Passive Aggressive is My Middle Name.

Winter is officially kicking my ass.



The last week has been a blur of work, sleep, music mixing (1 more week ladies and gent) and more sleep. That is all now topped with a level of stress because I am only clocking in three days this week. Those three days may soon become 2 if the huge big snowstorm that everyone is talking about actually develops into something Tuesday night.

With four days of a potential break from work (in the works) I am trying to curb the cabin fever before it hits.

I am about 75% done with mixcd exchange extravaganza and I must say the music this year that I have compiled is awesome. It's been a little more difficult trying to find the right songs. As I continue to wear a Mix Cd Newbie badge, I often find myself wanting to do the obvious and put all my favorite songs on my mixes. But then I realize that that is not really a mix. A mix, in some form has to be cohesive. It's like a soundtrack. And by damn I am creating quite the soundtrack(s)

I've recently gotten all sentimental over the movie Garden State again. And not because Zach Braff and Natalie Portman steal my heart in every scene but because the existential, twenty something conundrum is captured so perfectly. I am literally at the crossroads where the past is a place I can't go back to even though I want to and the future seems grey and I fear where I will end up. So I am just here, in the middle, looking fondly on what I had while I assess what I want.

In so many words Garden State is a move about the pains of growing up. About what it is like to not have a grasp on your own existence while trying to forge one out of all the pain. At 24, I cannot even begin to relate how painful being/becoming a older version of myself has been. There are days when I want to crawl back into some time warp where I am 8.

I really need to watch Garden State again.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I've recently gotten all inspired by the movie again because the music on the soundtrack is as awesome as the movie. While most of the more memorable songs are missing, Zach Braff did a hell of a job compiling the soundtrack for Garden State. To this day it remains one of the more inspiring compilations because every song goes together so well.

In Mix Cd land I will never be able to make a concept mix. I don't do well with concrete themes. I have however found a musical niche in regards to creating cohesive soundtracks. I am the Zach Braff of music compilers these days (a lot has changed since making my first mix cd a year ago).

So far the songs for MixCd Extraganza 2011, as a whole, gel together like nerdy friends at the lunch table. And we all know how much I love nerds. I am actually very proud of what I have created this time around. I have to stop re-arranging the playlist every other hour but that's where the perfectionist in me pops out. I will post both tracklists in two weeks and am putting my finishing touch on the project as a whole this week. So yeah, I am uber excited about sending these bad boys out.

That's pretty much all I have planned this week. I'm sort of drained and tired and blah. My feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and general suckassness is at the forefront these days and I am doing all I can to keep it at bay. And I am having night terrors again. I am not a fan of them because I only have bad dreams when I am stressed. The music mixing has helped a lot but serious down time is much needed.

In other news

I approached Blue the other day about being upset with him. It was weird and passive and didn't go as well as I thought it would. He came up to me very tentatively as I was going over merchandise in the game department (another new task bestowed on me by management). He stood next to me and said "how's it going" very quietly. I said things were going all right and then went back to my clipboard and project.

He started walking away when I stopped him and said that we needed to have a small talk. Nothing serious, I just wanted to address the awkwardness. I thought i was going to tell him that I was pissed that he invited and then uninvited me to his New Years Eve party and that I was looking forward to hanging out with him until backed out of plans. That's what I planned to say.

Instead I sort of fumbled for words and said that I didn't like that he called me consistent. Yeah, I went that route. I know, I know. I should have been more direct. But he was being such a boy. Cute and nervous and totally oblivious to the fact that I was angry at him. He turned all red and said "if I apologize would that make you feel better"

Le Sigh. Yes Blue it would, if you knew what I was really mad at you about. Sure an apology would be great. So then he proceeded to fumble and apologize for calling me consistent. "some people find consistent to be a compliment. It's like being quaint. not that i'm calling you quaint, unless you like the word quaint...i'm sorry beckett".

We were standing next to each other and facing a display of games as we spoke. Our words sort of bounced off of puzzles and games and fell to the floor. It felt as if I was confessing my displeasure with Monopoly as he was apologizing to Life. We were utterly disconnected and trying to do this as quick as possible so that we could go back to normal.

And like that I tucked my real feelings back into my skin and he skipped away and continued to be Blue. It's all so frustrating when I really sit back and think about it.

For the next few days I won't though. I'll focus on me. I got a bunch of trashy romantic suspense stories to read in preparation for the big storm on Wednesday. Nothing warms my heart more than campy romance novels and hot detectives.