Fool Me Once...

So, I've come to the conclusion that i have to be as honest about my relationship with Sean as possible. With writing, especially, there is a tendency to exaggerate or leave out things. Not because i want to be vague or worse, because I'm a big fat liar. It's because I'm human, relaying my thoughts and experiences from my point of view.

And my thoughts are rarely cohesive. I don't always remember things in linear fashion. I don't always remember what was said right down the period at the end of the dialogue. I leave things out here and there in order to get to the point. But sometimes the things i leave out are as important as the things i decide to jot down and remember because they connect the dots.

Sometimes when I write about Sean I feel like a school girl in lurve. I only cover the good. He made me a vampire stake. He bought me lunch. He submerged my wrist in water to ease the tension from an injury i sustained at work. He's attractive and fit. He makes me laugh and drives me home and he is attracted to me. I cover the good more than the bad because I have, in some ways, put him on a pedestal. When i was at my lowest i simply wanted someone to take care of me. He did not step into this role but i may have forced it upon him. And then he cried in front of me. And i reverted back to what i am good at: taking care of people because it makes me feel needed.

Even though I feel like he generally likes me and has a connection to me, the fact is the boy still has a fucking girlfriend. Not only does he have a girlfriend (who he has no interest in breaking up with) but for every good sweet interaction there are a handful of shitty ones. This boy is not perfect (neither am I) and he has done some very awful and shady things to me in the past . He has said pretty insensitive things. Dismissed me in front of people. Manipulated my feelings so that I'll do him favors. And i don't write these downs. Not hear anyway. I cry about them. I replay them in my mind. But i have not been honest with them here because i'm infuated with him. But here are some examples of Sean behaving badly that i've wanted to write about but did not:
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 Before the hot/cold water wrist thing, I came to him (days before) and asked if he would take a look at my wrist. A couple of people, even one employee who i hated at the time, offered to massage it for me because i was a pitiful mess of bandages and tears. I thought "hey! if strange kid who i rarely see will sit here and massage my wrist for me maybe Sean will too". So I went up to him, asked if he could take a look at my wrist, do his massage magic (cause he knows how to). The mofo stared at me. Said "um, eww, are u fucking serious. i'm not touching you or your wrist" and walked away.

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I bought a bookshelf a few months back but had no way of bringing it home. I asked Sean,because he drives me home any way, if he could bring the bookshelf to my house (on a night we both got out around the same time) to help me carry it upstairs and set it up. He said no problem. He brought a desk over a few weeks earlier and putting the bookshelf together would take 25 minutes. On the night we were to bring the bookshelf over he kept making fun of me. He was being really annoying and juvenile. I got out at 10pm. But had to stay until he got out at midnight. I lingered in the store. Helped out a little (off the clock). And purchased groceries. Around 11:30, he makes a really dumb comment that pisses me off. I got upset and told him to stop being a douche. He didn't hear me though and asked me to repeat what i said. Out of nowhere one of our co-workers says "she told you to go fuck yourself man" and starts laughing. I shrug my shoulders and forget about the incident.

As we are leaving I ask if he wants to grab the bookshelf while i grab his bag to carry to the car. He says "I'm not bringing the bookshelf to your house". I ask why. He says because i was being a bitch and that he is going straight home. I throw my hands up and say i have no idea what he is talking about. That i stayed an extra two hours cause he said would do me a favor. He tells me it doesn't matter what he said before, that I'm not his concern and because he isn't bringing the bookshelf to my house that i can also walk home... in the rain.

Someone else gives me a ride that night out of pity.

.........

Two weeks ago I told him that I didn't want him to get the impression that i am his puppy (a term that is pretty self explanatory). That i like him but that I need him to respect me. That i can't have him ask me to return items to various stores, pick up food for me, be his go to 'beckett will do anything for me' because of my feelings for him. Lately I've been getting this impression. He's gotten angry with me if i don't acknowledge him when he walks in. He's called my name across aisle, followed by 'come over here' like I'm some fucking dog. I told him that i didn't want to be his fan. Or come off as one, especially because he likes attention. And that the reason i like being around him is because i want to be his friend. He said that i was being creepy and that he had no idea what i was talking about. That he is use to girls making a big deal about him but that i need to cut it out and get over it. It's weird. Then he went on to tell me that he asked to see his ex-girlfriends boobs and she did because he has that charm over girls.

