So I did not contact the creepy customer guy despite a phone call and text message from him. On a creepiness scale from 1 to 10, I gave him a high 7 and in retrospect I should not have given him my number. For him to tell me, within within minutes of talking, that he was just getting over a 'depressive' state which left him despondent for weeks was kind of weird. As a person who suffers from both depression and anxiety I would never admit that to a stranger. Ever.
I mean, outside of friendly exchanges, I don't really know him and I got the feeling that he would be needy and clingy from the moment I started talking to him. So yeah, maybe he is a nice guy (and those GRE books would have been useful) but at this time even hanging out with him would feel...forced. Especially because I have had no interest in past interactions to get to know him.
It all comes down to the fact that I need to be comfortable around a guy in order to hang out with him. It's my thing. Even though Mike and I had our moments, he was the closest (and only) friend had in college. He was judgemental and hard headed and the whole extreme sports thing was not my cup of tea. But when he wasn't being annoying, he was patient and funny and didn't mind grabbing cookies with me after after class.
We never crossed the line between friend and dating because we'd missed the opportunity to do so. Marie and I talk about this 'dating time frame' all the time. I think men and women can have platonic friendships only after weighing out romantic interest. For me, every guy friendship begins with me wondering if he is someone I would potentially date. Mike was very flirty in the beginning of our friendship. He would drop hints that he was interested all the time while I shrugged my shoulders. After a few months of this we quickly became fast friends because he knew that I wouldn't date him. And I had no attraction in the beginning.
For me, you can't date your best friend. Your husband or boyfriend can eventually become your best friend but I would never want to date someone who knew EVERYTHING about me before then. Like Ducky and Sam from Pretty in Pink. Their relationship would have been disastrous after a while and that is coming from someone who is a huge supporter of Ducky. Because in all honesty, if happily ever after never worked out for them they would not only end up losing a partner but also a friend.
This is why I believe there is a window of opportunity (2 months to year) when you can date someone who is neither your friend or a complete stranger. This person is sort of an associate who you've known for a bit but not long enough to be consider a friend. There is a theory in practice and I'm not saying dating your best friend or a complete stranger is impossible but for me it seems pretty hard.
I am a pessimist in this department, I admit this. I'd feel uncomfortable dating someone who knew me for years but I can't even begin to imagine dating a stranger. This is put me in quite a bind because there are days when having a boyfriend to lean on would be...nice. But I'm not exactly sure how one falls into dating a person. Which I guess is why I am hesitant when it comes to approaching boys and/or boys approaching me. Because you know what, despite my unscientific 'dating time frame' theory, I would end up dating someone a) who was a friend for many years or b) out of the blue because I missed all the social clues of romantic pursuits that I sort of fell into dating a stranger. I wouldn't put it past me.
But the other night something really weird happened that is making me question everything.
Remember that kid Matt from work. The one who I travelled with on Nerd Day Extravaganza. The one who gave me his very crappy story to read. The one who has very pretty blue eyes that you wish did all the talking instead of his mouth sometimes. Yeah, that one.
A week or two ago we were in the break room talking about a writing project a mutual friend of ours is putting together. By writing project I mean a guy from work has put together a writing journal of sorts for us to submit work to. The first volume came out a month ago and I, of course, did not participate. Matt turned in a couple of pieces (involving zombies and strippers) and has been urging to me submit something ever since.
This is what we were talking about that day in the break room. He said he really wanted to read something of mine and if I felt uncomfortable showing him a full story he would be cool with just a summary of something. For some reason this made perfect sense. I could give him a sample of my work without really giving him a sample. Brilliant thinking Matt. So, I wrote the summary of one of my stories down on a legal pad that day and toyed with the idea of giving it to him.
After a few days of avoiding him I approached Matt as I was leaving work and handed him my folded up and by now tattered summary. When he went to grab the note I held on to it tightly and said 'i don't do this. I don't let people into my writing world. this is a very serious trust thing, and I don't trust a lot of people. this is only for you. not Josh or Kat or anyone else. just you. promise me that" I tried to say it with as much humor as I could but there was a definite seriousness to my tone. And I could see that he understood what I was saying. Because he promised me with a sincerity I rarely see that he would take good of my thoughts.
Ever since I gave him the summary though he has been acting weird towards me. Nicer maybe. Not that he was ever mean to me but our relationship has...changed. We did have a really good train ride together in August and during our visit to the museum, when he'd catch me staring at dinosaurs all by myself he would come over and to make sure i wasn't drifting away.
I sometimes have a crush on him while other days I don't. He is intelligent and funny and knows a bunch of things I don't know. He is crush worthy. Very crush worthy. But until a few months ago he was in a long distance relationship with a pretty girl in Connecticut and then when they broke up Jenn was calling dibs. So I didn't think much of it.
But after last night I don't know what to think. I don't know what he thinks and it is driving me crazy.
Here it goes:
I was working in the receiving area (in the back of the store) for a while when Matt came back there to grab some boxes from a shelf. We started talking about random things because we have a tendency of doing so. I always poke fun at him because he walks very softly and I can never hear him when he approaches. So I asked if he could carry change with him or something so I'd know when he was approaching. We continued this back and forth banter, when he suddenly picked up a magazine with a very beautiful model/actress on it and held it in the air for me to see.
