The Rum Diary.

Jeepers Creepers remind me to never take a shot of rum...ever again.

I don't even know how to explain the last few days or weeks. And the fact that I am a tad bit tipsy is either going to make my feelings about everything sound really profound or dumb when I read this in the morning.

As I expected I did not get the job that I interviewed for two weeks ago. Hell, the fact that I didn't even send a thank you email and letter put a nail in that coffin. But it doesn't mean that i am still not utterly frustrated about my situation.

School for most undergrad and grad students started this week and every time some one comes in asking for a text book we don't have, a little piece of me aches. I still have no idea if I want to ever go to grad school but the more time I spend in the real world the more convinced I am that I don't have any skills outside of being book smart.

I seem to be an un-hirable person. I can't even get an interview for a receptionist job these days. What makes it worse is that Blue and I went on an interview the same week and he actually got the job he applied to. Even though this was his first interview out of college, ever, he managed to get the position with a company specializing in optic lens or something.

And I know that I have no interest in lens or manufacturing or eye wear(?!). I mean he has told me what he is going to be doing there a billion times and I still can't describe his title accurately, but nonetheless Blue is leaving. Come Tuesday he will no longer be an employee at Le Sad Store and that has brought up deep feelings of jealousy and resentment.

One of the first things he said to me when he found out he got the job was 'so, when are you going on your next interview' as if suddenly the struggle of job hunting had completely been eradicated from his mind. I may have shot him a really dirty look after I congratulated him on this new gig.

And while I applied to six or seven jobs last week, I have felt too tired and depleted to do so the last two days. Irene, on my side of town, turned out to be a ball of gusty wind and rain and while I got to stay home on Sunday (we actually closed the store) I have had little energy to do anything but sleep since then. I think I am getting sick. I fear I am becoming depressed. Whatever the case i feel as if i am coming apart at the seams from sheer frustration and angst.

It doesn't help that my main venting partner (marie) has all but ditched me. We got in an argument a few weeks ago because she befriended a married w/children gent at her job and I found the nature of their relationship weird. I don't mind that he's married, I don't mind that he had kids but I found it weird that he would take such an interest in hanging out with a girl 15 years his junior. Not only that but they talk about sex, love and relationships (a lot) as if he is just a single guy.

To make matters worse, they spend a lot of time hanging out without his wife or kids around. And she said that once they had a really inappropriate conversation in the car about coworkers having sex. He also sent me messages via facebook and text in order to better understand the nature of marie and I's friendship. My last correspondence with her had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't appreciate him calling my phone to ask me questions about marie. That I don't like strange married men sending me messages on facebook and that as a father of two children he should have better things to do than text me in the afternoon.

We haven't talked since then (roughly a month) and while she can really get under my skin, it's weird not having some one to express my frustrations with verbally. And now, more than ever, as everything seems to be changing around me I kind of wish I had a voice to talk to on the other end of the phone. I suddenly wish I weren't such a lone ranger.

To compensate for Marie's abandonment, I've been hanging out a lot with people from work in order to fill some of my down time. Applying to jobs and fretting all day can put me in a worse mood than not being able to find steady employment. So i am doing my best to balance a social life with career opportunities.

In an attempt to be social tonight we all went to a bar after checking out Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (kinda crappy but whatever it was six bucks) and Blue tagged along for his sort of celebratory hang out. We all decided to buy shots because the mood seemed right and we were pretty jovial.

I downed my first, and damnit last, rum over the sound of Blind Melon's No Rain. Every time I hear that song I get all kinds of sad. The song conjures up the image of the sad girl in the bumble bee outfit, mulling about around town all sad and depleted. And sure at the end she is all dancing in a field of sunflowers (and other bumble bees) accepting the things that aren't readily changeable in front of her, but she is resigned to happiness eventually.

I have not of course gotten there yet. Instead I feel like sweet bumble bee girl just as she is laughed off staged. Just as she is making her exit from the cruel bright lights of the real world. I am humble and out of sorts and teary eyed and I am simply trying to make sense of where I am suppose to go from here. And maybe this is just the beginning of my extraordinary life that I am making, but it still feels painful from time to time.

This could all be the Rum talking. I apologize. I don't know how Hemingway, Thompson and Kerouac did it. I guess I'm just not that kind of writer.

Can't wait to read this shit in the morning.

Beckett.