Weekenders.

I really do miss my weekends.

So I'd spend the bulk of it lounging around my dorm room or bedroom watching lifetime movies and eating a subway sandwich. But still. I'd rather be contemplating what time I should get my turkey club so that I can make it back before some dumb movie about revenge than coordinating my outfit for work today.

Le sigh.

I am clocking in a six day shift this week because I was asked to cover a store event on my day off. Evil Manager asked me to come in for an extra day last weekend and I knew I should have said no. But of course because I am dying to go home for Thanksgiving, I could not turn down an extras day work.

When I got to work this Thursday, I was in charge of setting up tables and chairs and dismantling boxes. I felt like a lackey, especially as I was wheeling around this huge cart around the store. I did not participate in the actual event itself, where tea and cookies were served to teachers from the district. Instead I was a party of one, manning the meet and greet table where I didn't really meet or greet anyone.

I am running rather low on energy and motivation these days, hence my desire to have a weekend to myself, and I sort of hate the person I have become in result of it. Last night I was going over old posts from three years back and I am sort of struck by the difference in tone and narrative voice those posts are in comparison to now. Where I was lonely and miserable and awkward in school, I was also expressing myself in reaction to that with much more humor and optimism.

I feel like I have become the Debbie downer I use to silently roll my eyes at way back when. It's a little disheartening, especially because i have a written record of my life now (cause at this point, I've laid it all out here). I guess I never realize how much of a safe haven college was. So, yeah I could sulk and be miserable and bemoan about anxiety and Art Boy but I felt safe there. And the 'real world' sort of feels like you are on the edge of a really tall platform and heavy winds are blowing you about. And you are always one gust away from losing grip and falling over.

And I have a tendency of not enjoying the moment while I'm in it and then looking fondly back on opportunities that were missed. I did that in college, I am doing that now. I read a post from October 2006, the month I started therapy and I nearly teared up with happiness.

In the post I talk about my first venture into the wonderful world that is therapy. During my first session Casey, psychologist, says that we will work together to make me more congruent. When I read that sentence I was like "omg, i forgot all about that goal for myself in therapy". I have been toying with the word all day.

In Latin congruent is congruere which means to come together or agree. The person I see and the person I am are very blurred by my anxiety, depression and black and white thinking. And for the last four years (2 of which I had help from psychologists) I have been attempting to become whole. Not that I am this freaking broken, splintered person. We won't go that far. But there are cracks.

And I freaking hate that the glue that sort of held me together than was just my very awkward perseverance through the storm. I haven't lost that, but damn it all to hell if I am not drowning that in misery too. It's very hard work to be miserable, I am sort of over that for a while.

I want things to get better, I do I do. But until they do, I can't lose grip on who I am. That alone will make this quarter life crisis thing more than a pain to deal with. So maybe a change of attitude will affect change in my life.

I mean hey, I still am applying to wicked awesome jobs and planning out outfits for interviews, I may potentially have a boy to crush on who is crushing on me (more on him later) and guess who just got My So Called Life on DVD! From Netflix! This girl.

I am planning a weekend to myself soon. I don't care how the funds look. If I could spend two days to myself, eating a sandwich and watching Dead Like Me or even My So Called Life then so be it. Currently I am picking my sanity over anything else. It's what has always made things a little easier.