Today I had a day off.
This is almost unheard of in my life right now. I haven't had a proper Saturday off in....forever and I have spent the last couple of days preparing for today's momentous lounge fest.
I cleaned my room. I checked out nerd books from the library and got my hands on a copy of Garden State to watch this evening. All in all it's actually been a really good, productive day. When I was in school I spent my weekends hibernating. I'd go to the campus bookstore and pick up treats before heading to the sandwich shop down the road. I'd come back to my very messy dorm room and relax. I forgot how much I truly missed those days until today.
The other night at work I calculated that I will need to pull in a modest 600 bucks a week with a big people's job in order to stay afloat here in New York. I calculated this because along with planning to spend most of my day in very comfy pj's I wanted to spend another chunk figuring things out.
By the summer I will need a job. There is no way around it. I have to start paying back loans soon and the money I make now is more of an allowance than anything else. The thought of having to return home because of financial reasons frightens me. It would feel like Philadelphia all over again. And despite the days I talk smack about New York, I really enjoy living here. It's unlike any place I've ever been and I am developing here as some weird shy, anxious but stronger hybrid of myself.
I do not make anything close to 600/week at Le Sad Store. But if i wish to continue cursing out rude cab drivers (I'm talking to you #107!) and getting lost down some very pretty side streets, I need a plan. A concrete 'I need a suckass entry level job" plan. I composed a pretty swell cover letter for a mid-sized publishing company today and am considering locating a temp agency like place to help with finding employment.
I'm young enough that having two jobs wouldn't take that big of a toll on me, but one that cover just the basics is all I ask for. That seems to be a lot these day.
I often time get lost in the shuffle that is my life, especially with all the worries that invade my thoughts. Transitions are hard for me. So much that I often find myself in a weird state of stasis. I reflect on the past and things that could have been done differently. Other times I find myself trying to imagine the future, setting up such high expectations I have no armor against the failures that may occur.
I sometimes wish there were a 'Just A Glimpse' button. Where I could catch just a sneak peek at what life has in store for me, or in retrospect, how it could have been different give or take a couple of costly decisions.
I bring this up because a week ago my brother received an email from the man who basically raised us. When I was 5 my mom started dating a man who would come to be a surrogate father to my brother and I. His name was James, and I rarely talk about him on this here journal because I don't want to denounce the huge impact my dad has had on me.
It's what happens when your parents divorce and begin dating someone else. No matter how great the significant other is you can't admit that to your parents. I remember when things between my mom and James got so serious that my mom introduced him to my dad as she was dropping my brother and I off for a weekend at his house.
They were both very cordial (something my dad is not good at) and exchanged "nice to meet you" 'same here" but the moment my mom and James left my dad said "he's not all that great you know" in a throw away sentence sort of way. And despite my absolute adoration for James and the nice things he'd done for us thus far I said "yeah. he's sort of a nerd. you are way cooler".
But the truth is, while I love and respect and can't imagine my dad not being my dad, James raised me. My mom started dating him when I was in Kindergarten and they broke things off when I was 12 and a half. He is a huge chunk of my childhood.
He came to all of my violin recitals and birthday parties and spent holidays with us. He taught my brother and I how to ride bikes, helped with homework and disciplined us as much as he could. And I was his right hand man. He was the adult I preferred the most because he never broke a promise, was always there when I needed him and danced with us to some weird music in the car.
My mom and his split was brutal. It seems we were not enough for him. During a break in their relationship he started to see another woman and when him and my mom got back together he continued to see the other woman. When my mom found out, she yelled and screamed and threw things and we didn't see James for awhile. They eventually got back together and remained a couple for a few more years but when my mom was offered a job down south....he didn't stop her from leaving.
And my mom sort of banked on him asking us to stay. For him to ask us to become one big family. We already got along with his kids and my mom in turn was there surrogate mother. He inherited a huge house from his father where we all would have fit. So sometimes we were hardheaded, and my brother and I could duke it out like enemies. But I wanted to be his daughter, as much as I wanted my mom to be his wife and my brother his son.
And the morning that we left for South Carolina, I kept begging him with my eyes to ask us to stay. To choose us over everyone else. To choose me as his daughter. And he didn't. He just let us go.
And I can't help but associate my current issues with inadequacy and disassociation with my belief that he rejected us for something/one better. I have more issues with this than anything else.
So when he reconnected with my brother a week ago on facebook, we were all shocked and curious. The email was short and simple. His mother, who battled health issues for as long as I can remember, died this fall. He still lived in Westchester, only 40 minutes from where I stay and wanted to see how we were doing. Mainly though, he regretted the choices he made in regards to us because 'you, beckett and your mom' were the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Love James.
Because of this I have spent the last couple of days doing the latter of my neurotic thinking. I can't help but wonder who we, as a family, would have been if he'd said this all those years ago. Just as my mom blue caravan was rolling out of the apartment parking lot.
Would I be so anxious now? Would I feel so directionless? Would I see myself in a better light instead of in a self critical one? In my dreams I beg for a glimpse of this alternate version. Just a teeny glimpse where we staying in New York. Where I continued the awkwardness that is middle school with my band of theater and orchestra friends. Would I have been such an angry miserable teen who became an anxious and lonely college student? Would I be on the brink of having an extraordinary life though I continue to have thoughts that I am not worthy of it because there is someone better?
And I know that button would do more harm then good. I know that there is no going back and my life is my life for a reason. But sometimes on very lovely days off when I realize that I am 24 year old Beckett at a crossroads job, relationship and happiness wise, I can't but wonder how things would have turned out if he'd taken a chance on us.
I guess I'm not the only one.
2 comments:
Powerful stuff.
Difficult stuff.
I wish I could give you a hug.
I play that "what if/coulda/shoulda/woulda" game a lot. Played, I should say, because I've let a lot of that go. It ISN'T how things happened, and - knowing me - I suspect that I would have ended up with a lot of the same issues and problems even if my life had gone down another path. Or maybe an equally knotty but completely different set of problems.
On the other hand, it may be worthwhile to reconnect with this person who was SO important to you. It might be good for you.
One thing that my Mister Rogers dissertation work has taught me; he always explained things like divorce to kids this way: "it's a thing between and about grownups, that has NOTHING to do with you, and how they feel about you, or how you behaved." Thinking about that - the separation as something that had nothing to do with you (though of course it AFFECTED you) might be helpful. I don't know. You used the phrase "WE weren't enough for him." And that makes me think of how - you know, it was probably about HIM and his issues and problems. It hurt you, but it isn't your FAULT. it wasn't your failure, your inadequacy. It wasn't you not being loved or wanted enough.
On a different note: I spent a year or so temping after college. It's a way to make more than retail, and it feels like you're closer to an actual job. It's also work experience to list on a resume, work that may be different from something you've done before. I'd say give a temp agency a try and see what they can do for you. You can always turn down their offers.
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