"do you wanna show me your boobs"

I cry

.......

maybe because i never agree to actually show him my boobs, he accidentally touches them when we are alone. All the fucking time.  His hands will find their way on my breast and gently press into them as if he has some ownership to them. I immediately push his hands away and make light of his aggression. I call him a brute. I tell him that my breasts are for me and me only. He laughs and says he won't do it again. And then again happens...again. One such breast grabbing day (maybe a year ago), he touched them, laughed and said 'i'm glad i can do this and it doesn't like mean anything. It's like i'm just touching flesh you know. My girlfriend has nothing to worry about when i'm around with you, cause i don't feel anything when i touch you'
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One weekend he came in pissed to work. He spent the day fuming and intimidating people and punching walls. I went up to him and asked what was wrong. He told me to leave him alone. I told him that i couldn't because he seemed upset and that i was worried about him. He told me to stop worrying because he doesn't worry about me when he goes home.

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He will not give me his phone number. Out of our mutual friends i am the only one he refuses to give it to me. When he calls me it is always from work.He once told me the only person who needed to have his personal phone number was his 'girlfriend' and 'i wasn't his girlfriend so i was never getting his number". This hurt me initially because he often throws the girlfriend thing in my face as a form of attack. Secondly, I found out days later that there are three or four girls from that store who have his number. I am not one of them.

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marie. marie. marie

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This is only the ones i can remember tonight. There are a lot of instances where this boy has been very unkind to me. Not in a malicious way but in a 'i don't really care about you that much' way. And now i have Pectogate 2012 to add to the list of fucked up things Sean has done.

Me and Kat hang out every Tuesday. It's our thing. At first it had to do with convenience. Movies for some reason are cheaper in our town on Tuesday. I, at the time, did not work those days and she usually got off at 4. So we could squeeze in a movie, dinner and talking every Tuesday. It was and remains our day to look forward to. Because of my new job though (which is going well), I am not always available to hang out Tuesdays, especially if she gets out really early.

This Tuesday though our schedules worked out. She got off at 4. Agreed to wait til i got off at 5 and then we were going to head to the mall to do some fall window shopping. Then we were going to get burritos and talk about boys, music and the various book sales we are attending. It was going to be relaxing. As soon as i walk in, I put my shit down and head to find Kat. She is talking to her crush, so i wave and tell her I'm going to get some water from cafe (so she'll have some time alone with him). I run into Sean on the way to the break room. I give him a hug. Ask how he is doing. And tell him i have to get going but it was good to see him.

Now....he knows that i do not work Tuesdays. He knows this. I haven't worked Tuesdays unless I've switched schedule with someone. But this did not stop him from asking me what what i was doing there. If i was on the clock. What i was up to.

I tell him that Me and Kat are going shopping. She has some things to return to the mall and we want to look at some cute things to buy when we get paid on friday. He completely ignores what i have just said and asks if Kathleen has a car. This is sort of a weird question. She did just recently get her drivers license and a car but a few months ago but he knows this because she asked him about parking when she first started driving to work. I laugh and tell him that Kat does drive ('but you know this') and that she did drive today ('because well, you know this too").

"Oh, i just wanted to know because, um,....I need you do me a favor". Le sigh.

He says he needs to buy dog food. That he should have done it earlier but forgot. He wants to know if I wouldn't mind going to the store for him to buy the food and bring it back to the store. Of course he needs to get this dog food from a specific store. One that is 15 minutes away by car. Which would require me to convince Kat to drive me there....to do him this really sweet favor. I make a face. I am hesitant. But its Sean. And I'm sort of a puppy. I want to do things for him because I'm convinced it'll make me look good in his book. I tell him to give me a few minutes while i run the idea by Kat.

