing, it wasn't necessarily a look of preparation to flee. It was sort of shock and awe at being a person, and becoming someone, and not understanding what's next but being apprehensive, confidant, and assured that things will eventually be okay.

'I know' they will.