Go Ahead and Make a Girl Feel Special Why Dontcha!

This weekend was complete and utter shit thanks to the boy.

Every time I get into an argument with this boy, I am forced to re-evaluate what it is I think he has to offer because it is 'that' that I cling to. Not the actuality of him. The actuality of him can be shit sometimes.

There is a sensitive subject between the boy and I that I do not like talking about and surprisingly it is not his girlfriend. When Sean started working at Le Sad Store there was this girl (age 14) who use to come in the store and aisle stalk him. He use to make fun of her and her creepiness because she was there every weekend, during his shift, where she would sit in the aisle and talk about how cute he was to her friends.

But as the years have passed the girl has reached puberty, grown breasts, acquired my legs don't touch skinniness and is now legal....and Sean has developed a crush on her. I wish I was fucking kidding. When she got a boyfriend a few years ago Sean turned his attention from mocking her to mocking her boyfriend: Ugh, do you see the shit kid she is dating? No wonder she follows me around I am so much better?  When Sean and his girlfriend damn near broke up in December he confessed to me that he wanted to pursue something with Toothpick (that's her name i have given her. Toothpick). By then, he'd acquired her name and talked to her when she dropped by the store.

He actually said this to me. That he wanted to keep his options open and Toothpick would be 'next in line' should things not work out with his girl.

I could not hide my jealousy and anger over the situation. I just couldn't. I felt like the girl who'd put in all the work on a project and this other chick (who's a kid for christ sakes!) was getting all the attention and credit for it. Because Sean was awful during December. He was moody and distant and mean and i dealt with it. I listened to him moan and bitch about his girlfriend. I was there when he cried and I had to console him. I was there. Faithful and true and there he was telling me, what i thought was our window of opportunity, that he was thinking about being with someone else, worst of all, someone underage.

While I've defended a lot of Sean's shit action in the past, I told him that this was a black and white situation. I could not hear him go on an on about this girl who once thought was a stalker. I would not support him and his pursuit of her. I would walk away from him and the situation should it ever come to pass. He couldn't understand why I was so upset but said he would stop talking about her with me because it made me uncomfortable. Before I could let the conversation go though i couldn't help but ask what he found so interesting about Toothpick and he said: "i don't know. She's not like the other teenagers who come into the store. She's nice and unique. And her face is so pretty. She's so fucking pretty".

Le sigh. Not like the other 'teenagers'. teen-ager. teen.

And the last couple of months the boy has stuck to his words. He didn't even utter Toothpicks name once. But this isn't because he is a mature adult who let his small obsession go after realizing how gross it was. No it was because Toothpick was no longer showing up to the store. At the end of December Sean said Toothpick was acting weird around him and then Bam she was gone. We later found out that she abruptly stopped showing up at the store because girl has some sort of behavioral issues (related to toothpickness)  and was sent away to an institution. I shit you not.  He knows how to pick em'.

Last month Sean befriended her on Facebook after months of wondering what'd happen to her. She accepted said friendship and he has been picture stalking her ever since. He came in the day after the friend acceptance and told "Topher" that she is the prettiest girl he has ever seen and that he spent most of his night going through her pictures. He also found out that her 18th birthday was coming up which made her legal!.

 I found all of this out via Topher who too was quite grossed out by Sean and his behavior. I didn't approach Sean about this though because 1) I'm not his girlfriend (or apparently a consideration) and the last few months, outside of a few shit moments, have been great between us. But two weekends ago Toothpick was home for a visit and she stopped by the store. This motherfucker nearly knocked me over so he could run over to this girl. He told her that he missed seeing her around the store, that he missed her in general, that he hoped things were going well. I'm not sure what she said but the conversation was enough to kill my spirit.

Last week he found out it was her birthday and he came up to me and wanted me to guess who's special day it was. I asked if it was his moms? dads? sisters? maybe his nieces birthday. This motherfucker says "nope, it's Toothpick! she's officially 18 now". Remind  you, this boy not only forgot my birthday but said it was my fault for not bringing it up to him. He didn't buy me a gift. He never even wished me a belated one. So needless to say I was not happy to hear that not only was it her birthday and he remembered it but that he also wanted to buy her something.

I spent the whole night in a funk. He couldn't or refused to understand why.

Now, come this Friday. I am in a relatively good mood because despite the "topher and his annoying girlfriend drama", Sean and I had a really good time the night before. I met his parents. I got a new television. We saw Star Trek. It was a successful night for him and I. I get to work though and the first thing my manager tells me is that 3 people have called out. My first thought is that Sean is one of them because well, he's the one person I wanted to be there. Without him work would be boring and uneventful. I would feel alone and disconnected. I started to dread even starting my shift once the  possibility of him not being there was brought to my attention.

And for the first hour or so (because my other job lets out early and my shift at Le sad store starts late, i tend to spend a good 3 hours waiting for my shift to start)I didn't see him at all. While i didn't pace the store looking for him, I went to his favorite hiding spots and didn't see him anywhere. I quickly resigned myself to the fact that my partner is crime was MIA for the night.

Just when I convinced myself of this the boy comes into the break room as shocked to see me as i am to see him. I tell him i thought he called out. He tells me he thought i had the night off. It is a more awkward exchange then I expect because while I am happy to see him, he looks as if he wanted someone else to be on the other side of the door. I was a little too tired to explore the feeling of disconnect further so decide to drop the unease i felt and enjoy the fact that I won't be at work alone.

During the first hour of my shift I run into Sean as he is straightening up the aisle and he looks so...sad, i think. He looks like i thought'd i look when i thought he called out. He looked alone. Like when you're a kid and your best friend is home sick and you don't have anyone to hang out with the whole day. He looked like that. Except I couldn't understand why because I was there. I was right there. I ask him what's wrong because i can feel that something is up. He says "it's nothing. I'm just am dumb". I laugh and told him I could have told him that but seriously "what's up"

He says I don't want to know. I tell him I do want to. He warns me again that i really really don't want to know what he's thinking. So of course, being noisy, I say "oh come on, you have to tell me now". So he lets out a long sigh and says:

"well, it's just that I was hoping someone would stop by the store. And she hasn't. And i don't know why it makes me sad'.

To say that it felt like he had punched me in the stomach would be an understatement. Here i was happy that the boy i like hadn't called out and here he was wishing someone else was there. Someone else who until recently has been MIA.Someone else who is 18 years old. Someone who is not me. I felt completely and utterly crushed by the weight of his confession because there are moments when this boy makes me feel like I am nothing to him. That I am easily replaceable. But worst of all that I am not enough.

He immediately tried to say he was kidding I think because he saw how hurt I was by the many elements of his confession. But i knew that he wasn't. I knew that what he was saying was his honest truth. And in that moment It felt like he had summed up our relationship as well. Like he'd rejected the part of me I wanted most to mean to him. Because no matter what I do, or say, I will never be the one to make this boy happy. There is always going to be someone or thing better. It's bad enough that I can't compete with his girlfriend but now I don't even compete with a child.

And it's fucking humiliating that I want to matter so much to someone who can  so easily look through me. He does it every fucking day. I'm not someone he considers. I am accessible. And around. But i'm not wanted. And he takes advantage of this. He takes advantage of me. Because I wish you could have seen the look on his face and how desperately he wanted this girl to walk into the store. As if it would have made his whole world. And I don't think i've ever had that affect on him. I don't think i ever will.