"I don't get shit like this" he started "why people think men are so obsessed with women who look like this". The chick on the cover was very beautiful. Tall, and ultra skinny with hair that never (ever) stands out of place. Her boobs were huge and for god sakes legs just aren't that long. They can't be.
I shrugged and said something along the lines of 'well that's America's concept of beauty. hence why i was a very insecure teenager".
Then out of nowhere he says:
"yeah but guys like me don't like girls like this. this is not real. I've liked girls like you my whole life and it's sad that all we see on magazine are girls like her. It's...wrong when you think about it"
Excuse me, come again?
If I am exaggerating, stop me here. But what the fuck did he just say?You like girls like me. Girls like me. Repeat that again. GIRLS LIKE ME. You can't say that to Girls Like Me because we fall hard. We get butterflies in stomach. We write blog posts about you.
I played it off, I think. Maybe he was just being nice. I mean he is nice. So, I just made a joke and then returned to the project I was doing. He then says he wants to tell me that I will like because I am a girl (so he's not perfect). I laugh and say ' did you just say I'd like this story because i am a girl'
"well not because you're just a girl but because you are a girl with really unusual eyes'
And I stop smiling when he says this because I rarely make eye contact with people. But my eyes are big and brown and in the light they are creepy shade of brown. I like them, but I rarely think people pay attention to them. Especially him.
He begins the story by mentioning his ex-girlfriend, which immediately makes me hate the story. He broke up with her a few months ago, and rarely says anything about her. Anyway, he said he recently found pictures of her that he'd taken in the dark and that he was amused by how bright her eyes were. Because she has weird eyes too! And he missed her eyes the most especially when they went to bed, because they were really beautiful eyes that sparkled. And that my eyes might do the same thing, 'just saying'.
WTF? Come again?
By now my big brown sparkling eyes are fucking huge because he is starring at me and I am starring at him wondering if he is trying to tell me something. But I don't know what to say because I am not sure what I should say. Because I'm not sure if he just told me my eyes are pretty and that girls like me are beautiful. I don't know if his last minute decision to go the the city with Jenn, Kat and I had anything to do with me agreeing to go ( he did mention if I was going he would make an effort to take the day off to go too). I'm not sure if asking me to see Inception with him was to just spend some time with me. Or when he gave me a map he brought from Germany because he knows I like to put them up in my room. I'm not sure if yesterdays comments expressed interest in me or just interest in small talk.
But before I could say anything else, Kat came into the back and ran over to Matt to give him a big hug. And the moment was interrupted. That girl like me with the nice brown eyes was replaced with a girl like her. And he looked uncomfortable but didn't turn the hug down and I just resumed the last of my project while they embraced for a moment and then made a quick exit.
I don't know what to think. Maybe he was just reminiscing. Who knows, but it is all very was odd. And now I don't know what to do. The whole crush thing has flared up and I am confused by it. Dammit. Why can't boys just make sense so that I don't have to analyze everything. Because that is what I've been doing.
I mean saying he liked 'girls like me' was the equivalent of Mark Darcy telling Bridget Jones that he liked her: 'just as you are'. That changes a girl. It does.
Damn.
2 comments:
that was a Big Old Flirt+, in my book.
Here's what I have been given to understand, after years and years of Fucking Up Moments Like That: he's going out on a limb there. if he's AT ALL a sensitive boy with ANY insecurities or anything, he's not going to be all "I'm in love with you, Beckett! let's go read books and listen to dreamy music and be artsy and have artsy babies!"
the part that I always fucked up is the "i need to think this over for three years" part. He threw you the ball. You need to do something with it besides stand there holding it, going "what is this for?"
Show a little interest. TELL him you wouldn't have gone into the city until he joined the group. Go to a movie with him. Do something to say "i see your flirtation and raise you a mild interest."
Don't stitch your heart on your sleeve. Don't go all goopy. But extend yourself, just slightly, to say "i wasn't sure i'd go with kat & them until you decided to come, too" or "hey, let's go get coffee after work" or whatever.
You already did this a little with your story-sharing. This is, most likely, why he's being nicer: he feels encouraged, like his efforts haven't been met with stone-cold disinterest and disgust.
My dearie-o, go for this. Just to see what you can see. At worst, you have a bunch of awkward, crummy experiences to laugh/write about 5 years later. At best, you have a good time with a cutey boy who is nice to you.
He's holding out signal flags for you, but you have GOT to respond in kind, and SOON, because he can't stand there with the signal flags forever.
yay! blue-eyed boys who think you have sparkly awesome eyes!
I've completely been missing the signals! Now that this has happened I am going over all of the times he has asked me to hang out or just taken the time to be around me.
I have a tendenacy of running away from interest like this. I get very anxious and awkward and start comparing myself to other girls. It's a brutal process.
But, when he said those things in a really weird awkward way, I felt like a girl, like a pretty interesting smart girl with sparkly eyes. And I don't want to waste all of my time over thinking the next move (which has cost me budding relationships before).
This is going to be hard. I don't really know how to show interest but i am going to a halloween party that a mutual friend is throwing and i may mention that if he went i'd consider staying longer than my one hour stints.
This is all so weird! but new and exciting, so yeah. I am going to show interest back.
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