Pretty Ricky Was His Name.

Deciding to pursue higher education in the form of grad school was not (and has not been) an easy decision to make. Apart of me cannot help but feel like that kid who signed up for band at the beginning of the year but because the amount of kids allowed to join the 'introductory' class has been filled, I've been placed in the less popular orchestral club out of pity. Yes that is how i got my hands on the violin. I was a very sad 8 year old.



What I'm trying to say is that there is a part of me that feels disappointed that this real world thing is not working out. That I cannot hack this economy and this job market like I wanted to. I feel so naive about moving here. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy not to be living in South Carolina moping around and driving my mom crazy but my life here is far from perfect. And like being turned away from band ( i really wanted to play the trumpet) I've been giving a consolation gift for my efforts.



Applying to grad school is going to be tough. The last time I sort of bs-ed my way around the application process and refused to retake the GRE. But the kids graduating from school this time around are smart. They know the job market is horrible, they are going to cruise right past the right of passage that is 'post grad slump' and continue on to the next phase that is higher education which means that the application process is competitive and I will have to be on my A++ game.



I am going to take the GRE in November and then again in January. I have four schools that I am eyeing, plus another two or three that I need to consider. I also still have this UK scheme to apply to and am need to secure a job while I am still in New York. I am keeping my possibilities open out of blind faith that one of them will work out but the next few months are going to be a struggle and I expect there to be a lot of coffee consumption. LOTS.



I just need a change and the benefits of going to grad school out weigh the negative (student loans). I actually miss school and learning things and though my undergraduate career was pretty uneventful, I am looking forward to being a graduate student if I can get in that is.


I seriously think I am suffering from a Quarter Life Crisis. I worry about things that 18 year old me couldn't give a shit about. I worry about what I want to do with my life, where I want to live, what sort of adventures and misadventures i want to get myself into (or out of depending on the day). It's all a little overwhelming and terrifying and confusing.

Outside of my professional and educational worries, the social aspects of my life are stressful too. I am much better socially than I was two years ago. I am still awkward as hell and prefer my days off to myself, but I am in control of some aspects of my anxiety and talking to people is easier. But that doesn't mean I am exactly where I want to be socially.

I continue to make friend-like connections with people to the point where I have things to do every once in a while but I have not established close enough connections where I have a core group of friends to confide in. My Friday nights are still spent hanging out by myself watching Netflix online or reading books. Surprisingly not trashy ones.

And I know that this has everything to do with me and the parts of anxiety that I do not yet have control over. I have insecurities about fitting in and being judged and all that jazz. I can't wrap my head around the fact that people want to hang out with me and get to know me. It's all too much to process and I have a tendency of keeping people at bay.

On the boy level...well there isn't any level. I am afraid at this point that I will be an old maid with a billion cats and maybe a subscription to 'Knitting n Style' magazine. It's very difficult being a 24 year old girl surrounded by 20 year old and older women who are so comfortable around guys I silently take notes from a distance.

In High School my only romantic interest was my best guy friend Justin, who came from an uber religious family so nothing ever come of that. Outside of him though, me and Marie were the ugly ducklings in school. We were those girls people would openly make fun of because the only guys we were ever paired with were dorkier than us.

Though that I am not that awkward 16 year old girl anymore, I am still very insecure when it comes to boys. I often find myself feeling like the 'ugly duckling' around them especially when you are friends with Kat who has no trouble in the boy department.

Recently the store hired a very (very, very) attractive guy named Ricky. The first day I met him I was like 'hmmmm, interesting lad. Kind of pretty. Thank you hiring manager'. I immediately inquired about the new boy before introducing myself and of course upon further inspection realized that he is the hottest guy whose ever worked with us. I have donned him Pretty Ricky for that reason.

Kat did not find Pretty Ricky that pretty at first but I made a comment regarding my 'attraction' to him a few days ago and she has been all over Pretty Ricky ever since. And like the awkward 16 year old me, I don't even see the use in trying to get his attention because compared to Kat I don't stand a chance. Yes, I know that he's new and could have a girlfriend or a wife or a boyfriend. I don't even have any real intention of falling in like with this guy. But sometimes I want to be the interesting girl that guys flock to.

I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy when Kat said she spent the last two days working with Pretty Ricky and 'enjoying' his company. He's so funny, and witty, and sarcastic. 'we have a connection already. I'm glad i can talk to you about this'. This is the same girl who has a boyfriend and a crush on Evan and who receives presents (yes, presents) from various hot customers. Couldn't she just let me revel in Pretty Ricky without stirring up my Ugly Duckling syndrome.

I am only hit on by old men and boys under the age of 15. So sometimes I get annoyed by Kat's obsession with the male species. She thrives off of their attention, even though she won't admit it.She is always approached by attractive boys our age, and jealousy rears it's ugly head when I hang out with her because I am ignored often during interactions with the opposite sex.

I do understand what Kat's draw is. She's that alternative chick that nerd boys love. She reads graphic novels and listens to 90's rock while being a fan of pop culture phenoms and girly things. She is beautiful yet insecure and guys want to take care of her or be around her.

I, on the other hand, am never going to be that girl. I have control issues which prevent me from ever (ever) playing the role of victim. I am not that girly but rather pretty goofy. But I do want to be comfortable enough in my skin where I can engage boys that I like without pause of concern or silently wondering if I am being interesting.

Because while Kat has hit it off with Pretty Ricky (and every other male employee) I have not.

I too had a conversation with Pretty Ricky but he didn't seem too interested in talking to me. He was very bland and stiff and I didn't get the sense of 'witty awesomeness' that Kat has been privy too. I immediately surmised that he would not be witty or awesome around me because I am not that interesting or (chucks here i go) attractive enough to bother with.

And hell, now I am not even going to give Pretty Ricky a chance on a friend level because of the 'connection' he has already made with Kat and because I know she will lure him in so she has another guy fawning over her.

I am a horrible person aren't I? I have too much time on my introverted hands. But I feel all kinds of confronted by the things I want, the people I would like in my life and the person I want to be. And my jealousy towards 'pretty alternative girls' or people my age who seem to have it together (whatever it is) has more to do with my inability to grasp what I want to make out of this life. And fears that I an no closer to figuring out what I want than I was a few years ago.

F*cking Quarter Life Crisis and damn Pretty Ricky's.