Doubt Comes In.

So last night I had quite the panic attack.


A major, almost colossal breakdown of epic proportions.


The interview has been replaying in my mind a lot these days. Like a movie that I can't get out of my head. Like a scene that I have memorized line by line and camera angle by camera angle. Or worse like a song whose lyrics I am so caught up on, I sing it as much as I can until I get it right. Nope, I'm the only one who does that. Alrighty then.





While I am often times my own worst enemy (and critic) this meltdown had less to do with my feelings towards the interview itself. I did a good job. The moment I stepped out of the office into the barren hallway I felt like I had done my best.



I breathed a low sigh before getting into the elevator and changing out of my heels. I exited the building into the cool crisp air of a moody march morning and went in search of French Toast. I did my best, as I always do. I was honest and charming, which I can turn on when I need to.



The epic colossal breakdown of epic proportions which occurred had more to do with my worries of doing the job should i get it. The reality of actually getting this job is as terrifying as it is exciting. Towards the beginning of the interview my PNB (potential new boss) asked why I wanted to leave Le Sad Store especially since I've been there for two years. He actually said 'you seem to enjoy your current position, why are choosing to leave instead of making a long term opportunity out of it'.



My heart sort of sank. The suggestion that I would want to stay at Le Sad Store threw me off guard because it was the first thing he said to me. I had prepared for the 'tell me a little about yourself' question not this. I paused for a moment, because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. Sure, I appreciate my time at Le Sad Store. I really do. Even when it sucks I know that the things I have endured there has only made me stronger.



But being a lifelong bookseller is not my dream. It's actually a fear of mine. The fact that I have been there so long while other people have come and gone causes me great concern and sometimes sadness.



The other day my old friend Cello Girl walked by the store just as I was going in. She didn't see me and I barely recognized her because she look so different. So much more happier and stable. She was probably heading to her teaching gig in a town nearby and I was struck by how professional she looked. Professional and happy.



In fact when people who use to work at the store come by they always look a million times happier. And that's when or if they choose to stop by at all. Most of the times people who leave Le Sad Store leave permanently sometimes without even a 'we'll keep in touch'.



I am not surprised by this. While Le Sad Store is a fun place to work on the surface the crappy pay and slackerish responsibilities is soul crunching. The stress there has more to do with feelings of working a crappy retail job than anything else.



I could have said hi to Cello Girl. I could have called out her name and asked what was going on in her life. But I couldn't because outside of my great job interview i didn't feel like explaining my current situation. That while things are looking up I am still at the bookstore until I hear something back from PNJ. Wasn't really feeling that conversation at all.



My current job at the bookstore is so far from professional it hurts. Everyone who works there wants to be somewhere else. They are slackers (including myself to some degree) who simply needs a job to support their hobbies. Our new Assistant Manager is in a Band, 5 people (excluding myself) want to be writers, 3 people want to be graphic designers, Guy in music works at Le Sad store only for health care but has a career drawing graphic novels. We pair slacks or corduroy's with flannel shirts or covered rock tee's in order to present a level of professionalism. But even then it is a farce because we all bring jeans to change into once we clock out.

The bulk of us work there because the hours are flexible enough for pursue other things. Honestly, it's the only benefit of the job. And the thought of having professional job with normal hours and responsibilities is....scary.

Until now my idea of the professional world has been akin to my days of playing 'house' as a kid. We use to play 'house' at the neighborhood park. We'd pretend to be adults on the jungle gyms we imagined were million dollars mansions. We'd choose right from the start who would be the parents, the teenagers and other such real world characters we'd only interacted with from a distance.

The 'adults' in our play world always carried briefcases and talked really fast. They discussed the news over coffee and cigarettes; imaginary fine paper we rolled up and pinched between our fingers. We'd wake up in our imaginary mornings on the hard wood platform of the jungle gym and put on our imaginary business garb set out to conquer the world.



Being a professional adult was full of 'meetings' where we'd trade candy and discuss playground gossip. We'd prance around all important-like until the 'work day' had ended and we could return to our fake constructed houses.



Of course that is very different from the real professional world I will enter into soon enough. And good god I am a little overwhelmed by this. My level of responsibility will go from zero to 100 as soon as 'you're hired' has been said. And the last few days I have been contemplating how ready I am for this. I mean really ready. If I am even ready at all.



I want a full time job. I do. I do. I want an entry level position where I can a) make more money and b) gain some new skills. But the other night I was terrified of my ability or rather inability to do so. What happens if I can't do it? What happens if it is all too much?



What happens if I am not the person described on my resume? What happens if I can't do half the shit that this job entails. Detail oriented, organized and a great multi-tasker? During the interview he went over some of the things the assistant will do. At the time I nodded and smiled and described my command of all of those things and/or ease with which I could easily learn them.

But the moment I got home I was struck by how much harder those responsibilities are to what I currently do. I mean right now I am sitting in polka dot pajama pants in the middle of the day because I can. Because I have no other place to be. How will I adjust to 9-5, Monday thru Friday work week?

Holy Shit!



I am trying to reel myself back to shore. I am trying. I know I am capable and talented and that I can do anything. But the ever present sense of doubt has crept in and I have spent much of me week trying to remind myself that I can be more than just a girl working at the bookstore.

It has been a lot harder than I expected though.