Did You Know....

a customer sort of asked me to hang out with him this weekend? Let me explain.

When I'm not cursing my life and spending my days off watching Netflix, I am trying to stay afloat here. Grad school applications loom, jobs must be applied to and I have to get up everyday from either sleep or a long nap to hold down the fort at the bookstore. God I am going to look back on these days fondly when I am older.

I had a really disastrous weekend of self loathing and depression. I barely got of bed and finding the will to put clothes on was difficult. The weather is a lot cooler these days but I am taking this grey skies, rainy day thing to the max. At this point if I could wear sweats to work life would be perfect.

Anyway, on Saturday I was heading to the kids department I was stopped by a regular customer who wanted to say hello.

'I haven't seen you in a while' weird dude begins as I try to attach a name to his very unfamiliar face. Then I remember that I helped him like 8 months ago when he came into the store wanting to find books on speed reading. He was really sweaty and frantic and sort of creeped me out for reason I could only attribute to his interest in speed reading (I can't even begin to ask why someone would spend money on a book about how to read books quickly. It seems pointless and a waste of money) but regardless, I spent about 15 minutes going over my own reading prowess and giving techniques on how to read quickly.

Needless to say the few times I have seen him since that day, we have exchanged friendly but insignificant 'hey, how are you doing' and kept it moving. So I was taken aback when he said that he hadn't seen me in a while because that would mean that my absence was noticed by said complete stranger.

I was about to say "hey, how's it doing" when he interrupted my internal dialogue and asked me what I was up to these days. I leaned against a shelf and said that I was still working at the bookstore (obviously) and studying for the GRE. He said that he'd taken it some years back and still had some study aids if I needed them.

I thought this was weird, because that would mean we would have to cross paths again for me to get the GRE book and for me to return them. But GRE books are expensive and I figured if he had some old books lying around he could leave them with one of my co-workers for me to retrieve later.

Of course at this point of the conversation I should have realised that customer who i vaguely remembered from forever ago was engaging in conversation outside of customer-bookseller relations. He was establishing familiarity in order to get to know me outside of my dumb name tag. But I didn't, so i continued to ask him questions to deter talking about myself in turn fanning interest to creepy but friendly customer.

He said he'd taken some time off due to 'depression related things' and that he was now working as a pharmacist in town. I didn't mention any of my anxiety related trauma's but instead asked if he was feeling any better because depression is a hard thing.

"do you live in town" he interjected after a while, to which I of course replied "yeah, a few blocks away"

Our conversation went on for another ten minutes where I talked about Latin (don't ask) and he inquired about my interest outside of work. Then we sort of filtered about and he asked if there was a way for him to contact me if and when I ever wanted to hang out outside of work, of course.

Jesus.

Like a very dumb naive girl I said 'that'd be cool' and then proceeded to give him my phone number for which he called and sent a text message soon after.

He's a nice guy... I suppose, outside of his potential of drowning me in his problems, but I have no interest in getting to know him. My first impression was of a very needy, lonely guy looking to be taken care of by a naive lonely girl. And sometimes I feel bad about my immediate judgement and dismissal of boys because I am 24 and I would love to date, but the dating world is bizarre. People my age use to term 'hooking up' in reference to things that don't involve 'hooking up for coffee and such'. What is expected out of people in their 20's relationships wise is terrifying to me because of my inexperience and furthermore romantic ideas about relationships. Sure, he could just be a guy looking to meet a new friend. Or he could be a guy looking to casually date. But I am not a girl who can just met a guy and then go out on a date with him. Just can't.

When I was 13, the show Roswell premiered on the WB. I was freaking obsessed with this teen drama about an alien, named Max who falls in love with a human named Liz Parker. After saving her from a gunshot wound to the stomach, the two fall in love while trying to keep Max; along with his sister and best friend Isobel and Michael, alien secret from authorities. Yes, it was hella campy. Yes, there were better things on tv but I was in love with this show. I wanted to be Liz Parker, who unlike Bella Swan (because that sounds like a real name), was this smart resourceful heroine protecting her man.

And Max, oh Max played by the dreamy Jason Behr, was of course your handsome tragic hero, torn between protecting an important secret and finding love. Anyway, in the first episode after revealing his secret to Liz he goes to her in the dead of night to make sure that she won't go to the police and put him and his family in danger( because his sister and 'sort of brother' aliens are worried that Liz will tell everyone what she knows).

Instead of reminding her that she is the only one who knows his secret and that telling anyone will destroy everything, he confesses, in one of the most beautiful scenes ever, that he has loved Liz Parker from a far his whole entire life and that he risked everything because of her. And she in return, through a series of telepathic flashes ( i know, it's a stretch but bear with me) is able to see how much Max has loved her and how beautiful she through his eyes.

When I was 13 this is what I thought relationships were. Complicated? Yes. Flawed? Of Course. But sort of all encompassing and romantic and vulnerable. I mean it was weird for once watching a guy express vulnerability to a girl who had no clue what was going on. And in a way, like 13 year old me, I have spent my whole life waiting to feel some sort of romantic nirvana by OK guys I've casually dated but by one dude...My Dude. To not be swept of said feet but to be spiral into something that I cannot explain but that feels right.

And when I talk to guys my age, I secretly am holding my breath for that moment I feel a spark which propels me into a connection I will never come back from. That propels me to follow through with requests to be available and vulnerable to him. And I say this only because I have sort of felt that way before. I have had immediate attractions and connections with guys that not so much consume my thoughts but that force me to step outside of my own fears for once. And outside of Simon I have not had that sort of magical, I want to melt into you feeling for a while.

And I feel stupid for writing this. I feel stupid and naive and like such a girl but I am still holding out for my Max Evans (or Simon). I am still holding out for my dude, because I feel like when I meet him I will know that he is what I've been looking for. And vice versa naturally.

Such a girl I've turned out to be. Blah.

Anyway, I need to shut this guy down immediately. Not only is he not my type but he is a customer and as Jenn said that night, you give people your number because you want them to keep in touch with you. So I may have sent him a wrong vibe. I didn't answer his text 'what are you doing this weekend' but I assume I will get a few more but he figures I am writing him off.

Yeah. Another quasi adult thing I don't know how to deal with yet.