Kat hates Sean. She thinks he is an asshole. She is only nice to him because she knows how i feel about him. But because we are going through similar boy crushes, she agreed to drive me to Petco despite it cutting into our hanging out time. I collect the money from Sean, I tell him we'll be back in a few and then we drive to Petco in search of this specific dog food brand. The whole ride there I am telling Kat how stupid it is that I have agreed to do this for him. I apologize for bringing her into this. Because lets be honest, if i had never shown up at the store he would have never asked me and I would have gone on with our plans. But he saw me, and he knew I wouldn't say no and he didn't care that i had plans that did not revolve him.

When we get to petco we spend 20 minutes looking for this specific brand of food. They don't have it. Out of the blue Kat says "doesn't he have a bunch of cats. Why the hell are we buying dog food anyway?" the thought never crossed my mind when i agreed to go to Petco. But now that we are in Petco, I can't help realizing that kat has a motherfukcing point. Sean doesn't have a dog. Especially not a small dog. Why they hell are we in Petco? But i put the thought behind me (before i get upset) and call him up to tell him that they don't have the bag he wants.

When i reach him, and tell him that we can't find the bag and that we have been in the store for a very long time he says:

oh, well that's okay. You guys can just come back. I was actually going to go in the morning to get the food. it's no big deal. just thought i could get the errand done early. It's no big deal, really. Just come back to the store. With my money of course.

???

If this was not an urgent pet food run, why ask me to go! Why ask me, when i already have plans, to do something for you. And yes, I know, I know, I could have said no. I should have said no. But i thought  i was doing something nice for a boy who i still like despite all the fucked up things he has done.

On the way back to the store Kat and i are fuming. We wasted an our doing this is favor for him, only for him to tell us he didn't actually need us to go. I've used up our awesome hanging out to to do a favor for Sean and we both know by the time we get back to the store she has to go home. I give Sean his money without looking at him (after having to repay for parking!) and tell him to have a good night and then cry on the way home. 

That night tho, after the tears, I am filled with anger. I can't help thinking about the fact that Sean doesn't have a dog. He talks about his pets all the time. His pets that just so happen to be cats. I know he has a lot of cats. But he has never once mentioned having a dog. So who the hell were we buying dog food for. Why was he so anxious to have us pick it up. Who did he call to get the name of the specific dog food brand (he did this before we left but wouldn not let me listen in on the conversation) And then everything makes fucking sense.

I connect the dots and the image comes to me quickly and with clarity.

I sit up in my bed and text Kat immediately:

"dear gawd. I think this motherfucker sent us to Petco to get dog food for his...girlfriend"

His girlfriend has a small dog. He showed me a picture once. It's one of those annoying tiny dogs with the loud bark. He sent me...his crush...the girl he inappropriately touches at work and says suggestive things to....to get dog food...for his fucking girlfriend. Are you serious.

I don't know if anyone else thinks this is incredibly insensitive. But i think it's pretty fucked up. He throws the fact that he has a girlfriend in my face all the time. He knows that I like him and have at times been willing to do anything for him. And because he knows that i won't say no, he asks me to run an errand for his fucking girlfriend.

I am livid. I can't be your girl. I can't be your friend. You can touch me and say its nothing. You can disregard me and call me crazy when i get upset. You can be an awful selfish boy who i forgive despite being completely transparent to you. But i can pick up dog food for your girlfriend so that she'll think your the best boyfriend in the whole wide world.

He asked me, on my day off, knowing i had plans, to get dog food.

And like a fucking puppy....i did.

I am at a loss for words. I am disappointed in myself foremost for being so naive. For wanting Sean to notice me and fall for me and like me. But I am pissed that he's an inconsiderate asshole, who even after Kat told him how fucked up it was sending your crush to get your girlfriend dog food is, could not see the error in his ways.

Fool me once, shame on you.

I'm fucking over being invisible to this boy. He is never going to want me the way i want him. Never. Because if he did, he would have fought to have me all for himself way before now. He wouldn't have sent me to get dog food. He would have cared when things went to complete and utter shit in December

Fool me twice, well, there ain't gonna be a second time...